Aliens is the 199th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell and Andy Signore. It parodies the 1986 sci-fi action horror film Aliens. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It was published on May 16, 2017, to coincide with the theatrical release of Alien: Covenant. It is 4 minutes 40 seconds long. It has been viewed over 3.6 million times.
Watch Honest Trailers - Aliens on YouTube
"It's like a sex toy factory made out of scorpions!" ~ Honest Trailers - Aliens
Script[]
From James Cameron, before he got obsessed with blue people ponytail sex (shows Jake Sully and Neytiri kissing under the Tree of Souls in Avatar), comes a brilliantly simple plan to make Alien even better: MAKE. IT. PLURAL. (shows Hicks finding multiple Xenomorphs crawling in the vents)
Aliensss
Before you see the sequel to whatever Prometheus was about (Alien: Covenant), revisit a sequel that wasn't necessarily better than the original (Alien), but it damn sure was bigger (shows Ripley operating a cargo loader exosuit), yell-ier (montage of characters screaming), and ten times more boom-ier. (montage of huge explosions) You know, this worked 'cause they twisted a horror film into a war movie, but every other action franchise just figured "good sequel" means "loud noises". (shows Ethan Hunt and Sean Ambrose's motorcycle duel in Mission: Impossible 2 and John McClane blowing up Col. William Stuart's plane in Die Hard 2)
Return to the grimy, sweaty truck stop bathroom that is the Alien universe...
Apone: Nobody touch nothing.
...and dust off your undies to salute your dad's first crush: Ripley. (shows Ripley using a flamethrower on a Xenomorph) She's back in action after taking out an alien single-handedly (shows Ripley shooting the Xenomorph out of the Nostromo in Alien), and still no one listens to a thing she has to say.
Ripley: --I'm telling you that those things exist.
Van Leuwen: Thank you, Officer Ripley. That will be all.
Ripley: Are you listening? / Listen to me. / --just one of those things managed to wipe out my entire crew...
Gorman: Yeah, okay, right.
Ripley: Do it now!
Gorman: Shut up!
Ripley: ... ... ...
But Ripley's not alone. She's riding with the Colonial Space Marines; they may not be all that brave...
Ripley: Do something!
Gorman: (cowers in fear)
Ripley: F*ck!
...not that in shape (shows Wierzbowski coughing after emerging from a hypersleep pod), don't have the best discipline...
Drake: (after Hudson hastily fires a pulse rifle at a wall near them) F*ck!
...and are more than a little bit creepy sometimes...
Apone: There's some juicy colonists' daughters we have to rescue from their virginity. (laughs)
...but, uh... that big gun (M56 Smartgun) is pretty sweet! Pssh-ssh-ssh-ssh-sshew! Pew pew pew pew!
Meet side characters who rise above being disposable alien bait, like Hicks, the grease-painted soldier in all your favorite movies (shows Michael Biehn as Dwayne Hicks in this film, Commander Charles Anderson in The Rock, and Kyle Reese in The Terminator); Vasquez, a master of disguise cleverly pretending to be Latina --
Vasquez: Pendejo, jerk-off.
Irish Mother (Titanic): When they finish putting first-class people in the boats, they'll be starting with us...
Yep, same person. (shows photos of Jenette Goldstein as both characters side-by-side) -- and Bill Paxton's Hudson, the Marine who literally can't even.
Hudson: This can't be happenin', man. / How could they cut the power, man? They're animals! / Now what the f*ck are we supposed to do?! / --we're not gonna last 17 hours. / We're f*cked! / Game over, man! Game over!
RIP, B. Pax; it's never game over, man.
Together, they'll take on the nastiest monster in the galaxy: corporate middle managers...
Burke: This installation has a substantial dollar value attached to it.
...and also some Xenomorphs, perfect killing machines who can only be defeated by big-ass futuristic guns (shows Vasquez blowing a Xenomorph apart with her Smartgun), assault rifles...
Hudson: (while firing his pulse rifle at some Xenomorphs) Die, motherf*cker!
...fire (shows some Chestbursters being roasted with flamethrowers), tiny little shotguns (shows Hicks firing his shotgun into a Xenomorph's head), handguns (shows Vasquez emptying a pistol clip into a Xenomorph), or extra-slow robot punches. (shows Ripley punching the Queen with her exosuit) But man, did they look scary! It's like a sex toy factory made out of scorpions!
So strap in with one of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time, that took all the cool stuff from the original, like crawling through ducts (shows Dallas crawling through a vent in Alien and Bishop crawling through a vent in this film), milky robots (shows Ash spewing circulatory fluid in Alien and Bishop spewing circulatory fluid in this film), and, uh... the exact same ending (shows Xenomorphs being blasted into space through an airlock in both Alien and this film), then added fricking mechs (shows the exosuit again) and a Batmobile (shows an M577 Armored Personnel Carrier), 'cause even if you're making a brutally dark sci-fi movie for adults, you still gotta sell a few toys.
Aliens Toy Commercial Announcer: Send in the ultimate Space Marine, Atax, disguised in his big bad bug suit!
...Well, that's still a better story than Prometheus. (shows the Sacrifice Engineer drinking Chemical A0-3959X.91 – 15 in Prometheus)
Starring: The Talented Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley); Hey Hicksy, You So Fine (Michael Biehn as Dwayne Hicks); The Garbage Pale Kid (Carrie Henn as Rebecca "Newt" Jorden); Mad About You (Paul Reiser as Carter J. Burke); I'm the Pax Man! Bee-Ap-Bap-Ba-Dap-Bap! (Bill Paxton as Hudson); C-Creepy-O (Lance Henriksen as Bishop); My Favorite Twitch Channel (shows Apone's video feed of the Colonial Marines); Yas Kween (the Acheron Queen); and The Most Badass Moment in Sci-Fi History.
Ripley: (approaching the Queen in the exosuit) Get away from her, you BITCH!
WHOOOOO!
Aliens: Yep, That Actually Sums It Up Pretty Good
Honest title for Aliens - Aliens: Yes, That Actually Sums it Up Pretty Good. Title design by Robert Holtby.
Ripley, I've got one question for you: WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOSE?! (shows Ripley's Reebok-branded boots)
Trivia[]
- Screen Junkies teased this Honest Trailer in the first episode of their short-lived variety show Flick Bait. The writers explained they had two potential Honest Trailer options to coincide with the theatrical release for Alien: Covenant, either Alien (1979) or Aliens (1986). While the writers thought both films were good, they felt Aliens' action genre gave them more latitude to "have fun" with the movie.
- Screen Junkies have also produced Honest Trailers for several other science-fiction films including Predator, Blade Runner, Alien: Covenant, Interstellar, Inception, Jurassic Park, Jurassic World and many more (see list of Honest Trailers).
- An Honest Trailer Commentary for this episode was recorded and was available on the Screen Junkies Plus until the website/app was discontinued. Screen Junkies don't currently have any way of releasing the video.
Reception[]
Honest Trailers - Aliens has a 98.0% approval rating from YouTube viewers. CinemaBlend declared that no movie is above being "lampooned and chastised by Honest Trailers" and that Screen Junkies' take was "hilarious." Syfy Wire praised Screen Junkies for highlighting Ripley's fight against the Queen Xenomorph, saying "they're right about that being the most badass moment in sci-fi history." TechnoBuffalo said the Honest Trailer was "another home run for Screen Junkies," and appreciated the video's observation that the Xenomorphs can be "killed literally by any sort of weapon." Slash Film applauded the Honest Trailer's vivid line "a sex toy factory made of scorpions," writing "can we just acknowledge how perfect the description of Xenomorphs is? There’s something that is simultaneously so erotic about the design of the Xenomorphs but also disturbing. H.R. Giger‘s creations have a sort of S&M vibe to them, which is perhaps why Xenomorphs are so keen on delivering some of the most painful, gruesome deaths that sci-fi has ever seen."
Production credits[]
Video thumbnail for Honest Trailers - Aliens
Voiceover Narration by Jon Bailey
Title design by Robert Holtby
Series Created by Andy Signore & Brett Weiner
Executive Producer - Andy Signore
Producers - Dan Murrell, Spencer Gilbert, Michael Bolton, Christina Kline
Written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell & Andy Signore
Edited by Kevin Williamsen and TJ Nordaker
External links[]
- ‘Aliens’ Honest Trailer: It’s Like a Sex Toy Factory Made Out of Scorpions - SlashFilm article
- THE HONEST TRAILER FOR ALIENS IS HONESTLY AWESOME - SyFy Wire article
- An Honest Trailer for Aliens - Neatorama article
- Honest Trailers Presents James Cameron’s ‘Aliens’ - Geeks of Doom article
- James Cameron's ALIENS Gets an Honest Trailer - Geek Tyrant article
- Before you watch Alien: Covenant, watch the Honest Trailer for Aliens - Techno Buffalo article
- The Very Honest Aliens Trailer Pokes Fun At No One Listening To Ripley And More - CinemaBlend article