Alien: Romulus is the 566th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2024 science fiction horror film Alien: Romulus. It was published on October 22, 2024. It is 7 minutes and 37 seconds long. It has been viewed over 700,000 times.
Script[]
You've seen aliens screw with space truckers (Alien (1979)), space marines (Aliens), and rejects from Space Jam. (shows Ripley 8 smacking Christie with a basketball and shooting a basket while facing backwards in Alien Resurrection) Now, prepare for DJ Fede Álvarez to remix the classics into something brand-new.
Rook: I'm Science Officer Rook...
Okay, slightly new.
Tyler: Well, this is what the Colonial Marines used.
...At certain points new. (shows a Xenomorph roaring in Rain's face) <sigh> Only new when they birth a full-grown Michael Rapaport.
Michael Rapaport: (through the Offspring) You miserable, motherless motherf*cker. (cackles)
Alien: IIIIIII-- I mean, Romulus.
Come work for Weyland-Yutani, a company formed by the merger of SpaceX and Amazon.
Officer: Due to a shortage of workers, you're being transferred to the mines.
They failed to contain a Xenomorph outbreak for, what, like, the hundredth time? And now, the perfect killing machines you remember face off against a new challenger: this gang of clueless orphans...
Tyler: We should be in and out in 30 minutes.
...in the easiest win for an alien since "Omni-Man versus rush hour". (shows Omni-Man forcing Invincible through a subway train, killing and eviscerating everyone inside) I know it's the worst line in the franchise, but Weyland-Yutani deserves what's coming for it.
Dr. Mason Wren (Alien Resurrection): Bought out by Wal-Mart.
Ironically, that's the only place you can still find Alien vs. Predator. (shows a Walmart bargain bin containing a DVD of Alien vs. Predator)
Move over, Sigourney; this final girl is the actress who bought all the vowels: "Ci-ai-lee-ee Spee-ae-nee-ee". (Cailee Spaeny) She's Rain, a beautiful child of mine workers dreaming of a better future, like Zoolander in space.
Derek Zoolander: Hey, Pop. I thought maybe I could work the mines with you guys!
Her only companion is Andy the android; he was meant to help raise her, but in a cruel twist of fate, he was only built for dad jokes...
Andy: Why don't monsters eat clowns?
Rain: 'Cause they taste funny.
Andy: They taste funny.
...and he crashes more than Windows 2000.
Rain: You're okay. I'm resetting you.
(shows Rain powering Andy off)
Tyler: Rain, did I do something wrong? He's just frozen up.
Rain: He's just rebooting. It's going to take a couple of minutes.
(shows Andy's powered-off body as the Windows 2000 startup music plays)
But Rain can still count on her trusty bro-bot to help with some light fingering (montage of Andy pushing buttons), and to know just enough to set up the stakes, but never enough to break the tension.
Andy: They track you by sound, but primarily, by heat signature.
Rain: If we raise the temperature in the room to match our bodies... would that make us invisible to them?
Andy: Just one way to find out.
Andy: The amount of current will violently contract its tail flexors and will break her neck.
Rain: Maybe if it's frozen, it won't choke her.
Andy: That could work.
Tyler: So what's the point in giving us the guns?
Andy: Because the creature may see it as a threat, and maybe won't charge at us dead-on.
Rain: "Maybe".
Andy: Big maybe.
Thanks, Andy; that's... almost helpful. Joining them is the Goonies, if they often said "die". Tyler the orphan says he learned to soldier from video games...
Rain: Where'd you learn all this?
Tyler: Games and magazines.
...but when this is what games look like, I call shenanigans (shows a rudimentary video game from the film); that guy's a Marine whose backstory got cut.
Tyler: Right, this is an F44AA pulse rifle. It's rotating breech, electronic pulse action.
Bjorn the orphan hates androids for orphaning him...
Navarro: --a synthetic made the call to seal them with Bjorn's mom still trapped inside.
...and he made a solemn vow to never speak legibly again.
Bjorn: (in a heavy Cockney accent) You know, I heard that cryo-sleep just makes years feel like one night of heavy drinkin', apparently.
"You wot, mate?" Navarro is an orphan pilot who's killed off right away; good thing her job can be replaced by two buttons.
