Fire Emblem: Three Houses is the 239th episode of Fandom Games' comedy series Honest Game Trailers. It was written by Max Song, Andrew Bird, and Spencer Gilbert. It parodies the tactical role-playing video game Fire Emblem: Three Houses. It was published on August 27, 2019. It has been viewed over 300,000 times.
In an ancient land of swords, sorcery, and social links, three war-torn nations will set aside their age-old conflicts and come together over the one thing they can all agree on: sending their kids to the best private school.
Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Discover the latest entry in the legacy of the Fire Emblem series, where Nintendo doubles down on the franchise's surprise success on the 3DS as a medieval dating sim with some combat and just straight-up makes the game Harry Potter this time, as you take the role of a hot young professor who just happens to be a JRPG protagonist with amnesia and insane powers ordained by destiny, in the world's most happy-go-lucky school for child soldiers. Then, sort yourself into one of the titular three houses: the earnest knights who have a tiny bit of a religious zealotry problem (Blue Lions), the cool kids who kind of turn out to be fascists (Black Eagles), and the pack of misfits who really just need help keeping their sh*t together (Golden Deer). Then, get down to the real meat of the gameplay: trying to bang one of these kids. And hey, if you're worried that dating your students is kind of a bad look, you're also a serial killer and a god, so honestly, it should be pretty low on your list of ethics.
Foster the growth of your child charges through Three Houses' new out-of-combat gameplay that takes the minor social link gameplay from the previous titles and goes full Persona with it, giving you a fully-3D school to run around in full of students to creep on, PS1-era textures to enjoy, and an absolute litany of grindy side activities to keep you away from the combat featuring: eating seven meals with your students a day, making your students fight for your amusement, fishing 50 times to max out your professor level, picking up all the trash you see on the ground and carrying it around in case somebody lost it, luring new children away from their houses with their favorite candy and treats, and furiously having tea with everyone you meet, where you'll be rewarded for good conversation skills with a chance to stare wordlessly at your students' character model in a feature that might actually be creepier than the skinship thing in Fates. Then watch as all your hard work pays off in one-off skits and gags as your relationships blossom and the one-dimensional anime hairstyles they call "characters" start to develop half a personality so you'll maybe give a sh*t about them...? See, now, it's going to make it WAY harder for me to ignore your permadeath.
Gear up for the new and improved combat systems that Three Houses offers, being way easier, as Fire Emblem ditches the restrictive weapon triangle from previous games and showers you with ways to upgrade your troops, from tons of out-of-battle skill upgrades to numerous special attacks that let you eke out that extra damage you need, the new Battalion system that gives units uncounterable damage and free stats, and grindable battles to raise your units' levels far above the story missions, almost ensuring that you breeze through Normal without the traditional crushing fear of losing your dudes. Don't worry, you'll still be save scumming; it'll just be for dialogue options this time. Can't ever disappoint my dear, sweet hikikomori wife...
So grab those Joy-Cons and drop those trou, for a Fire Emblem experience that has something for every type of unsalvageable nerd you can imagine. Unless you really, really hate anime; then, why are you even playing these games to begin with?
- Self Insert (Zach Aguilar/Jeannie Tirado as Byleth)
- Edelweiss (Tara Platt as Edelgard)
- Dreamitri (Chris Hackney as Dimitri)
- T Pose for Dominance (Joe Zieja as Claude)
- To Ride Pegasus (Brittany Cox as Ingrid)
- Clearly Up to Something (Robbie Daymond as Hubert)
- Ghost Riding My Whip (Dorothy Elias Fahn as Mercedes)
- Syl-Extremely-Vain (Joe Brogie as Sylvain)
- Hildoesn't (Salli Saffioti as Hilda)
- Medieval Chie (Ratana Therakulsathit as Leonie)
- Voted Most Punchable (Ben Diskin as Lorenz)
- Polly Prissypants (Billy Kametz as Ferdinand)
- Working Linhardt, or Linhardtly Working? (Chris Patton as Linhardt)
- Semester Abroad (Faye Mata as Petra)
- Too Pure for This World (Shannon McKain as Ashe)
- Big Sword Player (Lucien Dodge as Felix)
- Vincent Van Geek (Christian La Monte as Ignatz)
- Princess Mono-Noke (Xanthe Huynh as Marianne)
- Shonen Protagonist (Ben Diskin as Caspar)
- Single and Ready to Mingle (Allegra Clark as Dorothea)
- Blandnette (Abby Trott as Annette)
- Dudue (sic) Sandstorm (Ben Lepley as Dedue)
- The Beefsteak Brings All the Boys to the Yard (Zack Rice as Raphael)
- 100% That Bitch (Janice Kawaye as Lysithea)
- Feel the Bern (Erica Mendez as Bernadetta)
- Drills to Pay the Bills (Deva Marie Gregory as Flayn)
- Please Stop Talking (Dave B. Mitchell as Alois)
- Crest Creep (Dan Woren as Hanneman)
- Hottest Mess (Veronica Taylor as Manuela)
- She-Ra (Laura Post as Catherine)
- Kunoichi (Allegra Clark as Shamir)
- Smothers Brother (Mark Whitten as Seteth)
- The Rheal OG (Cherami Leigh as Rhea)
- Emotionally Absent Father Figure (David Lodge as Jeralt);
- Da Real MVP (Gatekeeper).
Billy Byleth and the Emblem of Fire
You know, the best thing about playing the new Fire Emblem? Finding out who the next Smash character is going to be. All their moves will be tea-based.
Viewer Comments Edit
Please say: "I love the Powerglove. It's so bad." - JCDenton47
Please say: "We're gonna need a bigger slingshot." - Matthew Steiner
Please say: "the noodle overlord is now pleased, thank you." - Brendan Lafferty
Say, "Dragon deez nutz." - Richard Briesch
Please say, "Looking cool, Joker!" - AquamarineDust
Honest Game Trailers - Fire Emblem: Three Houses has a 92.9% approval rating from YouTube viewers.
Production Credits Edit
Edited by Max Song