Avatar (2022 Remastered) is the 466th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. An update of the original Honest Trailer from 2012, it parodies the 2009 epic science fiction film Avatar, including several new references and jokes. It was published on October 4, 2022, to coincide with the film's theatrical re-release in anticipation of its sequel, Avatar: The Way of Water. It is 5 minutes and 31 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
Since they put a remastered version in theaters (an IndieWire article with the title "'Avatar' Is Back in Theaters: See the Trailer for James Cameron's New 4K Restoration" pops up) to build hype for Avatar 2: Slippery When Wet (shows the logo for Avatar: The Way of Water), settle in for a remastered Honest Trailer of the one we made back in 2012, because let's be honest: a lot has changed in the last ten years.
Dough Medlock: --meet her side blewbs.
Is that what I used to sound like?!
Avatar (2022 Remastered Edition)
Journey to Pandora, a world made of glow sticks, full of aliens who look like Ugly Sonic f*cked a cat; they are the Na'vi, a band of indigenous tribes who still manage to stay extremely online.
Grace: It's a global network, and the Na'vi can access it. They can upload and download data.
When humans learn there's a fortune buried under the Keebler Elf tree they call home, they'll do whatever it takes to capture all that sweet, sweet unobtanium inside.
Selfridge: Unobtanium.
What, you think unobtanium's a dumb name? Wait until you hear about real minerals! (pulls up the Wikipedia pages for fukalite, taconite, dickite, and cummingtonite) Hehe... sploooooooge.
You love Chris Evans as Captain America, but did you know he was this close to being Captain Jakesully (pronounced "Jakesooly")? (an Insider article with the title "Chris Evans Was This Close To Playing Sully in 'Avatar'" pops up)
Eytukan: (in the Na'vi language) Speak, Jakesully.
Instead of an actor capable of making more than one face, follow Sam Worthington as a Marine with an incurable condition... (shows Jake in a wheelchair) No, there's nothing wrong with using a wheelchair, but even in the future, they can't fix stupid.
Jake: (narrating) Me, I'm just another dumb grunt going someplace he's gonna regret.
Grace: Just relax and let your mind go blank. That shouldn't be hard for you.
Jake: (narrating) Neytiri calls me "skxawng". It means "moron".
When Jake gets behind the wheel of his custom Lincoln Na'vi-gator, he'll retrace the familiar plots of Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, and FernGully, but when he's in his own body, he'll retrace the familiar plot of a content creator suffering from burnout...
Jake: Is this right? I just... say whatever to the video log?
Jake: Do I have to do this now? Like... I really need to get some rack.
Grace: No, now. When it's fresh.
Jake: Excuse me. This is my video log here. / I don't know who I am anymore. (sighs)
...until this vlogger decides to fully back the blue and lead the Na'vi warriors to one of the most predictable L's in colonial history. (montage of Na'vi warriors attacking RDA forces with primitive weapons, only to get slaughtered in return) Dude gets bailed out by birds at the end; just an extremely dumb hero, even by "chosen one" standards.
Jake: Well, here I am... doing science.
Saving this white savior from himself is Neytiri, a Na'vi who's 10% more Jellicle than the others. (montage of Neytiri hissing) When their holy tree covers Jake with its special seed...
Neytiri: Seeds of the Sacred Tree.
...she'll stop trying to kill him and form an unlikely romance around their shared love of stabbing dogs (shows Jake and Neytiri fighting off dog-like creatures), as Zoe Saldaña rockets to fame with the first of her many billion-dollar movie appearances, proving that old adage that once you go blue, you'll never go Black. (shows Zoe Saldaña as Neytiri and Gamora)
Don't forget other supporting characters, like... Mr. Business...
Selfridge: I love this putter, Ronnie!
...Colonel Soldier (shows Col. Quaritch practicing martial arts in his AMP suit), and Doctor Samples.
Grace: So, we should take a sample. / If they see us taking our samples... / I would die to get samples. / I need to take some samples.
But you will forget about them, because this movie isn't about the characters; it's about the vibes, where you can throw on some 3D glasses and goof around in a neon jungle, or soar through the floating mountains with your hot princess girlfriend. James Cameron knows you're just here to get away from it all, like how he's just here to fund his crippling addiction to submarines; poor guy misses out on so much under the sea...
Scott Sweeney: Bill Paxton was on the deck of the Titanic when 9/11 happened.
Joe Rogan: Holy sh...!
Scott Sweeney: With Jim Cameron.
So marvel at a decade-old film that looks better than movies released six months ago, that still resonates because it taps into some of our deepest unconscious desires, like... Get Out-ing your way into a minority's body...
Female Tech: (playing basketball) Oh, come on, you ain't got no skills.
Jake: (after the tech misses a basket) Ooh! Ooh!
...finally getting a good night's sleep no matter how much construction noise is going on outside (shows Neytiri frantically shoving an unconscious Jake out of the way of an RDA deforesting machine), and having ponytail sex with anything that moves. (montage of Jake and Neytiri connecting their braids to various plants and animals) Ahh, take me back to Pandora, James; I'm ready.
Starring: Aqua Marine (Sam Worthington as Jake Sully); Jake's Sarcastic Little Laugh (montage of Jake chuckling); Leggylass (Zoe Saldaña as Neytiri); Ripley's Believe It or Na'v (Sigourney Weaver as Dr. Grace Augustine); You Can't Just Change Your Eyeliner and Expect Us to Excuse Your War Crimes. Oh You Can? Good to Know. (Michelle Rodriguez as Trudy Chacón); Adios Turd Nuggets (Joel David Moore as Dr. Norm Spellman); Duke Nukem 3D (Stephen Lang as Col. Miles Quaritch); A Cryptominer (Giovanni Ribisi as Parker Selfridge); and How to **** Your Dragon.
Jake: (taming a mountain banshee) Yeah, that's right. You're mine. Huh?
James and the Giant Preach
The honest title for Avatar (2022 Remastered) was ‘James and the Giant Preach’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Wait a second; where have I seen Michelle Rodriguez and Sigourney Weaver in a movie before? (shows Michelle Rodriguez as Frank Kitchen and Sigourney Weaver as Dr. Rachel Jane in The Assignment) Oh no...
Viewer's Comments[]
For Coolio, please say, "Slide, slide slippity slide/I'm hittin switches on the block in a 65" - Periclis Dragonballz
Please say "Moist Towelettes" in your epic voice! - David Shillaker
Say "Feed me, Seymour!" - Daime DiDomenico
Please say "The Steelers are going to the Super Bowl! WOOOOOO!!!" - Benjamin Abramowitz
Trivia[]
- The first comment in the viewer's comments pays tribute to Coolio, a rapper and actor best known for the song "Gangsta's Paradise", who passed away on September 28, 2022, at the age of 59.
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Post-Production Coordinator: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Assistant Editor: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne