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Blade Runner 2049 is the 345th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2017 science fiction film Blade Runner 2049. It was published on May 12, 2020, in anticipation of director Denis Villeneuve's upcoming adaptation of Dune. It is 5 minutes and 37 seconds long. It has been viewed over 900,000 times.

Script Edit

From the visionary director (Denis Villeneuve) behind that movie where Amy Adams talks to tentacles (Arrival)...

Louise Banks: You... Who are you?

...comes a critically acclaimed sequel that dares to ask provocative questions like "What is a soul?", "What is the nature of love?", and-- Hey! Where's everybody going?! Hello, we got Gosling here! You guys like Gosling, right?

Blade Runner 2049

For 40 years, audiences have been astonished by the prescience of 1982's Blade Runner, which may have predicted a future where the Soviet Union survived, flat-screens were never invented, and wars were fought by intelligent androids, but did predict a world where every sci-fi movie and TV show was a cerebral, ponderous mindf*ck about artificial intelligence that's so weighed down with importance, all the characters talk at half-speed.

Luv: Makes one feel... desired.

Lt. Joshi: So, what you saw... didn't happen.

Rick Deckard: "Many is the night I... dream of cheese..."

Sapper Morton: I do mind... unannounced visits. You police?

Return to the world of Blade Runner 30 years later, a grim dystopia where replicants are still hunted down by the LAPD, a reboot-friendly Great Blackout has wiped out any information that could potentially move the plot forward...

File Clerk: Pre-Blackout. Huh. That's gonna be tough.

...and meet K, a new kind of replicant that can't ever go rogue and turn on his masters...

K: --we don't run. Only older models do.

...until he totally goes rogue and turns on his masters.

Lt. Joshi: What the f*ck is with you?

Ryan Gosling disappears into a brilliant performance where he says very little...

Lt. Joshi: You have anything more to say?

K: ...

...barely emotes...

K: They'll be coming after me soon.

(Joi kisses K as he barely changes his expression)

Lt. Joshi: Do you remember anything? You have any memories from before?

Joi: You look lonely.

(K sits in the snow)

...and spends most of the film by himself just kind of wandering around. (montage of K wandering around big, empty spaces) Wait, has every Ryan Gosling character in the last decade been a replicant?! This explains so much!

Standard: What the f*ck are you going to do? You're gonna go beat them up for me? Huh, stunt guy? Huh?

Driver: ...

Original star Harrison Ford returns as Rick Deckard, the maybe-replicant blade runner who, like a true deadbeat dad, abandoned his child and ran away to live in Vegas. He'll take longer to show up in the movie than he would in a celebrity charity event, then give his most lively and energetic performance of the decade. So, he's at about a five, five-and-a-half. He'll face off against cruel technologist Jared Leto, who finally got a chance to show up in a sequel. Plus, he'll be reunited with his true love Rachael, and-- (Luv shoots the clone of Rachael in the head) Oh! Wow. Yikes. That is... Well, but there are lots of other women characters in the movie! It's not like they're all badasses or sex objects who get killed to move the story along! (Niander Wallace stabs a female replicant) Like Robin Wright as badass lieutenant Joshi; she'll-- (Luv stabs Lt. Joshi, killing her) Okay, well, there's Luv, the badass evil replicant who's determined to-- (Luv is drowned by K) Okay, there's Joi, an artificially intelligent hologram programmed to please men... and then dies.

Joi: I love yo-- (Luv steps on Joi's projector, destroying her)

All right, how about Mariette? She's... a prostitute.

Mariette: Oh, you don't even smile.

But she lives! She makes it through the movie... I think. You know, I had to go to the bathroom, like, twice, so I really don't know.

So finally clear out some time for this epic, beautifully-realized second chapter to one of the most influential sci-fi stories of all time, that delivered the original storytelling audiences demanded as an alternative to interchangeable blockbusters, then didn't show up to support it at all (a Wall Street Journal article with the title "After 35-Year Wait, 'Blade Runner' Sequel Falls Short of Expectations" pops up, detailing how not many people went to see the film despite positive reviews)...

Rick Deckard: Who'd you bring?

K: No one.

...because this movie isn't just about mindless robot fistfights; it's a high-minded meditation on the ethics and reasoning behind robot fistfights, okay? (montage of characters punching each other) Yeah, punch that robot! We'll figure out later if it has a soul.

Starring: Special K (Ryan Gosling as K); Living Alone? Solo. (Harrison Ford as Rick Deckard); E-Girls (Ana de Armas as Joi); 30 Seconds to Mars. No, Really, That's How Long it Takes in the Future (Jared Leto as Niander Wallace); Princess Buttercop (Robin Wright as Lt. Joshi); The Terminatrix (Sylvia Hoeks as Luv); Dave Bot-tista (Dave Bautista as Sapper Morton); and My Little Pony: Hardship is Tragic (K staring at a toy horse).

Bots Baby

2EC52B17-D432-4664-90CA-327E7DF32CDA

The honest title for Blade Runner 2049 was 'Bots Baby'. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.

You know, it's really too bad that this movie didn't do better; Villeneuve probably won't get another shot at reinventing another classic sci-fi property. (an Electric Lit article with the title "Denis Villeneuve Will Direct Dune" pops up) Huh. Well, it'll probably be smaller-scale, to gauge audience interest at first. (a Collider article with the title "Denis Villeneuve Explains Why 'Dune' Will Be Split into Two Movies" pops up) Are these guys laundering money for the cartel or something?!

Viewer's Comments Edit

In honour of Sam Lloyd aka Ted from Scrubs say "Peons Assemble" - btripin247

Say "I'm sorry, your answer has to be in the form of a question." - The Ghost Writer

Please say: "I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole, diggy diggy hole, I'm digging a hole." - Boi

Please say: "He's not a dude, you're a dude. This is a man" - Thaian Neves

Please say : I'm a spidey girl in the marvel world - Spidey girl

Trivia Edit

  • The first comment on the viewer's comments pays tribute to Sam Lloyd, the nephew of Christopher Lloyd known for portraying Ted Buckland on the TV series Scrubs, who passed away on April 30, 2020 at the age of 56 due to cancer.

Reception Edit

Production Credits Edit

Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy

Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford & Lon Harris

Produced by: Spencer Gilbert & Joe Starr

Edited by: Kevin Williamsen

Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand

Supervising Producer: Max Dionne

Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole

Executive Producer: Roth Cornet

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