Eternals is the 431st episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Logan Rees, Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2021 superhero film Eternals. It was published on January 25, 2022. It is 5 minutes and 50 seconds long. It has been viewed over 300,000 times.
Script[]
Marvel has taken you out to the edge of the universe, down to the scale of an atom, and across the boundaries of time. Now, prepare to visit a new setting, beyond the farthest reaches of a nerd's imagination: OUT... SIIIIIDE. I'm scared... Can we go back to a greenscreen, please? (shows a bluescreen shoot from Thor: Ragnarok) Ahh, that's better.
Eternals
Witness the MCU's grandest experiment yet, about mythic creatures who steer the course of human history, from the director of that quasi-documentary about a van lady who poops in a bucket (plays the aforementioned scene), as Chloé Zhao brings Jack Kirby's most psychedelic art to the screen in soothing grays and beiges, in this looong meditation on whether our heroes should let humanity die, or spit in the face of an uncaring god...? Hey, are we sure this isn't a DC movie?
Jack: --that's Superman.
Phastos: Uh...
Jack: Dad, that's Superman!
Remember when comic book films were about characters you've heard of? Neither do I. Now, after a TL;DR opening crawl, meet the Eternals, ten heroes as hot as they are sad; thrill at the revelation that they're actually robots designed by an alien god, to fight creatures who look like your unsorted cable drawer, who themselves were designed to eat the dinosaurs until things got out of hand. Y-You know what? Just forget it; it's dumb. Just meet the Eternals.
Kingo: Hi.
There's Thena, a warrior who freaks out when she remembers she's Angelina Jolie, and shouldn't be sharing screen time with these nobodies; Gilgamesh, who's never met a problem he couldn't fist (montage of Gilgamesh punching large creatures with his exoskeleton); Phastos, who does all his science by way of Naruto hand signs; Druig. He sucks.
Kingo: Druig sucks.
...Ajak, keeper of the sacred iPhone Gold Orb Edition that lets her call Daddy...
Arishem: Ajak.
...Makkari, who should've been called "Phastos", because holy crap, how are we supposed to keep all these characters straight?; Sprite, a pixie with the power of... being small, and having a knife... (shows Sprite attacking a Deviant with her knife)
Sprite: (after stabbing Sersi in the back with her knife) I'm sorry, Sersi...
...Kingo, a Bollywood star who makes you wonder if all the time Kumail spent getting jacked should've gone to dance lessons instead (shows Kingo's dance scene); Ikaris, who's like Superman if he had to be convinced that human life had any value... so, like, you know, Zack Snyder's Superman. (footage of both Superman and Ikaris screaming in grief); and Sersi, whose warm, dignified performance is impossible to focus on, because someone thought it wouldn't be distracting to pair a Sersi with two of the leads from Game of Thrones.
Ikaris: You are very beautiful, Sersi.
Dane: I love you, Sersi.
No, you love Daenerys! Or maybe Margaery Tyrell. I'm still hashing out my erotic fanfic.
Jon Snow: I don't want it. I never have.
Oh, yes you do. Now kiss!
Strap in for a movie that's all about tracking down characters you just met a few minutes ago.
Ikaris: We need to find the others. / We need to go. Find the others.
Ajak: We have to bring everyone back together.
And since no one thought to set up a group text, take a whirlwind tour of all their solo projects, whether they're just chilling on a Marvel-issued retirement farm, WandaVision-ing before it was cool...
Kingo: Druig sucks.
Karun: He does, sir.
...nuking Japan (?)...
Phastos: I did this...
...or they just got left back on the spaceship like a baby in a hot car. But once these neutral Avengers have reassembled, they'll discover their secret mission to literally f*ck the world, as they learn their true purpose was to fertilize Earth with enough man batter to hatch a Celestial. (Kingo spits out his drink) Sorry for phrasing it that way; I'm just unsatisfied after Marvel's first "sex scene", i.e., three dimly-lit pumps in the missionary position. Can you believe that's all we get?! Look what Kingo did for this film! And you don't even pop his shirt off?! You've got to reward that effort! "Eternals 2: The Search for Kingo's Dingo"! Let's make it happen!
So if your idea of fun is watching ten people debate the trolley problem for two-and-a-half hours, where the closest thing to a relatable character is an immortal movie star's human pet...
Kingo: --he's worked with me for 50 years.
...fly, don't walk, to your nearest couch for the film that puts the "universe" in "MCU", that, despite the reviews (shows the film's Rotten Tomatoes page, with a 48% critic score and 78% audience score), is far from the worst in the franchise.
Thor: Are you well, Erik?
Dr. Selvig: (chuckles while showing off his underwear)
Bruce: I can't get... too excited.
Betty: Not even a little excited?
Tony: "Tony, how do you go to the bathroom in the suit?" (uncomfortable pause) Just like that.
They just tried to do something a little different this time, but don't worry; Marvel will never make that mistake again. (a The Hollywood Reporter article with the title "'Spider-Man: No Way Home' Lands at No. 4 on All-Time Box Office List" pops up) Phew!
Starring: Sersi Roamin' (Gemma Chan as Sersi); Stark Kent (Richard Madden as Ikaris); This Wasn't in the Script, Angelina Jolie Genuinely Doesn't Know How a Toaster Works (Angelina Jolie as Thena); Salma Die-yek (Salma Hayek as Ajak); The Fling in the North (Kit Harington as Dane Whitman); The Big Dick (Kumail Nanjiani as Kingo); Silicon Valet (Harish Patel as Karun Patel); Sprite Ginger Zero Sugar (Lia McHugh as Sprite); Shaper Boi (Brian Tyree Henry as Phastos); Def Schlepper (Lauren Ridloff as Makkari); Druig Sucks (Barry Keoghan as Druig); Bury Me with My Golden Arm (Don Lee as Gilgamesh); Clifford the Big Red God (David Kaye as Arishem the Judge); Gotta Catch Em All: Ropeymon (the Deviants); Oh Right, You're in This Movie Too (Bill Skarsgård as Kro); Patton Pending (Patton Oswalt as Pip the Troll); and Harry Styles?!! EEEEEEE! (Harry Styles as Eros/Starfox) (faints)
Eternal Runtime of the Plotless Grind
The honest title for Eternals was ‘Eternal Runtime of the Plotless Grind’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Why is Sprite going to school? She's thousands of years old, not trying to meet kids her own age! What's she going to learn in seventh grade? Okay, maybe Spanish.
Sprite: Somos amigos... ...de la universidad. (We're friends... ...from university.)
Viewer's Comments[]
Please say: "Sorry about your hot dogs." - Kevin W
Pls say "My name is Oliver Queen and you have failed this comment section" - Diego Larrea
Please say "I'm old & I don't like this" - stabworthy headquarters
Please say "Mirabel didn't get a gift, SHE IS THE GIFT!" - MrWynella AyaFaust
Say "Charcuterie is just Lunchables trying to be fancy." - David Pumpkins Jr.
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Logan Rees, Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, & Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen & Randy Whitlock
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Post-Production Coordinator: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Assistant Editor: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne
