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Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker is the 338th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. It was published on March 24, 2020, to coincide with the digital release of the film. It is 7 minutes and 24 seconds long. It has been viewed over 3.1 million times.

Watch Honest Trailers - Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker on YouTube

Script Edit

From Colin Trevorrow, until someone saw The Book of Henry [Collider article that reads: “Here’s Why Colin Trevorrow Was Fired from ‘Star Wars: Episode IX’”], and the director who’s never seen a landing he couldn’t not stick [J.J. Abrams] [shows the logos for Lost, Super 8, and Star Trek Into Darkness], comes the epic conclusion to The Force Awakens.

Star Wars: Episode 7.5 - The Rise of Skywalker

Lando: “I‘ve got a bad feeling about this.”

The Last Jedi ask you to forget everything you knew about Star Wars. So, when some fans threw the kind of fit usually reserved for ethics of games journalism, Disney panicked and tried to mash the pieces back together. In this hollowed-out shell of a trilogy, that’s missing any consistency in it’s plot, themes, or characters. Unless you fill in the blanks on Twitter, read all the novels, and happen to be running some Fortnite squads with the boys during the crossover event.

Fornite Narrator: “The day of victory is at hand. The day of revenge. The day of the Sith!”

Oh, that’s what “The dead speak” was referencing. Fortnite! Just like how Return of the Jedi revealed the second Death Star in Root Beer Tapper. [shows the gameplay with the 8-bit Death Star photo on the left, while playing 8-bit version of “Imperial March”]

When we left them, the resistance was down to it’s last gasp and the First Order reigned supreme. Now... stuff has happened, and the resistance is back to fighting strength, while the First Order is taking loans from the rich old grandpa they don’t call anymore. They’ll strike a dark bargain the only character left on the rotting carcass of the original trilogy. Palpatine, or a clone of him? That’s like.. rotting away? And Snoke is also a clone and he’s being... pickled?? I don’t know. Not super clear. The Emperor is enacting the same plan he had last time. Troll a young Jedi into striking him down.

Episode 6 Palpatine: “Strike me down, and your journey towards the Dark Side will be complete.”

Episode 9 Palpatine: “Strike me down, and my spirit will pass it to you.”

And when that fails, hit him with the old zap hands! [shows Palpatine using his electrical finger ability] But luckily, the same Luke Skywalker who bailed on this whole mess, also left a scavenger hunt to stop him. Sending our heroes, running to find the... thingy, that leads to the other... thingy, that leads to the bad guy, while the First Order keeps sending them running whenever some character growth is about to happen. [shows every moment interrupted by the First Order] You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about this film. And the biggest issue it has at it’s core is... [TIE Fighters come out of nowhere] OH NO, TIE FIGHTERS! EVERYBODY SCRAM!!

All the new characters you still barely know after three movies have returned. Like Poe, who I guess was a smuggler at some point? [Zorii: “Your friend’s old job was running spice.”] Completing his arc from Han Solo type, to just Han Solo. Finn, who’s still fighting against all odds to keep himself in the movie. [shows clips of Finn trying to still be involved in everything] Maz Kanata, who snatched a metal out of Leia’s cold dead hands, just to please some 40-year-old fanboys. These poor schmucks [shows added-on characters], whose stories must have been cut for time. Kylo Ren, continuing the Skywalker tradition of being genocidal death cultist, whose redeemed by a single act of good. And Rey, whose taken Luke’s X-wing, his lightsaber, his book collection, possibly his childhood home, and his last name. [Old woman: “Rey who?” Rey: “Rey Skywalker.”] Huh. Was Rey playing the long game? ‘Cause I think Luke just got talented Mrs. Ridley’d. [The screen turns red. Dun! Dun! Dun!!!]

Don’t like the newcomers? Don’t worry. No one is ever really gone. Rejoin your old pals 3PO, Chewie, Luke, Leia, Han and Lando. Who are so sidelined at this point, that one of them is fake memory wiped [C-3PO], one of them fake dies [Chewbacca], one of them thinks Last Jedi was for fake fans only [Luke], one of them dies from causing the fake death of their son [Leia], one of them died two movies ago and is so over this franchise, he wouldn’t even get a haircut to cameo as a memory [Han], and one of them is alive and well enough to seeming hit on his own daughter. [Lando: “Well, let’s find out.”] Didn’t know that’s who Jannah was suppose to be? It was in the Rise of Skywalker visual companion book, idiot! [shows The Rise of Skywalker visual dictionary] Should’ve been reading that in-between rounds of Fortnite! Call yourself a Star Wars fan. pffft!

So, strap in for a conclusion that brings so much new to the franchise. From the new force powers, that would’ve really come in handy for Qui-Gon Jinn, [shows Qui-Gon death scene in Phantom Menace] to hammering at home that all these dead stormtroopers were actually kidnapped children, to finally seeing the Knights of Ren, do ABSOLUTLY NOTHING than go out like a bunch of weak-ass punks! [shows Kylo Ren killing each and every one of them] And mercifully brings the new Star Wars cinematic era to a close with a sloppily constructed, hastily executed mess that managed to do the impossible. Unite fans loved The Last Jedi, and fans who hated The Last Jedi, by pleasing none of them. [Poe: “It’s on fire! THE WHOLE THING’S ON FIRE!!”]

Starring: Oh, We’re Using Our Made-Up Names, Then I Am Rey Skywalker; Hucked Finn; Narco Poe-Lo; Gentle Ben; “Use The Force, Me.”; The Only Consistent Character Across All 9 Films; Participation Trophies; Don’t Force So Hard, You’ll End Up Just Like Your Brother; An Old Man Wearing The Same Outfit He Had In His 20’s; Cut Off My Mane!; The Rocketeer; Rolling James D-0; Tony Sith Cloned This In A Cave!; Bland Moff Tarkin; A Rose By Any Other Name Would Get To Speak; How Can I Be A Mechanic I Have No Arms; Darth Sibelius; You Know What’s Cooler That 1 Captain Phasma? 6 Captain Phasmas; And Rey’s Dramatic Reveal Face [shows all clips of Rey with a surprised reveal face]

Star Wars: Episode IX - The Last Star Wars - for a while at least. They really need to think this through.

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The honest title for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker was 'Star Wars: Episode IX: The Last Star Wars'. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.

You know, I‘m starting to think it’s a bad idea for one studio to make every big movie.

[shows Rocket and Star-Lord arguing in Guardians Vol. 2, then shows Rey and Poe arguing]

[shows Endgame portals scene, then shows all x-wings along with the Millennium Falcon]

Viewer's Comments Edit

Say: "wash your hands!" - llo2911

Would you please say: "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, there they are all standing in a row..." (:) - importantcupcake

Please say ' Who you calling a cupcake queen, you lent-licker!' - george Earl

Say, "I'm sorry for peeing during Be a Man." - The Boulder

TriviaEdit

Reception Edit

Production Credits Edit

Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy

Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, Danielle Radford & Lon Harris

Produced by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, & Max Dionne

Edited by: Kevin Williamsen

Post-Production Supervisor: Kevin Williamsen

Production Coordinator: Ryan O'Toole

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