Kingdom Hearts 3 is the 267th episode of Fandom Games' comedy series Honest Game Trailers. It was written by Max Song, Andrew Bird and Spencer Gilbert. It parodies the action role-playing video game Kingdom Hearts III. It was published on March 10, 2020. It has been viewed over 500,000 times.
From the developers of your favorite fantasy series that's never quite "final" (Square Enix), and the director known for his draconian fashion decisions (Tetsuya Nomura), comes the next installment of the Disney/Square hybrid that you had to wait all the way through your puberty for.
Kingdom Hearts III
Reawaken the Nobody that is the Kingdom Hearts series, once hailed as one of the best action-adventure RPGs, that dwindled into obscurity over the course of, like, decades of handheld spin-offs, to finally be redeemed in a main title seven years later that puts you back right where you were all that time ago: Mickey Mouse screaming in your face about the power of friendship.
Mickey Mouse: We are... All of us...
Travel to the many iconic Disney worlds of the Kingdom Hearts universe, as you experience the unique cognitive dissonance that only this series can provide of classic Disney characters having serious conversations about metaphysics with flamboyant trench coat-clad anime boys with three X's in their name. And, watch in bemusement as the series starts to run out of good Disney properties and has to settle for the slightly less-beloved titles, each with a couple unique mechanics or encounters to keep things interesting between thirty-minute cutscenes, until you solve their vaguely movie-themed problem and face your reward: getting to use the Gummi Ship again. Hooray...? It just wouldn't be a main Kingdom Hearts title without forcing you to play a bad shooter every couple of hours.
Dive into the iconic combat of Kingdom Hearts III that cobbles together different mechanics from previous games to spice up its PS2-era corridor levels, as you change your Keyblade into different forms to unleash a bevy of particle effects and over-the-top finishers, and has you running up walls, grinding on rails, and twirling around on poles like a cheap stripper, making the already-floaty gameplay feel more disorienting than chugging NyQuil on a merry-go-round, until you summon a literal merry-go-round, as you wipe out swathes of enemies with Disney theme park rides because I guess they weren't quite breaking the fourth wall enough already (?), in fights where the particle effects are flying so thick and fast that the most relevant combat skill is having any idea what the f*ck is going on. Yeah, I'm about 90% sure this game is just an attempt to kill epileptic people.
Open your heart to the real attraction of the Kingdom Hearts series, the storyline, and see what kind of narrative clusterf*ck eighteen years and eleven different canonical stories make, as Nomura tries to finally tie everything up in a nice bow that just ends up being a noose for your brain to hang itself with... for the inferior mind, anyway! Because actually, it's really quite simple. Let me explain. <deep breath>
So, Sora, after failing the Mark of Mastery test, has to learn the "power of waking" that lets you put together people's hearts, and totally not a new device that they just introduced. And, Mickey and Riku go out searching for the remaining other guardians of light, because they will have to inevitably clash with the other thirteen versions of Xehanort, because of his obvious fetish for numerals, haha. And, Sora finds out that Roxas, Ventus, and Xion are squatting in his heart. They find Aqua in the realm of darkness and bring her back from the brink. Aqua, now exorcised, finds a body of Ventus that is still sleeping in Castle Oblivion. They are then met by Vanitas, the evil dark clone of Ventus, as Sora, in an MLG move, learns the power of waking and returns Ventus' heart to him. With all the guardians gathered, they go off to fight Xehanort and his other twelve cohorts -- because it was going to happen eventually, so they might as well get it over with -- which was also a part of Xehanort's plan to create another χ-blade (with an "X") by having the Keyblade wielders clash with the darkness, only to