Rook: Press the button... (shows the "Autopilot" button lighting up)
And Kay is an orphan who is way too pregnant to go on a space heist.
Rain: Who's the father?
Kay: Some assh*le.
What if a weird craving strikes for, like, pickles or the goo from Prometheus? Mmm, prequel gooooooo. (shows Kay injecting herself with an unknown substance)
Together, they'll have to deal with a zoo's worth of Xenos, featuring the most awkward Facehuggers in franchise history (shows Tyler swatting away a Facehugger), who can't see you if it's too warm (shows Rain sneaking past a Facehugger in a room set to a normal human body temperature), and share an A.I. app's sense for where a face should be. (shows multiple Facehuggers leaping at Tyler's face while he dodges them) Almost... (shows a Facehugger latching onto the side of Tyler's head) No, wrong side! Other side! (shows a Facehugger slamming into a wall after leaping through a closing door, then getting swatted by Tyler) Okay, but imagine how good they'll be in another five years. But the real threats come from the franchise's usual gang of spiky, parasitic di*dos, plus one undrafted center from Serbia who's going to turn things around for the Pistons next season, and the ultimate villain to anyone who's ever played a video game: doors. (montage of characters struggling to get through doors)
Rain: You almost closed the door on him.
Andy: Yes, but... I didn't.
Rain: Open the door.
Rook: I'm afraid I must deny your petition.
(shows Rain angrily firing the pulse rifle at the monitor displaying Rook)
Kay: Please open the door.
Rain: Why won't you help me?!
Tyler: Open the f*cking door!
Andy: There was nothing I could have done to save her.
Tyler: You could have opened the f*cking door!
Obviously plotting against them from the start is Rook, a synth who's like the team at every entertainment company: still trying to do his job despite being slashed in half.
Rook: --I humbly request your services now. / To finish our mission.
Just in time for spooky season, Ian Holm stars from beyooond the graaave (!)...
Rook: Get out, however you got in.
...in a performance that does for acting what Snapchat filters did for portraits. And sure, a human actor could've brought something new to this role, and wouldn't have made the film complicit in the same ghoulish greed it rails against.
Rook: --have mercy and end her life now.
...That's it. (shows Rook staring silently)
So strap in for a fun-but-safe take on some sci-fi horror classics, that's got the same old grimy, dystopian look, even though a world with no touchscreens is a plus for me (shows an array of buttons lighting up); the same familiar themes of familial love versus capitalism run amok...
Andy: I'm afraid I have a new directive. To do what's best for the company.
...and the same brutal alien action done well enough to keep me hooked for three more of these dumb things. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a good tentacle. (shows a Facehugger being extracted from Navarro, focusing on its long central tentacle being slowly removed from her mouth) "Never skimp on the tentacle"; H. R. Giger said that.
Starring: The Rainy in Spaeny Falls Mainlee on the Plainee (Cailee Spaeny as Rain); O Brother, Spare Parts Thou (David Jonsson as Andy); First Person Looter (Archie Renaux as Tyler); Her Womb Connects Them All (Isabela Merced as Kay); (Chav Noises) (Spike Fearn as Bjorn); I'm Sure That Egg is a Very Nice Person (Aileen Wu as Navarro); An Actual Synth (Ian Holm and Daniel Betts as Rook); and It's True... This Man Has No D*ck. (Robert Bobroczkyi as the Offspring)
Alien: Similis
The honest title for Alien: Romulus was ‘Alien: Similis’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Has Weyland-Yutani considered making an android that, I don't know, doesn't worship the monsters who want to crack us open like king crab legs?!
Rook: --lack of oxygen and food is of no true consequence to this perfect organism.
So... no, then?
Viewer's Comments[]
say: daylight come and me wan go home - 16colombiano
Please say with your Marlon Brando voice: "And what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palookaville." - Arawn505
Please say "Spooky Scary Skeletons Send Shivers Down Your Spine, Shrieking Skulls Will Shock Your Bones, Reveal Your Doom Tonight" - mansournosseir2676
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Manager: Emin Bassavand
Content Manager: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Post-Production Specialist: Rebecca Castaneda
VP Content: Max Dionne