Aliens is the 199th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell and Andy Signore. It parodies the 1986 sci-fi action horror film Aliens. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It was published on May 16, 2017, to coincide with the theatrical release of Alien: Covenant. It is 4 minutes 40 seconds long. It has been viewed over 3.6 million times.
"It's like a sex toy factory made out of scorpions." ~ Honest Trailers - Aliens
From James Cameron, before he got obsessed with blue people ponytail sex (shows Jake and Neytiri kissing under the Tree of Souls in Avatar), comes a brilliantly simple plan to make Alien even better: make it plural. Aliensssss.
Before you see the sequel to whatever Prometheus was about (Alien: Covenant), revisit a sequel that wasn't necessarily better than the original, but it damn sure was bigger, yellier (shows clips of characters yelling), and ten times more boomier (shows clips of explosions). Y'know, this worked 'cause they twisted a horror film into a war movie, but every other action franchise just figured "good sequel" means "loud noises" (shows clips of explosions from Mission: Impossible II and Die Hard 2).
Return to the grimy, sweaty truck stop bathroom that is the Alien universe, and dust off your undies to salute your dad's first crush, Ripley. She's back in action after taking out an alien single-handedly, and still no one listens to a thing she has to say.
Ellen Ripley: I'm telling you that those things exist.
Van Leuwin: Thank you, Officer Ripley. That will be all.
Ellen Ripley: Are you listening?...Listen to me!...Just one of those things managed to wipe out my entire crew.
Gorman: Yeah, okay, right.
Ellen Ripley: Do it now!
Gorman: Shut up!
But Ripley's not alone; she's riding with the Colonial Space Marines. They may not be all that brave...
Ellen Ripley: Do something! (Gorman sits in shock) F*ck!
...not that in shape (shows Wierzbowski coughing while emerging from a hypersleep pod), don't have the best discipline (shows Hudson hastily firing off an assault rifle), and are more than a little bit creepy sometimes (Apone: There's some juicy colonists' daughters we have to rescue from their virginity.), but, uhhhhh...that big gun is pretty sweet! (makes firing noises over clips of Smart Guns firing)
Meet side characters who rise above being disposable alien bait, like Hicks, the greasepainted soldier in all your favorite movies (shows Michael Biehn as Hicks, Charles Anderson in The Rock, and Kyle Reese in The Terminator); Vasquez, a master of disguise cleverly pretending to be Latina (shows Jenette Goldstein as Vasquez and an Irish mother in Titanic) -- yep, same person -- and Bill Paxton's Hudson, the Marine who literally can't even.
Hudson: This can't be happening, man...How did they cut the power, man?! They're animals!...Now what the f*ck are we supposed to do?!...We're not gonna last seventeen hours...We're f*cked!...Game over, man, game over!
R.I.P., B-Pax; it's never game over, man.
Together, they'll take on the nastiest monster in the galaxy: corporate middle managers (Carter Burke: This installation has a substantial dollar value attached to it.), and also some xenomorphs, perfect killing machines who can only be defeated by big-ass futuristic guns, assault rifles, fire, tiny little shotguns, handguns, or extra slow robot punches (shows Ripley hitting the Alien Queen with a cargo-loader exosuit). But, man, do they look scary! It's like a sex toy factory made out of scorpions.
So strap in with one of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time that took all the cool stuff from the original, like crawling through ducts, milky robots, and, uh, the exact same ending (shows clips comparing the first and second Alien movies), then added frickin' mechs (cargo-loader) and a Batmobile (M577 APC), 'cause even if you're making a brutally dark sci-fi movie for adults, you still gotta sell a few toys.
Toy Commercial Announcer: Send in the ultimate Space Marine, Atax, disguised in his big, bad bug suit!
Well, that's still a better story than Prometheus.
Starring The Talented Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver); Hey, Hicksy, You So Fine (Michael Biehn as Hicks); The Garbage Pale Kid (Carrie Henn as Rebecca "Newt" Jordin); Mad About You (Paul Reiser as Carter Burke); I'm the Pax-Man, Bi-Ya-Ba-Ba-Da-Ba! (Bill Paxton as Hudson); C-Creepy-O (Lance Henriksen as Bishop); My Favorite Twitch Channel (shows video footage of the Space Marines); Yas Kween (Carl Toop as Alien Queen); and The Most Badass Moment in Sci-fi History.
Ellen Ripley (approaching the Alien Queen in an exosuit): Get away from her, you bitch!
Aliens: Yep, That Actually Sums It Up Pretty Good
Ripley, I got one question for ya: WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOSE?! (shows Ripley's boots stepping into footholds on an exosuit)
- Screen Junkies teased this Honest Trailer in the first episode of their short-lived variety show Flick Bait. The writers explained they had two potential Honest Trailer options to coincide with the theatrical release for Alien: Covenant, either Alien (1979) or Aliens (1986). While the writers thought both films were good, they felt Aliens' action genre gave them more latitude to "have fun" with the movie.
- Screen Junkies have also produced Honest Trailers for several other science-fiction films including Predator, Blade Runner, Alien: Covenant, Interstellar, Inception, Jurassic Park, Jurassic World and many more (see list of Honest Trailers).
- An Honest Trailer Commentary for this episode was recorded and was available on the Screen Junkies Plus until the website/app was discontinued. Screen Junkies don't currently have any way of releasing the video.
Honest Trailers - Aliens has a 98.0% approval rating from YouTube viewers. CinemaBlend declared that no movie is above being "lampooned and chastised by Honest Trailers" and that Screen Junkies' take was "hilarious." Syfy Wire praised Screen Junkies for highlighting Ripley's fight against the Queen xenomorph, saying "they're right about that being the most badass moment in sci-fi history." TechnoBuffalo said the Honest Trailer was "another home run for Screen Junkies," and appreciated the video's observation that the xenomorphs can be "killed literally by any sort of weapon." Slash Film applauded the Honest Trailer's vivid line "a sex toy factory made of scorpions," writing "can we just acknowledge how perfect the description of xenomorphs is? There’s something that is simultaneously so erotic about the design of the xenomorphs but also disturbing. H.R. Giger‘s creations have a sort of S&M vibe to them, which is perhaps why xenomorphs are so keen on delivering some of the most painful, gruesome deaths that sci-fi has ever seen."
Production credits Edit
Voiceover Narration by Jon Bailey
Title design by Robert Holtby
Executive Producer - Andy Signore
Edited by Kevin Williamsen and TJ Nordaker
- ‘Aliens’ Honest Trailer: It’s Like a Sex Toy Factory Made Out of Scorpions - SlashFilm article
- THE HONEST TRAILER FOR ALIENS IS HONESTLY AWESOME - SyFy Wire article
- An Honest Trailer for Aliens - Neatorama article
- Honest Trailers Presents James Cameron’s ‘Aliens’ - Geeks of Doom article
- James Cameron's ALIENS Gets an Honest Trailer - Geek Tyrant article
- Before you watch Alien: Covenant, watch the Honest Trailer for Aliens - Techno Buffalo article
- The Very Honest Aliens Trailer Pokes Fun At No One Listening To Ripley And More - CinemaBlend article