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Jupiter Ascending is the 102nd episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Dan Murrell, Erica Russell, Andy Signore and Roger Barr. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2015 science-fiction film Jupiter Ascending. It was published on May 19, 2015, to coincide with the film's release on home video and Blu-ray. It is 5 minutes 29 seconds long. It has been viewed over 7.2 million times.

Watch Honest Trailers - Jupiter Ascending on YouTube

"Look out, Scientology; there's a new ridiculous space opera in town, and it makes even less sense than Battlefield Earth. so full of terrible performances, stupid dialogue, and ridiculous characters that it's actually kind of hilarious." ~ Honest Trailers - Jupiter Ascending

ScriptEdit

From the directors of The Matrix, and nothing else worth mentioning (shows clips from Cloud Atlas and Speed Racer), comes the last time anyone will give the Wachowskis money: Jupiter Ascending.

Look out, Scientology; there's a new ridiculous space opera in town, and it makes even less sense than Battlefield Earth, so full of terrible performances (Balem: You begged me to do it!), stupid dialogue (Kalique: My mother wrote her future self into her will.), and ridiculous characters that it's actually kind of hilarious. (Balem: I CREATE LIFE...and I destroy it.)

Audiences claim they're hungry for original films that aren't sequels, adaptations, or remakes...just not like this, as the Wachowskis roll out their signature blend of CGI bullsh**, lazy philosophy (Jupiter: How could I be a reincarnation of your mother unless your mother was from Earth?), and a story about the human race being harvested as a life force for a more advanced civilization. (shows a clip from The Matrix) Yep, that again.

If you've been waiting for a female sci-fi lead character on par with Ripley or Sarah Connor, get ready to keep waiting, as Mila Kunis spends the entire movie getting saved, cleaning toilets, getting saved again, desperately trying to bone her savior, getting saved again, playing dress-up, cleaning more toilets, and looking bored.

Diomika: If there's anything we can do to make the journey easier, you let us know.

Jupiter: Actually, you know what? I'm feeling a little overdressed, so if you maybe have something I could change into.

You just found out aliens exist. Wake up!

But she's not alone. Ride passably along with Academy Award winner Eddie Redmayne, who makes a strong case for the Academy to retroactively take back his Academy Award (Balem: I will harvest that planet tomorrow before I let her take it from me.); and Channing Tatum, the hottest guy in the world, who does his best to hide under a bunch of eyeliner, a ginger chinstrap, and space roller skates. (Caine: They use the force of gravity, redirecting it into a differential equation slope so you can surf./Jupiter: Yeah.) So settle in for a plot so ridiculous, we're just gonna tell you what happens. This is actually the story:

Meet Jupiter, the child of an astronomer who's murdered while trying to defend his household telescope. Jupiter's world will change when, on the way to donate her eggs for money to buy a telescope of her own, intergalactic bounty hunters attack her on behalf of the Abrasax siblings (text appears reading "This is the actual plot of the movie"), an ancient family of business moguls who killed the dinosaurs. They see planets with human beings, then kill and harvest them to create RegeneX, a serum of eternal life. Jupiter, it turns out, is an exact genetic copy of the Abrasaxes' dead mother Seraphi (text again appears reading "This is the actual plot of the movie"), which makes her the rightful owner of the entire planet Earth and a pawn in the Abrasax sibling rivalry. The first person to reach Jupiter, however, is Caine Wise, a half-albino man-wolf hybrid (text appears reading "Seriously, we're not making this up") who's also a hoverboot expert.

