Jingle All The Way is the 323rd episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 1996 film Jingle All The Way. It was published on November 26 2019, to coincide with the holiday season. It is 3 minutes and 45 seconds long. It has been viewed over 8-hundred-and-fifty thousand times.
It’s A Wonderful Life proved that everyone has value, Home Alone showed us why we shouldn’t take family for granted. But one holiday film will teach us... Christmas will turn everyone into an a**hole [shows people attacking in a store].
Jingle All The Way
Are you ready for a Schwarzenegger comedy? Don’t worry, it has just as much violence as his other stuff. He’ll play Howard Langston, you’re ordinary Austrian bodybuilder mattress kingpin? [shows the times Howard said “You’re my number 1 customer”] When his neglected son wants a special toy for Christmas, Howard will place a one-man trail of destruction to buy his kid’s love by any means necessary. Whether that means lying to his wife’s face, grabbing a child by the face, or punching an animal in the face. [Howard: ”You started it.”] It’s some music change and some blood packs away from being a hard R slaughter fest! [shows action scenes with add-on blood effects]
Watch a mad dash to find a limited release toy, in a world without smartphones or eBay, in a world where you have to interact with... (shiver) other people. Like, the only global star in Arnie’s level in ‘96, Sinbad. He’ll play the rival-some sociopath Myron. And alcoholic mailman who with so many assaults, kidnapping and felonies by the end of this thing, you’ll just know it’ll be his last Christmas as a free man. [shows Jamie giving Myron his Turbo Man action figure, as a Christmas gift] Sorry, kid. That’s going to the evidence locker. Maybe one of the cops has a son who hates them too.
Are there any redeeming characters in this movie? No. His wife is a nagging cliche [shows clips of Liz nagging], the neighbor Phil Hartman bless his soul is plowing his way through every mom in the neighborhood, and Santa? Santa's a lie. Just a bunch of ex-cons running bootleg toys out of a warehouse you even want to punch Chris Parnell in the face, and you like Chris Parnell.
So enjoy a Christmas film that has so little love for the holiday, it comes after the credits. That only hope has a satire of commercialism because it spends 80 minutes of showing you the dark malevolent forces of capitalism turning us into beasts in exactly one minute reminding us that family was the true gift all along. Huh, maybe they expand on this in the sequel. [shows the poster of JIngle All The Way 2, with Larry The Cable Guy] Kill it! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!
Starring: The Goggles, They Do Nothing (Arnold Schwarzenegger as Howard Langston); Sin-Bad In This Movie (Sinbad as Myron Larabee); Hi, I'm Phil Hartman. You May Remember Me From Such Films As "Sgt. Bilko", "Loaded Weapon 1" and "Amazon Women on The Moon" (Phil Hartman as Ted Maltin); The Fandom Menace (Jake Lloyd as Jamie Langston); Ok, Booster (Curtis Armstrong as Chainsmoking Booster); Howard?!??! (Rita Wilson as Liz Langston) [shows clips of Liz saying Howard's name]; Even Worse Santa (Jim Belushi as Mall Santa); and Modern Fandom (shows kids kicking Booster).
Last Action Figure
[shows Howard flying in a Turbo Man suit] I am so glad they didn’t make Iron Man in the 90’s.
Production credits Edit
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, & Max Dionne
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Supervisor: Kevin Williamsen
Production Coordinator: Ryan O'Toole