Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 is the 504th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2023 superhero film Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3. It was published on July 18, 2023. It is 5 minutes and 42 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
In 2018, James Gunn got fired when his original concept for Groot was revealed. (a Tweet from James Gunn dated September 19, 2011 pops up, reading "I'm doing a big Hollywood film adaptation of The Giving Tree with a happy ending - the tree grows back and gives the kid a *******.") Now, Marvel's come crawling back for one last job, and Gunn has delivered a masterpiece... at least, compared to their other crap. (shows Toothgnasher and Toothgrinder screaming, Kingo dancing, and Scott Lang being force-fed red ooze)
Peter: I'm gonna need to take some time...
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3
The Guardians are back, and since you probably missed the Christmas special, here's a quick recap: Quill and Mantis are siblings...
Nebula: He's your brother.
Mantis: It doesn't matter, he still doesn't listen to me.
...Groot is starting to branch out (shows Groot aiming multiple guns using his branches), Drax is still Drax...
Peter: Kill no people.
Drax: Kill one guy, one stupid guy who no one loves.
...newcomer Adam Warlock is... also Drax...
Ayesha: I said show him we mean business!
Adam: What more business could we have shown him?
...Gamora's from an alternate timeline where she ran out of shampoo, Nebula is conducting an onscreen chemistry experiment...
Nebula: (after seeing Peter staring at her) Knock it off!
Peter: What?
...and Rocket Raccoon is a valuable piece of IP that Space Disney will kill to get back. (in a Mickey Mouse impression) "There's no escape, little guy! We own you forever! Haha!"
Speaking of Disney, cower in fear from OrgoCorp, a different child-imprisoning corporation...
Star Child: Joob joob?
...and meet their CEO, the High Evolutionary; he set out to play God...
High Evolutionary: THERE IS NO GOD! THAT'S WHY I STEPPED IN!
...but will settle for playing Pokémon. (shows the High Evolutionary hyper-evolving a turtle as the "evolution" music from Pokémon Red and Blue plays and a text box pops up reading "What? Turtle is evolving!") Yes, he's another evil purple guy (shows the High Evolutionary alongside Agatha Harkness, Kang the Conqueror, Kilgrave, and Thanos), but in a Marvel first, he'll teach us that science should only be used to keep the status quo.
Rocket: You didn't wanna make things perfect. You just hated things the way they are.
Though, when you think about it, that's the lesson Tony Stark taught us, too. And Emil Blonsky. And Aldrich Killian. And Maya Hansen. And Darren Cross. And Phastos. And Riri Williams. And Cassie Lang. And--
Prepare for a Rocket Raccoon origin story, full of laughs...
Lylla: It's good to have friends.
...tears...
Baby Rocket: (groaning) It hurts.
...thrills (shows Rocket cackling as he shoots a gun in midair), tears (shows Mantis crying as Rocket begins to die), tears...
Rocket: They wanna kill us all in the morning.
Teefs: What?
...tears (shows Rocket screaming in anguish after Lylla's death), tears (shows Peter screaming after Rocket's heart stops), and tears...
Nebula: Rocket?
Peter: Yeah, [...] he's okay.
Nebula: (cries)
...in this feature-length Sarah McLachlan commercial, for a story that gives wholehearted support for animal rights... as long as they're cute. (shows Peter removing War Pig's cybernetic head, and an OrgoCorp employee eating a fried lizard)
Phyla: Do you ever feel a little sad for them?
Rocket: Yeah, sure.
(shows the new Guardians team rushing to fight a group of approaching rabbit creatures)
So prepare for the MCU movie that you were convinced would kill off your faves (shows Rocket flatlining, Drax getting blasted through the chest, and Peter freezing in the vacuum of space), didn't do that at all...
Peter: (while being licked by Cosmo) I'm okay.
...and still managed to be a total downer...
Mantis: What's even the point of being born?
...because quip all you want, but on a long enough timeline, everyone goes past their prime...
Peter: (drunkenly) --you keep your grimy raccoon hands off my Zune. (collapses)
...music gets progressively worse...
Phyla: Britney Spears and... Korn.
Rocket: Good choices.
(buzzer)
...and even if you make it through all your battles, everyone you know, someday, will die.
Mantis: (to a forlorn Drax) Forget.
...What was I talking about? Oh yeah! Look at all the gooooooo. (montage of characters interacting with gooey substances as Epic Voice Guy chants "Goo!" 25 times)
Starring: It's a Me, Star-Lord! (Chris Pratt as Peter Quill/Star-Lord); Sadly Cooper (Bradley Cooper as Rocket Raccoon); Gamora the Explora (Zoe Saldaña as Gamora); Big Blue Beetleborg (Karen Gillen as Nebula); Lady Bug (Pom Klementieff as Mantis); Parenting for Dummies (Dave Bautista as Drax the Destroyer); Palm Toretto (Vin Diesel as Groot); He's a Decent Villain, Moreau Less (Chukwudi Iwuji as The High Evolutionary); Eyebrows Kid? No, Eyebrows Man (Will Poulter as Adam Warlock); PAW Patrol (Slate and Maria Bakalova as Cosmo the Spacedog); Whistlin' Dick, See? (Sean Gunn as Kraglin)...
Kraglin: You're a bad dog.
Cosmo: (reacts)
...Hawkeye's Wife? Is That You? (Linda Cardellini as Lylla); Judy Greer, No Seriously, Look It Up (Judy Greer as War Pig); and Remember ALF? He's Back, in Note Form. (shows Peter's card to Rocket, with a picture of ALF on it)
Close Encounters for a Third Time
The honest title for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 was ‘Close Encounters for a Third Time’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Okay, how does Groot's language work, exactly? Do characters just suddenly understand him once they become... (coughs) a family?
Groot: I love you, guys.
Regardless, he definitely says "j*rk him off" right here.
Rocket: Mantis, why don't you just touch him and, you know, make him happy?
Groot: I am Groot?
Nebula: Dude!
Mantis: Gross!
Rocket: No, not like that.
Viewer's Comments[]
Please say "I'm only here to parody trailers and read comments... and I'm all out of trailer" - mathewwinsett5111
Please say "I am become Barbie girl, the destroyer of Barbie worlds" - LuisMedina1
Please say "Don't tell Scotty, Scotty doesn't know" - davidfear6098
Please say "Someday, we're gonna go flying together, into the forever and beautiful sky." - benabramowitz18
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Manager: Emin Bassavand
Content Manager: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Post-Production Specialist: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne
