Starship Troopers is the 357th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy, with a special narration by Casper Van Dien in character as Lt. John "Johnny" Rico. It parodies the 1997 satirical military science fiction action film Starship Troopers. It was published on August 4, 2020, as part of Blockbuster Summer, a special run of episodes in which Screen Junkies turned their attention to blockbusters both old and new. It is 4 minutes and 50 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
This summer, we're getting honest about summer blockbusters past and present. This is Honest Trailers: Blockbuster Summer.
Not at all based on the classic sci-fi novel (Starship Troopers by Robert A. Heinlein), comes the film that made you say “Oorah!” when it first came out...
Soldiers: Hooah! (they smash their helmets together)
...then “Ohhhhh, I get it.” when you watched it a few years later.
Lt. Rasczak: Pay attention.
Dress up like Master Chief's brokeboy cousin, for this "bugs vs. apes" war epic that satirizes what life is like in a militarized society, where it costs an arm and a leg to vote, every channel is Fox News...
Expert 1: --nonsense.
Expert 2: Would you just wait a moment?
Expert 1: This is the most ridiculous conversation--
Expert 2: Maybe...
...the big villain is every fascist's secret fear: a vagina that can think for itself...
Col. Jenkins: We thought there might be a brain bug on "P".
...and full racial and gender equality exist because we're all too horned up on genocide.
Rico: I'm from Buenos Aires, and I say kill them all!
Soldiers: Yeah! Go on, trooper! Yeah!
How did anyone think the guy behind RoboCop made a sincere film about sexy troops? There's a child soldier in the first 45 seconds!
Meet a cast of <snort!> "teenagers" who put the "hotzi" in "Nazi", as they follow their boners off to a space war.
Rico: I joined up for her. I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for her.
There's Rico, the bold leader who will literally do anything his favorite teacher tells him to, and we mean "anything"...
Lt. Rasczak: (to Rico, at a party) Never pass up a good thing.
Lt. Rasczak: (after finding Rico and Dizzy sleeping together) Make it twenty minutes.
Rico: Yes, sir.
...Carmen, who's just the worst...
Ibanez: --I think I'm gonna go career. / I don't think that's gonna leave a lot of room for you and me, Johnny.
["6 Minutes Later..."]
Rico: You know what I want.
Ibanez: What do you want?
...Neil Patrick Harris, back when he was still trying to break out of the nerd roles, but is still a math geek with a pet ferret...
Col. Jenkins: (to Cyrano) Go bug Mom...
...plus a bunch of supporting characters who desperately want to have sex with all of them.
Pvt. Levy: Hi.
Evil space bugs are on the attack because they hate our freedom... or because we started colonizing their planets. Tomato, tomahto. Now, they're sending hordes of fierce warriors who can withstand a hail of gunfire (a Bug tanks several rifle clips) -- or, like, half a clip when the plot demands it (a shot of soldiers gunning down several Bugs) -- in beautifully crafted battle scenes that still fool the eye twenty years later, blending the meticulous use of CGI with the repulsive neon goo they use to mix Monster Energy. (a soldier shoots at a Bug carcass, covering him in green blood) Hey, modern movies! Use real goo! You can't fake good goo!
Rico: (to an extremely grossed-out Ibanez) And here's the stomach.
Enjoy some of the greatest line readings in film history...
Watkins: (to Rico) You kill Bugs good.
Lt. Rasczak: They sucked his brains out.
Buenos Aires Survivor: The only good Bug is a dead Bug.
...delivered with such sincerity, you wonder if the cast is even in on the joke...
Katrina: Goddamn Bugs whacked us, Johnny.
...as everyone commits so hard, you'll be ready to enlist in the Space Force-- I mean, Mobile Infantry, because even though they're making fun of how dumb this culture is, who wouldn't want to play some taser tag, then cool off with a nice group co-ed shower? Just look at all these soapy privates' soaped-up privates!
So enjoy a work of subversive genius that was definitely misunderstood when it came out, but now, enough time has passed for the world to realize it's not a dumb war movie; it's just a movie about using war to take advantage of dumb people.
Rico: What did you say, Private?!
Lt. Rico! Sorry, I, uh... I was just trying to make a joke.
Rico: "Just trying to make a joke, SIR!"
Sir! Just trying to make a joke, sir!
Rico: Do you see me laughing?
Sir, no sir!
Rico: I have one rule in this unit: nobody quits, every joke hits. Is that clear?
Sir, yes sir!
Rico: Hand over your mic, Private. I'll take it from here.
Rico: Starring: Battlestud Galactica (Casper Van Dien as John "Johnny" Rico); She Wants the Diz-Nick (Dina Meyer as Pvt. Isabelle "Dizzy" Flores); Where in the World is Carmen Buenos Aires (Denise Richards as Carmen Ibanez); I'm With Busey (Jake Busey as Pvt. