Hawkeye is the 430th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Logan Rees, Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the superhero television miniseries Hawkeye. It was published on January 18, 2022. It is 6 minutes and 1 second long. It has been viewed over 200,000 times.
Script[]
In a multiverse full of infinite possibilities, even the lamest ideas must exist, which is why, in a long enough timeline, Disney had to make something like, oh, I don't know... a Hawkeye series.
Clint: Ohh, sh*t.
Hawkeye: The Series
You've seen Clint Barton lose his mind to Loki's staff, lose his family to the Blip, and lose his best friend to the ground. Now, get ready for a new adventure, about the time he lost his hearing...
Clint: (in horribly inaccurate sign language) "More cookie, please. Thank you."
...lost some very important dry cleaning...
News Anchor: (as footage of Kate in the Ronin costume plays) Witnesses captured cell phone footage of a masked assailant fleeing the scene.
...and lost all of his patience. (montage of Clint lowering his head in shame/annoyance) Can you believe the Avengers have never lost a fight when Hawkeye is with them? He's like the Hulk's lucky purple underwear.
Clint: You can't just put them on any shaft, you know?
Remember Hawkeye? He's old now, and the most "over it" Avenger has literally heard enough of your sh*t. (montage of Clint turning off his hearing aid) And now that Jeremy Renner would rather be rockin' than nockin' (plays a clip from the music video of the song "Main Attraction"), he's passing the bow to Kate Bishop; she's a milestone of representation, as the MCU's first hero who thinks Hawkeye is cool.
Kate: (hands Clint her bow) Can you sign this? You're kind of my favorite Avenger.
This heir to the name is a clueless rich girl who's really into archery and branding...
Kate: Your problem is branding. / It's a very hard brand to sell. / I've been thinking about your branding issue. You need a more recognizable costume. / It's the branding issue, I'm telling you.
...but don't worry; kind of sucking is one of Hawkeye's main qualifications. K should easily slide into the role going forward. (montage of Kate sliding in combat) Does she... wax her pants? That definitely sounds like something rich girls would do. You do know she went to the same high school as Gwyneth Paltrow, right? (zooms in on Kate's diploma from The Spence School)
Watch Clint and Kate work together to find who killed her father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roomate. (clips from the show transition to Spaceballs) Oh, sorry; I mean her mother's fiancée's estranged uncle who loves drama. And helping them crack this super-important case are the Avengers. <BUZZ!> Hahaha! Just kidding; they would never. Helping them are C-Teamers like Sober Jack Sparrow (shows Jack Duquesne using his sword to attack members of the Tracksuit Mafia); Kate's wealthy parents, who you just know are criminals. Call it the "Arrow principle".; some LARPers the heroes look down on, which is rich considering Hawkeye LARPs as an Avenger; Lucky the Pizza Dog, who's cute, but let's face it, he's no Air Bud. You going to eat that pizza all day, or are you going to start hitting some three-pointers?; Yelena, who keeps up her streak of making the audience wonder, "Why isn't this about Yelena instead?"; and Linda Cardellini as the chillest wife on the planet, who we'll assume is cool with Clint spending Christmas Eve drinking with a hot, rich 22-year-old who idolizes him and looks like a young version of her. Dude, she's ex-S.H.I.E.L.D.; she's going to find those texts, and they, uh... do not look good.
Prepare for the most suit-obsessed TV show since Suits (montage of characters saying the word "suit"), where Clint must atone for the time he butchered half the criminal underworld, and also his haircut. Hunting him down is Echo, a mob lieutenant whose hearing loss gives her a superhuman tolerance for the word "bro". (montage of Tracksuit Mafia members ending sentences with the word "bro") And in a reveal they teased for five weeks straight, Vincent D'Onofrio returns as the Kingpin, who appears to have spent his time off-camera becoming a Hawaiian pimp; he'll step out of the multiverse, only to get worked by just about every main character, in the MCU's answer to Darth Maul getting sliced in Round 1 of the Lightsaber Playoffs. I'm not saying the return of the Netflix characters has been a dud so far (plays a clip showing Maya presumably shooting Kingpin), but Danny Rand just changed his Facebook invite from "Going" to "Maybe".
So tune in for this family-friendly Shane Black riff, where the weapons aren't lethal, the guys aren't nice, and in true Marvel fashion, there's no kiss-kiss or bang-bang. But it still gives us some passable action (plays a clip of the car chase from the third episode), decent quips...
Kate: (passing by Avengers cosplayers) Hey, look, that one's you.
Clint: No, it's Katniss Everdeen.
...and a fun new hero...
Kate: (after crashing through the roof of the Tracksuit Mafia's base) Oh wow, didn't, uh... Didn't realize we were supposed to bring guns.
...even though you could've had twice the fun by reading the comics it's based on, or reading about the Jeremy Renner app (a Deadspin article with the title "I Broke The Official Jeremy Renner App By Posting The Word 'Porno' On It" pops up), or reading about the other Marvel musical we wish we could see. (shows a poster for Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark)
Turn Off the Dark Announcer: Now in previews at the Foxwoods Theater, the event that will redefine the Broadway spectacular.
I'm going to tell my kids that this was No Way Home.
Starring: Sterling Archer (Jeremy Renner as Clint Barton/Hawkeye I); Assistant TO the Regional Hawkeye (Hailee Steinfeld as Kate Bishop/Hawkeye II); It Was a One-Eyed Street-Raised Golden Puppy Pizza Eater (Jolt as Lucky the Pizza Dog); Mom, You Have Failed This City (Vera Farmiga as Eleanor Bishop); Captain Stabbin (Tony Dalton as Jacques "Jack" Duquesne); Florence the Pugh, Florence the Pugh, Russian Little Sister Loves Mac-a-ro-ni (Florence Pugh as Yelena Belova/Black Widow); Silent But Deadly (Alaqua Cox as Maya Lopez/Echo); Kazi the Clown (Fra Fee as Kazimierz "Kazi" Kazimierczak); A Twitch Influencer (Vincent D'Onofrio as Wilson Fisk/The Kingpin); Still a Cop! (Adetinpo Thomas as Officer Wendy Conrad); I Thought You Loved All Animals, Mister Ventura (Simon Callow as Armand Duquesne III); and What a Week Straight of Getting Beat in the Face Looks Like? (shows Clint and Kate with not many facial injuries) Are we sure they don't have healing powers?
Ronin with the Homies
The honest title for Hawkeye was ‘Ronin with the Homies’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Pshh, "World's Greatest Archers"... Can you even salmon ladder, bro? (plays a clip of Oliver Queen using a salmon ladder) Queen takes Bishop. Checkmate.
Viewer's Comments[]
For Sidney Poitier, please say "They call me Mr. Tibbs!" - Periclis Dragonballz
Please say "I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV." - Wesley Oldham
Please say: "There is no spoon. There is a sfork." - Emmanuel Alejandro
Please say in your EPIC voice: "Let's - get - dangerous!" - Bettina W.
Say, "You like craby patties. Don't you Squidward?" - Jeffrey Oncore
Trivia[]
- The first comment in the viewer's comments pays tribute to Sidney Poitier, an actor best known for playing Det. Virgil Tibbs in In the Heat of the Night and Dr. John Wade Prentice in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, as well as being the first Black person to win the Academy Award for Best Actor, who passed away on January 6, 2022, at the age of 94.
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Logan Rees, Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, & Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen & Randy Whitlock
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Post-Production Coordinator: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Assistant Editor: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne
