Die Hard Trilogy is the 256th episode of Fandom Games' comedy series Honest Game Trailers. It was written by Max Song, Andrew Bird and Spencer Gilbert, and narrated by Brad Venable. It parodies the action video game compilation Die Hard Trilogy. It was published on December 24, 2019, to coincide with Christmas Eve, when the first two Die Hard movies were set. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script []
Honest Game Trailers wants to wish all our fans a "Happy Holidays", and what better way than to give you something you didn't want or ever asked for?
When the weather outside is frightful, and the mantle is hung up with care, there's no tradition to round out the holiday season like everyone's favorite Christmas movie: Die Hard. So what better way to ring in the new year than to... play the PS1 adaptation of the movie trilogy...? Actually, literally any other way is probably better.
Die Hard Trilogy
Dive into the shallow end of the nostalgia pool, as you return to an era where licensed movie games were largely sold as cash-grabs with gameplay only vaguely related to whatever the movie was actually about, and witness Fox Interactive's rendering of the events of Die Hard through the incomparable graphics of the PS1, as you guide a guy who looks and sounds like John McClane with a brain injury...
John McClane: Bye-bye, bad guy!
...through a bunch of flat cardboard cutout levels that have aged about as well as someone who drank the wrong Grail, in a weird arcade three-pack with a totally different design for each movie. And do your best to enjoy the insanely repetitive gameplay, because this is what you rented at Blockbuster, and goddammit, you are going to have fun whether you like it or not!!
Blast your way through Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard Trilogy's rendering of the first film, which will have you going from floor to floor of the high-rise, walking directly up to literally hundreds of thugs and shooting them directly in the face while eating their bullets like candy and rescuing masses of civilians through helicopter airlifts just, uh, like the movie (?), while Non McClane says the same handful of one-liners ad nauseam for hours...
John McClane: Want to stay alive? Stick with me.
...then rinse and repeat for what seems like the rest of your life, until you finish the final level and get literally nothing for your trouble other than a high score screen, in an arcade adaptation that was somewhat impressively detailed for the time, but now looks like we made it up as a joke. I swear, this is what video games were like, you guys, and they were still $60!
Experience the depth of simulation Fox Interactive went with for the second film, as they decided making another 3D series of levels for you to control the character in was definitely way too much work and just made a Time Crisis in an airport instead, which will have you shooting wildly into crowds of civilians to blast the guys with the big glowing circles around them so you can actually distinguish them from the background, in serviceable gunplay that actually lets you use a light gun if you were lucky enough to have spent way too much money on that at some point, for an on-rails shooter that's probably the best part of this whole thing, which, of course, means it's the part you can beat in less than an hour, making it not only more fun, but a better deal than just watching Die Hard 2. (John McClane laughs hysterically as the bad guys' plane explodes)
Plow your way through the third movie's adaptation, where they expanded Die Hard 3's chase sequences into the entire film and just made a weird, murderous Crazy Taxi, where you'll spend the whole time on timed chase sequences that will have you plowing through cars and civilians indiscriminately, sometimes filling your windshield with innocent blood in first-person mode, or ramming into objects that then explode, taking out even more civilians, then watch as they explode all over again as the score screen racks up your murders in a mode that feels a lot closer to Twisted Metal or Carmageddon than Die Hard with a Vengeance. I think maybe the devs were just bored at this point. (John McClane launches the car into Simon Gruber's helicopter, causing an explosion)
So toss on that yule log, deck the halls with the blood of your enemies, and irritate your extended family, with an extremely loose adaptation of an already very tenuously connected Christmas tradition, because outside of nostalgia, that's literally the only reason to ever think about this video game again. You're welcome, the Internet.
John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay!
Starring: Jorb McClune; None of the Other Characters from the Movies; Faceless Mooks; Nostalgia; and The Grim Fact That This Game Reviewed Really Well at the Time.
Too Old Trilogy
The honest title for Die Hard Trilogy was 'Too Old Trilogy.'
Maybe someday, our culture will get past Die Hard, and we can all recognize the true Chrismas movie. That's right; I'm talking about Christmas with the Kranks. (clips of Tim Allen as Luther Krank making a fool of himself)
Viewer Comments[]
Please say: "oh ho, you're approaching me dio?" - King Teyyal
Please say: "...Please say something" - TH0R95
Please say "Strong in the force I am, pooped in my pants I did" - Eisberg 77
Please say: "Can I offer you a Japari Bun in this trying time?" - X Scythe
Say: "Hail to the king baby!" - Caller0fDemons72 L12E18
Trivia[]
- There is also an episode of Honest Movie Trailers about the Die Hard movie.
Reception[]
Honest Game Trailers - Die Hard Trilogy has a 96.5% approval rating from YouTube viewers.
Production Credits[]
Written by Max Song, Andrew Bird, and Spencer Gilbert
Edited by Max Song