Final Fantasy VII Remake is the 273rd episode of Fandom Games' comedy series Honest Game Trailers. It was written by Max Song, Andrew Bird, and Spencer Gilbert. It parodies the action role-playing video game Final Fantasy VII Remake. It was published on April 21, 2020. It has been viewed over 500,000 times.
Script
This is rated S for Spoilers.
In a world of remakes, revamps, and re-imaginings, prepare for the ultimate haymaker to your nostalgia sack, from a game that makes Final Fantasy look the way it did in your imagination instead of like a bunch of Roblox with wigs on.
Final Fantasy VII... REMAAAAAKE!
Get ready to experience Final Fantasy VII for the first time all over again, as Square finally delivers the game people have been screeching about on forums for over a decade, where the Popeye-forearmed cube boys of the past are replaced with near-photorealistic models -- well, the ones that don't look like melted Barbie dolls, anyway -- surrounded by setpieces that have been burned into your brain lovingly remodeled in 4K that you'll walk very slowly through several times, as Square tries to extend what is realistically a five-hour portion of the original game into a whole-ass RPG through extended dialogue, supplemental backstory, piles of side-quests, and very long, narrow hallways, none of which will bother you as FFVII Remake pumps your own childhood back into your brain like you're wearing a gas mask bong, in the glow-up of a lifetime that fans old and new can appreciate, but will absolutely still get mad about on the Internet instead. (in a whiny teenager voice) "AND Cloud's hair unrealistically holds its shape, even though we all know that Midgard is probably very humid! 0/10, would not buy again!"
Tifa: Maybe it's broken?
Launch into the redesigned combat system of VII Remake that takes the "action with menus" combat of XV to new heights, with a dash of the stagger mechanics straight out of XIII, as you combat-roll out of boss attacks like you're in a Dark Souls game and wait for the ATB bar to fill so you can stop everything you're doing to squint at your list of abilities, then do the same thing for your useless A.I. teammates so they don't stand in a corner blocking the entire fight, while you line up the right abilities to knock your enemies down so you can start doing some real damage, in a battle system about twenty times more complicated than its namesake that can be surprisingly satisfying when it doesn't feel like you're running a bad MMO raid. Tifa! Stop standing in the f*cking AoE! That's a 50 dkp minus!
Discover the modernized mechanics of this new spin on a classic, as Remake hits you with a truckload of fresh junk to pad out the play time, like a highly customizable but insanely tedious weapon upgrade system, new Materia to augment your play style or make your companions slightly less useless, summons that are commandable buddies instead of six-minute cutscenes, and new minigames to obsessively master for minor rewards. Uh, listen, I don't want to spoil too much, but Cloud? He gets faaabulooooous!
Prepare your body for the true controversy of the remake: the new and "improved" storyline, where you'll strap on the comically-oversized sword of the original tsundere (montage of Cloud sighing; Cloud: Let's get this over with...), as he soldiers on with his adopted group of eco-terrorists through the events that you'd expect from the first tenth or so of FFVII, as well as tons of added characterization and backstory for the minor players of the original that manage to make you actually care when the story kills them off...
Cloud: You owe me a pizza.
...brand-new antagonists that are clearly there to justify Kingdom Hearts-ass boss fights, and then there's the time-traveling ghosts, as Nomura shows his hand by basically putting the Heartless in FFVII and turning Sephiroth into Xehanort, where he reveals his master plan to make this game even more convoluted than it already was in the inevitable sequels through his trademark Doctor Who-esque timeline f*ckery, in a move clearly designed to make everyone who gave this thing 10/10 to admit that Kingdom Hearts is actually good. Congrats! You just got Nomura'd!
So bust out that Buster Sword and get ready to-- Wait, hold on; I've got to put points into my sword. ...in a Final Fantasy for a distinctly different time and place that also just happens to be a pretty damn good video game in its own right, as long as you can get over what it once was and look at what it could be. You know, in that way, it's a lot like Cloud in a dress.
Tifa: Oh, my God, that makeup...! And that dress...!
Cloud: Nailed it. I know. Thank you. Moving on.
Starring:
- Bottom Bottom (Cody Christian as Cloud Strife)
- Friends4Lifestream (Britt Baron as Tifa Lockhart)
- Mike Tyson Trying to Say Aeris (Briana White as Aerith Gainsborough)
- Black Mega Man (John Eric Bentley as Barret Wallace)
- Crazy Redd (Max Mittelman as Red XIII)
- Breaking Badger (Matt Jones as Wedge)
- Topper Harley (Gideon Emery as Biggs)
- Power Thirst (Erica Lindbeck as Jessie Rasberry)
- <snap> I've Come Up with a New Materia (Sean-Ryan Petersen as Chadley)
- Johnny Bravo (Yuri Lowenthal as Johnny)
- Recycled Shiki Design (Erika Harlacher as Kyrie Canaan)
- Post Puberty Yozora (Mark Whitten as Leslie Kyle)
- Andrea You Staya (Trevor Devall as Andrea Rhodea)
- The Handmaiden (Mallory Low as Madam M)
- Simple Rick's Wafers (Larry Davis as Chocobo Sam)
- The Three Stooges (Beck's Badasses [Andrew Kishino as Beck, Sean Rohani as Burke, and Ben Pronsky as Butch])
- Joe Dirt 3rd Class (Austin Lee Matthews as Roche)
- The Deepest V (Arnie Pantoja as Reno)
- Mr. Worldwide (William Christopher Stephens as Rude)
- Lazy Joker (Fred Tatasciore as Don Corneo)
- President Drumpf (James Horan as President Shinra)
- General Vladimir (John DiMaggio as Heidegger)
- Shou Tucker (James Sie as Professor Hojo)
- Moogle Management (Jon Root as Reeve Tuesti)
- Uhh, You Should Get That Looked At (Vic Chao as Tseng)
- 1 Percent Seifer (Josh Bowman as Rufus Shinra)
...and...
- One Winged Makosexual (Tyler Hoechlin as Sephiroth)
Final Fantasy VII Rewrite
The honest title for Final Fantasy VII Remake was 'Final Fantasy VII Rewrite.'
Okay, now that we did FFVII, when is the Bouncer remake? I mean, I can't be the only one that wants that, right? Right? Hellooo? Anybody?! Aww...
Viewer Comments
Please say: "I am the bone of my sword" - Ikuu
Please say: "I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!" - Brendan Lafferty
Say: "I have done nothing but teleport bread for 3 days" - Toast 424
Say: "I caught a sea bass! No, wait- it's at least a C+!" - VoiceofGrima 117
Say : "If God wanted you to live, he would not have created me!" - Victor Jonsson
Trivia
Reception
Honest Game Trailers - Final Fantasy VII Remake has a 94.7% approval rating from YouTube viewers.
Production Credits
Written by: Max Song, Andrew Bird and Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Max Song
Production Coordinator: Ryan O'Toole