Jupiter, who can control bees due to their ability to recognize royalty (text appears reading "Someone paid a hundred and seventy-five million dollars for this"), finds herself falling for her protector, Caine, but since a disgraced man-wolf splice is no suitable match for a reincarnation of Abrasax royalty, they can't be together. (Caine: I have more in common with a dog than I have with you./Jupiter: I love dogs. I've always loved dogs.) (text appears reading "How was this allowed to happen?") Jupiter is tricked into accepting a marriage proposal from Titus Abrasax, who claims he will keep the universe safe. Caine and his own comrade Stinger, a fellow ex-space cop who is also part bee, rescue Jupiter just before the ceremony is complete (text appears reading "This was actually screened at Sundance"), saving her from marrying a man who's not just thousands of years older than her, but is also technically her son and plans to murder her.

And that's just the beginning of Jupiter's problems, as back on Earth, her mom, boss, and co-workers are captured by Balem Abrasax's dinosaur henchman, Mr. Greeghan. Shortly thereafter (text appears reading "Yes, those are wolf ears on Channing Tatum"), Caine and Stinger must launch another, nearly identical rescue mission, saving the person Jupiter on the planet Jupiter, destroying the RegeneX factory, and killing Balem. (text appears reading "If you think this trailer is dragging on too long, try watching the movie") Safely back in Chicago, Caine, who has angel wings now, by the way, is free to hoverskate with the new queen of the Earth, who, after all is said and done, uses her knowledge of the universe and royal power to...clean toilets again, completely ignoring the other two Abrasax siblings, who are still very much running a planetary holocaust business. The end. And that's really just the basics. (text appears reading "We didn't even mention the huge maxi pad")

Are you sure these are the same guys who made The Matrix?

Starring Cinderella in Space! (Mila Kunis as Jupiter Jones), Sean Bee-n (Sean Bean as Stinger Apini), Brian Boitano (Channing Tatum as Caine Wise), Larry and Lana Wachowski (David Ajala as Ibis and Bae Doona as Razo), Koopas (Ariyon Bakare as Greeghan), Max Rebo (Nicholas A. Newman as Nesh), Ayy LMAO (Keeper), and (whispered) Eddie (shouted) REDMAYNE (as Balem Abrasax).

Honest Trailers Jupiter AscendingOpen Invideo 4-53 screenshot

Honest title for Jupiter Ascending - Wachowksis Descending. Title design by Robert Holtby.

Wachowskis Descending

Wait, Sean Bean dies in every good movie, but survives this one? Man, they couldn't even kill Sean Bean right.

Viewer's Comments Edit

Say: "For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it's Tuesday." - skwaterboy

Say, "You embarrassed me in front of her!" - Jack Caliber

Say: "You gotta eat the booty like groceries." - Team BZ

Say: "scene does not contain a lapdance" - Riley Herbert

Say: Oh, what a day. What a lovely day! - ragingflip

Say "I record these things when I'm on the toilet." - strikerz10

Trivia Edit

Reception Edit

Honest Trailers - Jupiter Ascending has a 96.8% approval rating from YouTube viewers. CinemaBlend wrote that Screen Junkies provided a "brutal take-down" of the film, and appreciated the Honest Trailer for highlighting "the fact that the end of the movie leaves absolutely nothing changed." EW found Screen Junkies' decision to recount the film's actual plot effective, writing "there was one clear and present way to reveal the film’s insanity: simply repeat the actual plot of Jupiter Ascending." In a slightly different vein, The Daily Dot declared that the Honest Trailer offered a "hilariously accurate interpretation of the movie. Jupiter Ascending does indeed have terrible dialogue, a bizarre story concept, and Channing Tatum playing a space wolf-man who rides around on neon hover boots. However, these are features, not bugs. Jupiter Ascending is a masterpiece of modern cinema, and we refuse to hear a word against it."

Production credits Edit

JupiterAscending

Video thumbnail for Honest Trailers - Jupiter Ascending

Voiceover Narration by Jon Bailey

Title design by Robert Holtby

Series Created by Andy Signore & Brett Weiner

Written by Spencer Gilbert, Dan Murrell, Erica Russell, Andy Signore, & Roger Barr

Edited by Anthony Falleroni & Dan Murrell

External links Edit

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