Avatar: The Way of Water is the 490th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2022 epic science fiction film Avatar: The Way of Water. It was published on April 11, 2023. It is 6 minutes and 50 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
From Disney Film Sub-Brand 6 of 7 (20th Century Studios), comes a movie so expensive, it had to be the fourth-biggest hit of all time to make any money. (a Variety article with the title "'Avatar 2' Is So Expensive It Must Become the 'Fourth or Fifth Highest-Grossing Film in History' Just to Break Even" pops up) But when it comes to sequels, never bet against JAMES... MOTHER... F*CKING... CAMERON. (a Variety article with the title "'Avatar: The Way of Water' Overtakes 'Titanic' as Third-Highest Grossing Movie of All Time" pops up) King of the f*cking world, baby!
Avatar: The Way of Water
Remember Avatar 1? Kinda, right? Something about blue elves having ponytail sex with a flying dog? Well, it's back, and this time, they do it with a fish-horse. Join up with full-time Dad-atar Jake Sully, a man who puts the "marine" in "aquamarine"...
Jake: (to his children) --and you disobey direct orders. / Go on, dismissed.
...and wife Neytiri, just kind of crying in the background this time around. (shows Neytiri crying as Jake holds her) They'll move the family to Space Florida, a place full of racial tension, even though the water tribe is, like, one crayon over. But these soggy locals have their own kinds of nature magic, that let them heal the sick, commune with animals, and somehow manage to keep their dicks and blewbs from showing at all times. (in a low tone of voice) A'maka'tea. It means "double-sided tape".
Watch this Blue Man's Troupe start their lives over in an obligatory underwater level, and even though some of the kids are getting feels for teals, it turns out that the ocean Na'vi? Kinda salty.
Ronal: Their arms are thin. [...] Their tails... (pulls on Kiri's tail)
Kiri: Ow!
Ronal: ...are weak.
Still, the Sully clan is here to do two things: learn about the gentle customs of the sea people, and get kidnapped, and they're all out of sea customs. (montage of Jake and Neytiri's children getting kidnapped) You know, for a guy who keeps saying "my family is my fortress", maybe Jake should, I don't know, hire a sitter?
Tuk: (whimpering) I can't believe I'm tied up again!
With Earth's resources tapped out, James Cameron must invent a whole new culture for white actors to appropriate, with Kate Winslet just how Cameron likes her -- wet -- and Sigourney Weaver, who's either chilling like an unopened jar of pickled eggs, or playing her teenage self Kiri, the only one higher than you when you watch this.
Aonung: She's just looking at the sand. (laughs along with other boys)
Kiri: Huh?
Tagging along is Spider, a tiny Tarzan who's lucky he was abandoned on Pandora, 'cause back on Earth, he would just be Ras Trent.
Ras Trent: (singing) Ba-da ding-ding-ding-ding whooaaaaa! / Rude boy living in the shanty dorms...
Together, Spider and Kiri must face their daddy issues. His dad is a homicidal maniac; her dad is probably an ancient tree goddess. Either way, neither one is paying child support. And don't forget Jake's rebellious son Lo'ak, an outcast's outcast who bonds with the whale equivalent of a fedora kid...
Rotxo: He's outcast.
...and the responsible son Neteyam. Or... wait, was Lo'ak the good son? Which one is which, again?
Lo'ak: Dad, just breathe.
Jake: Neteyam?
Lo'ak: No, Dad. It's Lo'ak.
It doesn't help that they all talk like prank YouTubers from 2013. (montage of characters saying "bro", "dude", "cuz", and "sick")
Somehow, Quaritch has returned, and like any other Disney character who gets old or dies (shows the deepfakes of Princess Leia, Grand Moff Tarkin, and Luke Skywalker), he's been replaced by a CG version of himself. Now, he's got a strike team of the bluest Meanies money can buy, and the ability to instantly find whatever he's looking for on an entire planet.
Col. Quaritch: (to Kiri) You're his, aren't you?
Gen. Ardmore: That's hundreds of islands. / --lots of villages.
Col. Quaritch: This is our guy.
Col. Quaritch: (spying on Jake and his children through a viewfinder) I'll be damned. Sully's kids.
With the help of this whale goo enthusiast (Mick Scoresby) and the most immoral marine biologist since George Costanza (Dr. Ian Garvin), he'll search for two full hours of screen time before finally finding what he was looking for: an excuse for James Cameron to pop a sub.
Submarine Pilot: And release. (undocks his submarine from the ship)
Just, incredible restraint to wait that long before popping a sub. But after that? Dude just can't help himself!
Scoresby: Sub teams, two minutes! Let's get in there!
So if you only see one sci-fi sequel about saving space whales, see this one -- But isn't it weird that there's two of them? (plays a clip from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home) -- in an experience that is awe-inspiring in a 3D IMAX theater, looks like a screensaver on your TV at home, and absolute crap here on YouTube, that, for all its flaws, kept movie theaters in business for just a little bit longer, and kept audiences from having to live in their actual reality for three precious hours. (a Deadline article with the title "James Cameron on 'Avatar' Sequels: 'You Will Sh*t Yourself With Your Mouth Wide Open'" pops up) <sigh> You were right, James; you were more right than you ever could have known. (shows some underwater imagery from the film while playing a fart sound effect)
Starring: Sully is a Fam-i-ly Guyyy (Sam Worthington as Jake Sully); I See You Less and Less These Days (Zoe Saldaña as Neytiri); In the Na'viiii (Stephen Lang as Col. Miles Quaritch); Sigourney Tweener (Sigourney Weaver as Kiri); The Wrong Kid Died! (Jamie Flatters as Neteyam); Jah! Rastafarianism! (Jack Champion as Miles "Spider" Socorro); Tater Tuk (Trinity Jo-Li Bliss as Tuktirey "Tuk"); The Sea Was Angry That Day, My Friends (Payakan); Chief Reef (Cliff Curtis as Tonowari); Kate Inlet (Kate Winslet as Ronal); What We Do in the Shallows (Jemaine Clement as Dr. Ian Garvin); Are You Pulling My Tail? (montage of Na'vi pulling on each other's tails); Talking Out the Side of They Neck (montage of Na'vi using their communicators); Sonic Flashbacks (montage of Na'vi in danger of drowning, set to the "about to drown" music from the Genesis Sonic games); and Hiss (montage of Na'vi hissing).
Go Fish!
The honest title for Avatar: The Way of Water was ‘Go Fish!’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Aw, thank goodness this little guy's here to tell the massive planetary crust-scooping bulldozer where to go. "Right over there! Yep, thataway!"
Viewer's Comments[]
Say "HEY YOU GUYS!!!!" - Randall Thomas
If epic voice guy would say " Jane get me off this crazy thing" - Lauren D
Say "Looks like somebodies on the wrong side of the river!!!!" - Ler
Say "I'll do you one better, why is epic voice over guy?" - darthkonstantinoz
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Post-Production Coordinator: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Assistant Editor: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne