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Indiana Jones Trilogy is the 353rd episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer GilbertJoe StarrDanielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the first three films of the Indiana Jones franchise: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989). It was published on July 7, 2020, as part of Blockbuster Summer, a special run of episodes in which Screen Junkies turned their attention to blockbusters both old and new. It is 6 minutes and 29 seconds long. It has been viewed over 1.2 million times.

Script Edit

This summer, we're getting honest about summer blockbusters past and present. This is Honest Trailers: Blockbuster Summer.

From two dudes who built your childhood (Steven Spielberg and George Lucas) by riffing on the stuff that built their childhood (East of Borneo, Danger Island, and Flash Gordon), these visionaries at the height of their powers will collaborate to achieve the impossible: make a guy look cool in a fedora. Milady.

The Indiana Jones Trilogy

Prepare for three near-perfect adventure movies: Raiders of the Lost Ark, a film that's perfect in every way... except when it implies the hero slept with a child...

Marion: I was a child! I was in love! It was wrong, and you knew it!

...Temple of Doom, a film that's perfect in every way... except for all the racism...

(shots of Indian nobles slovenly eating bugs)

Short Round: Okey-dokey, Dr. Jones! Hold onto your potatoes!

...and The Last Crusade, a film that's perfect in every way as the ending to this hero's journey, except for the fact that, ugh... it wasn't. (Indy rolls out of a refrigerator) Aaand... it still isn't. (a Digital Spy article with the title "Indiana Jones 5 is actually happening and Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg are on board" pops up) Let the man rest! He was already too old for this sh*t in Raiders!

Indy: It's not the years, honey... It's the mileage.

He can't even get it up for an interview these days!

Harrison Ford: "Who shot first, Greedo or Han?"

Mario Lopez: Han, right?

Harrison Ford: I... don't care.

Harrison Ford stars as Dr. Indiana Jones. He's not just a terrible professor (Indy sneaks out of college to avoid a crowd of students); he's also a terrible archaeologist...

Henry Jones, Sr.: And the tomb of Sir Richard? You saw him?

Indy: Well, what was left of him.

(Indy knocks over Sir Richard's coffin to escape the flaming gasoline)

...who discovers temples that would completely change the way we think about ancient cultures, then robs their ass blind and turns them into rubble (montage of Indy wrecking ancient temples). He's a crop top and booty shorts away from being in Tomb Raider. (a shot of Indy's head photoshopped onto Lara Croft's body)

But Indy's not alone. Along for the ride is his high school crush Marion -- as in, she was in high school while he was pushing 30 (shows a story conference transcript where George Lucas said Marion dated Indy when she was 15 and he was 25) -- an alcoholic who's just as tough and smart as Indiana-- aaand she's captured.

Marion: (while being carried away in a basket) Over here, Indy!

Aaand she's captured again. (shot of Marion bound and gagged) And, oh! Guess what? That's right: captured. (shot of Marion being taken by the Nazis); the not-so-lovely Willie Scott...

Indy: That's more food than these people eat in a week.

Willie: I'm not hungry.

...who screamed her way through the entire sequel (montage of Willie screaming her lungs out), and into the director's... heart? (shows a photograph of Steven Spielberg and his wife, Willie's actress Kate Capshaw)

"Steven Spielberg": We have so much in common; she hates bugs, and I find that entertaining.

...and Sean Connery in a dual role as both Indiana's father and his cave brother.

Henry Jones, Sr.: She talks in her sleep.

Come on, guys; "Sean Connery had sex" is not a twist.

Enter a mystical world where Judaism is real, an offensive version of Hinduism is real, and Christianity is real (Elsa screams as Walter Donovan rapidly ages), but the hero is an atheist?

Indy: I don't believe in magic, a lot of superstitious hocus-pocus.

Meh, ignoring the supernatural is kind of Harrison Ford's thing.

Han Solo: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

And trot the globe on these non-stop thrill rides, determined to give you every possible combo of action: man vs. man, car vs. car, cart vs. cart, bike vs. bike, boat vs. boat, horse vs. truck, horse vs. train, horse vs. tank, plane vs. plane, plane vs. car, plane vs. bird, man vs. larger man, man vs. bridge, man vs. ball, man vs. date, kid vs. kid, ghost vs. man, man vs. cup, and man vs.-- eww (a Thuggee is caught in the rock crusher, leaving a bloodstain), in scene after scene of masterfully directed setpieces with real characters, stakes, and clarity of movement, that today's filmmakers took one look at and went, "Nah, too hard; let's just fill the screen with a bunch of CGI puke! It'll be dope!" Including Lucas... <sigh> and Spielberg.

So enjoy a franchise that's the American answer to James Bond, where instead of being suave, cool, and efficient, he keeps getting his cover blown...

(Nazis surround Indy and his father)

Butler: --if you are a Scottish lord, then I am Mickey Mouse!

...getting robbed...

Belloq: This time, it will cost you. / What was briefly yours is now mine!

Lao Che: You give me the diamond.

Panama Hat: This is the second time I've had to reclaim my property from you!

...gets caught bluffing all the time...

Indy: (holding a rocket launcher) I'm gonna blow up the Ark, René!

Belloq: Do as you will.

(Indy lowers his weapon)

...doesn't have any real impact on what happens in his own movie (the Nazis are struck down by the power of the Ark), and makes it pretty clear that you either die a hero or live long enough to be the bad guy in a Black Panther movie.

Killmonger: How do you think your ancestors got these?

Indy: That belongs in a museum!

Starring: Antifa Jones (Harrison Ford as Dr. Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones, Jr.) (Indy shoots three Nazis at once); Out-of-Control Karen Caught on Video! (Karen Allen as Marion Ravenwood); Salaaaah (John Rhys-Davies as Sallah); The Old Young Indiana Jones Chronicles (River Phoenix as Young Indiana Jones); I Don't Know Why, Belloq Swallowed That Fly (Paul Freeman as Dr. René Belloq, unknowingly letting a fly crawl in his mouth); Big Willie Style (Kate Capshaw as Wilhelmina "Willie" Scott); Screw Mutt, This is Indy's Son (Jonathan Ke Quan as Short Round); Finish Him! Fatality (Amrish Puri as Mola Ram); Just Let it Go Elsa! (Alison Doody as Dr. Elsa Schneider); Dan Akroyd (sic)? (Dan Aykroyd as Earl Webber)...

Webber: Madam, it's the best I could do on such short notice!

...Creeeepy Crawlers (various live creatures); Miracle Whip (montage of Indy doing stunts with his whip); Hitting Nazis, Good! Hitting Women and Children, Bad! Hitting Sean Connery? (in a Scottish accent) An Openhanded Slap is Justified (characters hitting the ones described); and Harrison Ford in Real Life.

Henry Jones, Sr.: I didn't know you could fly a plane!

Indy: Fly, yes! Land, no!

(multiple articles pop up detailing Harrison Ford surviving multiple plane crashes)

Adventure Time

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The honest title for Indiana Jones Trilogy was ‘Adventure Time’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.

(Indy prepares to use the Staff of Ra in the map room to find the Well of Souls) Actors are always shorter than you think, but they said that staff is exactly five feet tall. Aww, cute little guy!

Viewer's Comments Edit

In memory of Carl Reiner, please say, "If I had yelled 'Cut!' on time, those actors would be alive today." - Matthew Tuthill

Please say: "nobody is perfect, I'm nobody, so I'm perfect" - Alexandra J.

Please say: "Marty... Whatever happens, don't ever go to 2020" - Enrique Vergara

Trivia Edit

  • Screen Junkies also did an Honest Trailer for Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
  • The first comment on the viewer's comments pays tribute to comedian Carl Reiner, father of Rob Reiner and creator of The Dick Van Dyke Show, who passed away on June 29, 2020 at the age of 98.

Reception Edit

Production Credits Edit

Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy

Written by: Spencer GilbertJoe StarrDanielle Radford & Lon Harris

Produced by: Spencer Gilbert & Joe Starr

Edited by: Kevin Williamsen

Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand

Supervising Producer: Max Dionne

Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole

Executive Producer: Roth Cornet

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