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Mulan (1998) is the 337th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. Taking the format of a musical episode, it parodies the 1998 animated film Mulan. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy and features vocal performers singing parody versions of the films songs. It was published on March 17, 2020, which was supposed to be coincide with Disney's live-action remake of the film before its delay due to COVID-19 and eventual release on Disney+. It is 6 minutes and 21 seconds long. It has been viewed over 1.5 million times.

Watch Honest Trailers - Mulan on YouTube

Script Edit

Well, Disney may be able to change their release schedule, but it's now or nothing for us! Let's Mu it!

From the studio (Disney) that brought you the "We Are Siamese" song...

Si and Am: (singing) We are Siamese, if you please!

...Donald Duck's unfortunate World War II adventures...

Japanese Soldier: Japanese custom say, "Always shooting a man in the back, please."

...and an Asian cat playing piano with chopsticks...

Shun Gon: (singing) Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo Yung!

...comes their stab at a Chinese folk tale about gender roles.

Mushu: (after roasting Shan Yu's hawk) Now, that's what I call "Mongolian barbecue".

Uh-oh!

Mulan

Before you see Disney's first actually justifiable live-action remake... someday (a Variety article pops up with the title "'Mulan,' 'New Mutants' Releases Delayed in Wake of Coronavirus"), revisit the first time the mouse gave this story the Disney treatment, by smushing hundreds of years of unrelated Chinese history together, jamming awkward 90's CG into beautiful 2D animation, and cutting between a grim war story and the fast-talking hi-jinks of a G-rated Eddie Murphy.

Captain Li Shang: What's your name?

Mushu: Uh, uh, ah, Chu!

Mulan: Ah Chu.

Mushu: Gesundheit. Ha ha! I kill myself...

Ha ha! That was funny! Now, back to the death!

Shan Yu: How many men does it take to deliver a message?

Hun Archer: One.

Meet Mulan. She's got the classic "pretty princess" problem where she knows there's more to life than this, but where most princesses think they need a man, Mulan will cut out the middleman, and instead, she'll just be a man. And while she's more inclined to hug the patriarchy than smash it, she will kill a lot more dudes with snow than Elsa ever dreamed of. (the Hun army gets decimated by Mulan's avalanche) Holy crap... This girl's got a body count that could fill the Matterhorn!

But Mulan isn't alone in her fight against the Huns, an evil race complete with fangs, claws, yellow beady eyes, and... Good Lord, Disney; these were an actual people, not the Uruk-hai! She'll be joined by Mushu, a tiny dragon workshopping his Donkey audition...

Mushu: Hey, "dragon". "Dragon".

Donkey: DRAGOOOOON!!!

...and a supporting cast that's also challenging stereotypes: a gentle giant, a cricket who doesn't wear hats or sing, and a Chinese guy who sounds just like Harvey Fierstein.

Yao: Ah, you ain't worth my time.

Hey, in the 90's, this is what progress looked like; at least he's not playing piano with the chopsti--

Shun Gon: (singing) Fortune cookie always wrong!

DON'T SHOW IT AGAIN!

But this kids' flick isn't all war and wieners (a bunch of naked men run past Mulan); it's also about love. Wrap your arms around the nearest pole and fall for Li Shang, the handsome captain with the body of an Adonis and the vocal chops of a Donny Osmond (shows a clip of Donny Osmond in the recording booth singing Li Shang's lines). He's a little Ping-curious, a little Mulan-furious, and very, very shirtless, creating a passionate fanbase that demands an answer to just one thing...

Captain Li Shang: --you have my trust.

Why does Li have nipples when Aladdin doesn't? A little nip consistency's all we're asking for here; at least make them an option on Disney+ (demonstrates the "nipple toggle" on Li Shang).

So suit up for a Disney movie that, much like its heroes, has struggled with its identity, because it was too American for Chinese audiences (a BBC News article pops up with the title "Chinese unimpressed with Disney's Mulan", detailing how Mulan only made $30,000 in three weeks at the Chinese box office), too conservative for Li Shang fans, and way too liberal for Vice President Mike Pence (a BuzzFeed News article pops up with the title "Mike Pence Argued In An Op-Ed That Disney's 'Mulan' Was Liberal Propaganda", detailing how Pence disliked Mulan's idea of women in the military), but it still found its place in the Disney pantheon thanks to its bold heroine, charming comedy, and a few memorable songs, like... the "Stereotypically Chinese" song (to the tune of "Honor to Us All")...

Hear those strings
Hear that flute
Isn't ancient Chinese culture cute?
White directors
And white voice cast too
They'll get most of this one wrong

...the "Glorified Chant Masquerading as a Song" song (to the tune of "A Girl Worth Fighting For")...

Bet the music's what most Disney fans find charming
So the lack of songs in Mulan is alarming
You can leave them out in the live remake
And focus on the war
But in the cartoon?
Give us more than four!

...the "No Time to Explain, But Mulan Can Fight Now" song (to the tune of "I'll Make a Man Out of You")...

The second act is starting
And Mulan's
Still weak
Cue the training montage
And go take
A leak
By the time you're through,
She'll be a dude...
Who can fight, like Rocky 4
That's what songs, like this one,
Are good for!

...and the "Not-So-Subtle Coming-Out" song (to the tune of "Reflection").

Villains get coded gay
Ursula
Kaa the snake
But when will a gay hero
Get some real
Screentiiiiiiiiiiime?
Sorry Cogsworth doesn't count

Starring: Mulanna Man (Ming-Na Wen and Lea Salonga as Fa Mulan); Dracarys Is My Name (Eddie Murphy as Mushu); I Like the Way You Work It, No Jiminy (Frank Welker as Cri-Kee); Shang Tsings! (BD Wong and Donny Osmond as Captain Li Shang); In 1992, Shan Yu Was an Advertising Executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, For Reasons Known Only to Him, He Left His Wife and Career and Moved Deep into the Forest. Now, He Is Only Known as The Falconer (Miguel Ferrer as Shan Yu); and... Realizing You've Got Mulan to Thank for Rick and Morty's Worst Fans.

Kid Announcer: In honor of Disney's new movie Mulan, McDonald's is offering tender, crispy Chicken McNuggets and a new Szechuan sauce, for a taste of the East.

Big Trouble in Actual China

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The honest title for Mulan was 'Big Trouble in Actual China'. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.

(Mushu launches a rocket at Shan Yu, sending him into a pile of fireworks and killing him. The fireworks ignite, exciting the people below.)

Stop cheering! You're going to get bits of Hun in your mouth!

Viewer's Comments Edit

Please say "i did not have tasty relations with that burger" in Bill Clinton voice. I challenge you? - Kcuf Htcib

Say, "I'm saying something original and epic, in my epic voice" - Ian Hughes

Please say: "Oh no! Everything's going according to plan." - Joe4

In honor of Max Von Sydow, say: "I met Death today, we played chess" - Steven Golden

Please say: "Help, I'm the one that actually writes these things and they take all the mmph uuff urg mmmph ack..." - LightsOnTrees100

Trivia Edit

  • The penultimate comment on the viewer's comments pays tribute to Max von Sydow, famous for his roles in The Seventh Seal and The Exorcist, among others, who passed away on March 8, 2020 at the age of 90.
  • The vocal performers were not credited in the video's description on YouTube.

Reception Edit

Production Credits Edit

Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy

Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, Danielle Radford & Lon Harris

Produced by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, & Max Dionne

Edited by: Kevin Williamsen

Post-Production Supervisor: Kevin Williamsen

Production Coordinator: Ryan O'Toole

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