Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace 25th Anniversary is the 543rd episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. An update of the original (and very first) Honest Trailer from 2012, it parodies the 1999 epic space opera film Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, including several new references and jokes. It was published on May 14, 2024, to coincide with the film's theatrical re-release in celebration of its 25th anniversary. It is 8 minutes and 1 second long. It has been viewed over 700,000 times.
Script[]
From a studio that closed a long time ago (20th Century Fox), and a director (George Lucas) who ran far, far away (a USA Today article with the title "Disney buys Lucasfilm for $4 billion" pops up), comes a turd that's been retconned into a good movie, because A.) you saw it before your frontal lobe matured...
Jar Jar: (after smelling an eopie's fart, blubbering) Pee-yousa!
...B.) the new ones are mostly worse...
Poe Dameron: Somehow, Palpatine returned.
...and C.) your prequel memories are all mixed up with the good stuff they inspired. (shows gameplay from Star Wars Episode I: Racer, the title card for Star Wars: The Clone Wars, gameplay from Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga, and the r/PrequelMemes Reddit page)
"Weird Al" Yankovic ("The Saga Begins"): (singing) Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry...
Ahh, the early 2000's; truly, a wizard time to be alive. (shows a Jar Jar-shaped lollipop)
Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace 25th Anniversary Edition
Witness the very start of the Skywalker Saga... or at least, a few short years after Anakin's mom was porked by the Force.
Shmi: There was no father.
Don the tactical muumuu of newcomer Qui-Gon Jinn, a Jedi who always follows his instincts...
Qui-Gon: Use your instincts.
...and those instincts say, (in a Liam Neeson impression) "I'm surrounded by idiots."
Obi-Wan: Do not defy the Council, Master, not again.
Qui-Gon: I shall do what I must...
Panaka: I do not agree with the Jedi on this.
Qui-Gon: You must trust my judgment...
Obi-Wan: But Master Yoda said I should be mindful of the future.
Qui-Gon: But not at the expense of the moment.
Qui-Gon: (grabbing Jar Jar's tongue as he tries to snag food from the table) Don't do that again.
This Qui will guide young Obi-Wan through his "rattail and snark" phase...
Obi-Wan: Why do I sense we've picked up another pathetic life-form?
...in a plot that would have been a strong message about the neoliberal-to-fascist pipeline, if you weren't cheering for anyone to smash these trade talks up with a lightsaber.
Obi-Wan: How do you think this trade viceroy will deal with the Chancellor's demands?
Panaka: The Senate would revoke their trade franchise, and they'd be finished.
Queen Amidala: We must continue to rely on negotiation.
Palpatine: --a tragedy has occurred, which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation.
That's why Palpatine's plan worked: everyone was way too bored to care.
Darth Sidious: I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. They will have no choice but to accept...
Before he donned the dark helmet, Anakin Skywalker was the god of pod (shows Anakin zooming past an explosion in his podracer); he's arrogant...
Anakin: I'm the only human who can do it.
...immature...
Anakin: Yippee!
...and grows up to harass any woman who appears in a Star Wars project...
Darth Vader: (to Princess Leia) You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take her away!
Darth Vader: (while Force-choking Reva) You were warned what defeat would bring!
...so no wonder the current fanbase loves him. Watch this Ani Sue button-mash his way to victory...
Anakin: Take this! (launches a torpedo) And this! (launches another torpedo) / I'll try spinning. That's a good trick.
...become the Chosen One thanks to the magic chlorine in his blood...
Qui-Gon: I need a midi-chlorian count.
Obi-Wan: Over 20,000.
...and pull the galaxy's most eligible queen with nothing but a bowl cut and a smile.
Windu: He's too old.
Maybe for the Jedi, but nine is fine for Padmé!
You may have grown up with Star Wars, but Star Wars will never grow up with you; case in point, Jar Jar Binks.
Jar Jar: How wude.
Ahmed did his very best to bring this Hanna-Barbadian to life...
Jar Jar: Hello, boyos.
R2-D2: (beeps and whistles)
...but an itsy-bitsy this goes a longsy-wongsy way...
Jar Jar: Mesa caused mabbe one, two-y lettle bitty axadentes, huh?
...much less bumbling through every scene of the whole godd*mn movie.
Jar Jar: (yelling after accidentally sticking his tongue in a podracer beam) My tongue... / Dissen berry berry bad. (steps in excrement) Oh! Icky icky goo!
<sigh> "Make One Alien Who's Not a Racist Cartoon Challenge"...
Jar Jar: 'Tis demanded by the gods, it 'tis.
Gunray: As you know, our blockade is perfectly legal...
Watto: Mind tricks don't work on me. Only money.
...or human.
Qui-Gon: I didn't actually come here to free slaves. / I tried to free your mother, Ani, but Watto wouldn't have it.
Anakin: Have you come to free us?
Qui-Gon: No, I'm afraid not.
Okay, "Master"; we get it.
Prepare to overheat a warehouseful of Gateway desktops, in a film full of VFX that only sometimes looks like the Windows XP wallpaper (plays the Windows XP startup noise over a battle in the Naboo plains), as this all-out CG-fest singlehandedly changes Hollywood into an industry where no actor would ever get to go outside again, featuring one great-looking podracing scene (shows Anakin's perspective during the podrace), one tech demo that looks like the box your graphics card came in (shows a sando aqua monster eating an opee sea killer chasing after the Jedi and Jar Jar), and about five of the most limp, casual battles to ever render out a server farm. (montage of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan slicing up battle droids) Pssh, come on! You call these "battle droids"? My Tesla killed more people than them! (shows Obi-Wan destroying another battle droid)
So enjoy George Lucas's return to the writer's desk and director's chair, for better or worse...
George Lucas: Jar Jar is the key to all of this.
...where the magic leaps from his first draft directly to the screen...
Shmi: I don't want you to race. It's awful. I die every time Watto makes you do it.
Anakin: But, Mom, I love it.
Qui-Gon: Your mother's right.
...as Daddy spoon-feeds fans with all their favorite Glup Sh*ttos (shows Even Piell, Yaddle, and Aurra Sing), the only two planets in the galaxy that matter...
Obi-Wan: Here, Master. Tatooine.
Olié: Coruscant. The entire planet is one big city.
...and the one epic lightsaber duel that makes it all worthwhile. (shows Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan dueling Darth Maul, followed by Qui-Gon getting stabbed) Do you like this movie, or does ending on the high ground of the whole franchise trick you into liking it?
Starring: I Went Up and Down Coruscant with a Saber, Hoping Some Sith Lord Would Come Out of a Pub and Have a Go at Me (Liam Neeson as Qui-Gon Jinn); Ewan Your Own Now (Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi); Ani Are You OK? Will You Tell Us, That You're OK? (Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker); Vergence Mary (Pernilla August as Shmi Skywalker); Courage the Cowardly Frog (Ahmed Best as Jar Jar Binks); It's Gonna Be Mé (Natalie Portman as Padmé Amidala); Stop Looking Like Me, Swann! (Keira Knightley as Sabé); Somehow Palpatine Began (Ian McDiarmid as Sheev Palpatine/Darth Sidious); What Happens to a Toad When They're Struck by a Lightsaber? The Same Thing That Happens to Everything Else. (Ray Park and Peter Serafinowicz as Darth Maul); Cable Guyyy (Anthony Daniels as C-3PO); Growngu (Frank Oz as Yoda); No Action Jackson (Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu); Artemis Jowl (Brian Blessed as Boss Nass); No One Out-Prequels the Hutt (Scott Schumann as Jabba the Hutt); Limb Manuel Miranda (Lewis MacLeod as Sebulba); Parkour! Parkour! Parkour! Parkour Parkour! (montage of Jedi and Sith leaping acrobatically); and Watto'gasms (Andy Secombe as Watto) (montage of Watto groaning).
Don't Be a Menace (to the Galactic Senate While Raising Your Force Kid in the Hood)
The honest title for Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace 25th Anniversary was ‘Don't Be a Menace (to the Galactic Senate While Raising Your Force Kid in the Hood)’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
(shows Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon passing through one of Otoh Gunga's bubble walls) All right, what's up with George Lucas and the giant orbs of water? Why don't you leave the wet stuff to Cameron, okay?
Viewer's Comments[]
Say "My parts are showing? Oh, my goodness" in C-3PO's voice, to celebrate The Phantom Menace's 25th anniversary - albertolopes829
please say "the phantom menace is the most dissapointing thing since my son" - davidt.5920
Please say "What a pro wants, what a pro needs..." - benabramowitz18
Please say "Ah you think grain is your ally? You merely adopted the grain. I was born in it, molded by it." - Beutimus
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Manager: Emin Bassavand
Content Manager: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Post-Production Specialist: Rebecca Castaneda
VP Content: Max Dionne