have Sora and party get unceremoniously wiped out. Then, Sora finds himself in limbo, where he eventually escapes with the help of Chirithy, a stuffed animal, and Kairi to find the other scattered guardians with the power of waking, then travels back in time to defeat the darkness with all the people that played the mobile game in a moment RIPPED DIRECTLY FROM NIER: AUTOMATA! Then, Sora and party split up and begin to defeat the Xehanorts one by one, until Kairi is kidnapped again (because that's her narrative purpose). (montage of all the times Kairi was abducted) And, we watch as Xehanort basically kills her in cold blood to provoke Sora into fighting him, and thus complete the χ-blade (with an "X") to finally open the real Kingdom Hearts after EIGHTEEN YEARS. Sora goes after him and, in usual fashion, kicks his ass with the power of the heart or camaraderie or whatever as Xehanort concedes defeat and gets picked up by his buddy Eraqus to finally go... die? Which seems pretty lenient after all the sh*t he's pulled; I mean, Hell is canonically a place, right? Then, with the geriatrics defeated, the guardians FINALLY close Kingdom Hearts; Sora, however, decides to use the power of waking once more to find Kairi at the expense of his own heart and jets off. AND, if you pay the $29.99, you can watch as Sora goes back in time again, travelling from heart to heart to recover pieces of Kairi from the other guardians, but also somehow defeating Xehanort again to show that Kairi wasn't completely useless after all; only about 70%. FINALLY, all the trios from the previous games get some closure, even the ones that had no bodies to begin with. "How?", do you ask? We-he-hell, empty clone bodies, obviously. They all frolic together in a big beach party, and Sora gets Thanos-snapped out of existence, finally closing the door on a saga that probably slipped out of Nomura's control years ago. OR SO YOU THOUGHT! THEN, it's revealed that this was all a ploy to sow the seeds of his next installment of Kingdom Hearts; it's just a blantant "f*ck you" to the people who kicked him off the FF XIII Versus/XV project that... kind of takes a sh*t on all the emotional investment that you put into these games over all those years ago. (crying) Why can't you... just let them love, Nomura?! <sniff> Why--
So whip out your Keyblades and post a selfie on... Kingdom Hearts Instagram (?), as you try to enjoy a game that will slowly make you realize that maybe your investment in this series died along with your childish ability to feel joy, and you accept that maybe this franchise really was just for kids, only to ugly-cry during, like, half the cutscenes, because even if you have a mortgage to pay now, it turns out all that's really important to you is that Sora and Kairi get to share the paopu fruit in Heaven or whatever.
Starring: Starcrossed Loser (Haley Joel Osment as Sora); Liability (Alyson Stoner as Kairi); Dark Power Bottom (David Gallagher as Riku); Do I Own That? Ha Ha (Bret Iwan as King Mickey); Medical Mallard Practice (Tony Anselmo as Donald Duck); He Likes to Hyukk (Bill Farmer as Goofy); Roxalcopter (Jesse McCartney as Roxas); Reformed Juggalo (Quinton Flynn as Lea); Gone Girl (Alyson Stoner as Xion); Heart Worlds (Jesse McCartney as Ventus); Face Off (Jason Dohring as Terra); Aqua Bat-tery (Willa Holland as Aqua); X's Gonna Give It To Ya (Richard Epcar as Terra-Xehanort and Ansem, Paul St. Peter as Xemnas, and Rutger Hauer as Master Xehanort); and No-More-A (Dylan Sprouse as Yozora).
Fabula Kingdom Crystallis ReVersus III/420
I've been having these weird thoughts lately, like "Is any of this going to end, or not?" It's not.
Viewer Comments Edit
Please say, "Why does nobody say 'That's so wizard' anymore?" - healsallwounds
For Flanders sake Say: "What can I ding-dong-diddily-do for you?" - Tony Stank
Say: "I'm cold, I'm wet, there's a fish on my head...!" - Andrew Haase
Please say: "Cholesterol doesn't kill, I DO!" - Исламхан Балтабай
Pease say: you can not spell stEAl without "EA"! - Pete Deadline
Honest Game Trailers - Kingdom Hearts 3 has a 95.7% approval rating from YouTube viewers.
Production Credits Edit
Edited by: Max Song
Production Coordinator: Ryan O'Toole