Fifty Shades Darker is the 198th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell and Andy Signore. It parodies the 2017 adaption of the erotic romance novel Fifty Shades Darker. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. Like the Honest Trailer for its predecessor, this video takes the format of a musical episode and features Jessica Jablonski performing a parody of the Beyonce song "Crazy in Love." It was published on May 9, 2017, to coincide with the film's release on home video and Blu-ray. It is 5 minutes 10 seconds long. It has been viewed over 3.8 million times.
"Witness sex scenes that throb with the imagination of a Bible study group, featuring two scenes of missionary with his pants on, one scene of doggy style with his pants on, an unrated bonus scene of doggy style with his pants on, a shower scene with his pants on, and a finale where they really push the envelope by doing missionary with his pants off." ~ Honest Trailers - Fifty Shades Darker
From FanFiction.net user Snowqueen's Icedragon (E. L. James) and the screenwriter who married FanFiction.net user Snowqueen's Icedragon (Niall Leonard) comes another horrifying reminder that your aunt probably gets off to this:
Fifty Shades Darker
You marveled at the first movie's total lack of sex appeal. Now, the steamiest story you can buy at a Target is back, and it's cranking the naughty down from room temp to ice cold in this two-hour movie that only has about ten minutes of actual sex in it, where they scale back the bondage and amp up the normal, boring couple stuff.
Anastasia Steele: You want a vanilla relationship?
Nooo! That is not why I wore an overcoat to the theater! Epic Voice Guy doesn't want vanilla; he wants some rocky road!
Future murder victim Anastasia Steele returns; and she's suddenly into all the kinky stuff she used to hate, for some reason (Christian Grey: Last time we did this, you left./Anastasia Steele: Last time was different.). Watch as she spends an entire movie attempting in vain to show human emotion; being stalked by almost half a dozen different people, including a ghost...?...and expressing her only personality trait: a general lack of knowledge about what should and shouldn't be put in her butt.
Anastasia Steele: What are butt plugs?...You're not putting those in my butt.
Christian Grey: (chuckles) They don't go in your butt.
Look, if you're gonna date a guy with a sex dungeon, you really need to get your butt stuff figured out.
If you thought Christian Grey was a creep before, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Watch as this walking red flag stalks his ex-girlfriend into submission (Christian Grey: Have dinner with me./Anastasia Steele: Okay, fine, I will have dinner with you.), steals her financial information, buys the company she works for, takes her to meet the older woman who scarred him for life (Elena Lincoln), and basically admits that he spanks her because he wants to beat up his dead mom.
Christian Grey: I get off on punishing women, women who look like you-
Anastasia Steele: ...like your mother.
Seriously, who actually thinks this movie is sexy?!
Anastasia Steele: It's all wrong. All of this is wrong.
That's exactly what I've been saying!
But who cares about the plot or characters? You're here for the sex, and there's definitely some of that in this. Witness sex scenes that throb with the imagination of a Bible study group, featuring two scenes of missionary with his pants on, one scene of doggy style with his pants on, an unrated bonus scene of doggy style with his pants on, a shower scene with his pants on, and a finale where they really push the envelope by doing missionary with his pants oooooooff. The only thing less sexy than these sex scenes is how much these two seem like they actually hate each other in real life. (shows Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson in an interview with uncomfortable looks on their faces) Echhhhhh! That's the look of two people regretting a paycheck.
Starring These Actual Quotes from the Fifty Shades Darker Book That Didn't Make It Into the Movie: "My inner goddess is doing a triple axle dismount off the uneven bars.", "He has a hotline to my groin.", "I have become my own island state, a ravaged, war-torn land where nothing grows and the horizons are bleak."...
Jessica Jablonski (sung to the tune of "Crazy in Love"): This movie's written so lazy right now;/The book that it was based on's so lazy right now.
..."Sweet Jesus, you're wearing stockings.", "I have a Christian Grey mix tape in the guise of a high-end iPad.", "'I do hope you're not overly fond of these panties.' He tears through them with his adept fingers, and they disintegrate in his hands."...
Jessica Jablonski (sung to the tune of "Crazy in Love"): I wish somebody would tase me right now;/This story's 'bout as sexy as rabies right now.
...""In her pink, frothy baby-doll dress and killer heels, she towers over me like a Christmas tree fairy.", "My mouth drops open. 'Kinky f*ckery?,' I squeak. 'Kinky f*ckery.' I can't believe you said that. I like your kinky f*ckery.'" At least no one was dumb enough to let that phrase in the movie.
Anastasia Steele: I was being romantic, and then you just go and distract me with your kinky f*ckery.
Aw, come on!
Jessica Jablonski (sung to the tune of "Crazy in Love"): Oh, I'll just go and watch a porno.
Fifty Fifty Chance I Don't Make It Through The Next One
You know what the most messed-up thing about Christian Grey is? The framed Chronicles of Riddick poster in his bedroom. Run, Anastasia, run!
- Screen Junkies have also created Honest Trailers for the other films in the Fifty Shades series: Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Freed.
- An Honest Trailer Commentary for this episode was recorded and was available on the Screen Junkies Plus until the website/app was discontinued. Screen Junkies don't currently have any way of releasing the video.
Honest Trailers - Fifty Shades Darker has a 97.7% approval rating from YouTube viewers. MovieFone wrote "it doesn't matter if you loved, hated, never watched, never cared about, or never even heard of Fifty Shades Darker: You will laugh out loud at least once at Screen Junkies' Honest Trailer for it." Slate applauded the Honest Trailer for finding humor in the film, writing "the good people over at Screen Junkies, at least, recognize the film’s inherent comedic value." In the same article, Slate also noted "there’s so much fodder for mockery in these movies that this Honest Trailer doesn’t even get to some of Fifty Shades Darker’s best scenes." In a similar vein, EW noted Fifty Shades Darker was Screen Junkies "easiest target yet." CinemaBlend wrote "one thing this video hits on the head is ... there hasn't actually been any nudity on the male side." Looper found the Honest Trailer notable for highlighting the film's awkward sex scenes and the stars' lack of chemistry. Insider also praised the Honest Trailer for pointing out how boring the film is.
Production credits Edit
Voiceover Narration by Jon Bailey
Title design by Robert Holtby
Original music by Sean Motley
Vocals by Jessica Jablonski
Executive Producer - Andy Signore
Edited by Kevin Williamsen and TJ Nordaker
- ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ Honest Trailer: A Horrifying Reminder That Your Aunt Loves This Stuff - SlashFilm article
- This Very Honest Trailer Mocks Fifty Shades Darker, The Steamiest Story You Can Buy At A Target - CinemaBlend article
- The Honest Trailer for Fifty Shades Darker Is Here to Remind You That the Book Is Even More Ridiculous - Slate article
- Fifty Shades Darker gets mocked hard in latest Honest Trailer - EW article
- Fifty Shades Darker gets an Honest Trailer - Looper article
- The Honest Trailer for 'Fifty Shades Darker' proves love interest Christian Grey is a total creep - Insider article
- Strap In for the Hilariously Unsexy 'Fifty Shades Darker' Honest Trailer - MovieFone article