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Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) is the 344th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2003 animated television micro-series Star Wars: Clone Wars. It was published on May 5, 2020, to coincide with Star Wars Day (May the 4th). It is 5 minutes and 23 seconds long. It has been viewed over 1.4 million times.

Watch Honest Trailers - Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) on YouTube

"Totally, completely, hugely balls-to-the-wall." ~ Honest Trailer - Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003)

Script Edit

Back when we thought the prequels would be the last Star Wars stuff we would ever get...

Jar Jar Binks: Meesa called Jar Jar Binks!

Anakin Skywalker: I don't like sand.

Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

...one animator (Genndy Tartakovsky) stood against the darkness and said, "To hell with making the Force balanced; I'm gonna make it... Jack!" (a shot of the opening to Samurai Jack)

Genndy Tartakovsky's Clone Wars. Look, we'll do the Clone Wars TV series eventually, okay?! It just ended, for Sheev's sake!

Gear up for the original adaptation of the throwaway line of dialogue in A New Hope...

Luke Skywalker: You fought in the Clone Wars?

...that's no longer canon because they already replaced it, because we're so crammed full of Star Wars crap now, they're already rebooting the spin-offs (a CNET article pops up with the title "Star Wars: Rogue One prequel series is apparently shooting this year"). And it's a shame, because even though these animated shorts were made to promote a movie that wasn't very good, they are totally... (action shots) completely... (more action shots) hugely... (even more action shots) balls-to-the-wall... (still more action shots) ugh, exhausting to watch in one sitting. Man, this is a lot of action; can we pause for a little Star Wars dialogue in there?

Padmé Amidala: Ani, you're almost a Jedi Knight. And then...

Anakin Skywalker: And then what? Jedis aren't supposed to be married.

Euugh, never mind. Let's just get the lightsabers "schwooom"-ing again. (montage of characters swinging their lightsabers) Oh yeah, that's the stuff...

All the Jedi you love are back. Anakin is somehow even whinier...

Anakin Skywalker: But I am the best pilot in the Order. Chancellor Palpatine knows it. I don't know why you can't--

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Padawan!

...Obi-Wan is a real piece of sass...

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Seems I've created quite the mess, now, haven't I? / What an incredible smell you've discovered...

...Sam Jackson is probably pissed off he voiced this Clone Wars Mace Windu...

2008 Clone Wars Mace Windu: This is a dark day for the Republic.

...instead of this Clone Wars Mace Windu (Mace pummels a super battle droid into scrap metal), and Yoda is doing his best Ren & Stimpy impression. (montage of Yoda making a shocked expression on his face)

"Stimpy as Yoda": Palpatine, idiot you are!

Together, they'll lead an army of clones against hordes of killer droids using a wide range of tactics, like: charging straight into them at full speed (montage of clones charging into the line of fire), and... nope, that's it. (shots of clones getting slaughtered by super battle droids) Man, the Jedi were bad generals; the clones would've Order 66'd them with or without Palpatine. (Ki-Adi-Mundi gets shot by his own troops)

Return to a time when the dark side was gathering its forces, but Sheev wasn't ready to make a move yet, which means these Clone Wars are chock-full of Dooku...

Count Dooku: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

...a villain destined to train bad guys who are way cooler than he is, like this unnamed murder lady (Asajj Ventress), a Force-user so badass, she got a name in the reboot...

Count Dooku: Well done, Ventress. / Ventress! Kill him!

...General Grievous, an unstoppable combination of Michael Myers and a Dustbuster, and a collection of super-cool randos you'll get pissed off you never got an action figure of. I mean, seriously, Nute Gunray is a toy, but we didn't get "Hell's Angels jousting droid" (Durge)? What about "third act of Akira guy"? Where <slam> is <slam> my <slam> articulated <slam> wolf <slam> man <slam> Jedi (Voolvif Monn)?! (several Jedi cheer in victory)

So strap in as your favorite sci-fi riff on old samurai movies (Seven Samurai) gets riffed on by a guy famous for his sci-fi samurai cartoon -- and by "riffed on", I mean he just did a long Samurai Jack episode with lightsabers -- that kept Star Wars alive after the prequels, inspired your favorite stuff about the new canon, and gave us the best ending in the Star Wars franchise: Anakin getting tribal tats from a space leech while they talk about entering a mom's mouth to save the Na'vi.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: (translating) "Enter the Mother's mouth to awake her inner flame."

...What?

Starring: My Little Pony, Magic Friendship Is (Tom Kane as Yoda)...

Anakin Skywalker: Do you have his coordinates?

R4-P22: *beep boop*

Anakin Skywalker: Then plug them in!

...Hyperspace Tracking? Ah Man, Last Jedi Ruined This Movie Too?; Like Zoinks, Master Mundi! (John DiMaggio as Sha'a Gi); These Squid Guys Have a Dong and Balls on the Back of Their Heads. It Flops and Everything! (Quarren); C3 Peep Show (Anthony Daniels as C-3PO)... (C-3PO reveals his new gold plating)

Anakin Skywalker: Impressive...

C-3PO: Yes, I rather fancy it, myself.

...and Dramatic Cloak Work (montage of characters doing cool things with their cloaks).

Star Shorts

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The honest title for Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) was 'Star Shorts'. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.

(Anakin prepares to eat various insects in front of Obi-Wan) Is Anakin eating bugs a thing? Did they just make that up, or does he canonically slurp down worms for fun?

Viewer's Comments Edit

Please say, "In a world where whirled whorls are hurled hurdles for curled curdles and twirled turtles..." - Rex Racer

Please say cowabunga dudeee - Alex Axolotl

Please say "if poison finishes its expiry date, does it become less poisonous or more poisonous?" - Saavan Palee

Please say: Of course I want a latte. I LOVE THE WAY YOU MAKE THEM!! - Caz Tailby

Trivia Edit

Reception Edit

Production Credits Edit

Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy

Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford & Lon Harris

Produced by: Spencer Gilbert & Joe Starr

Edited by: Kevin Williamsen

Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand

Supervising Producer: Max Dionne

Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole

Executive Producer: Roth Cornet

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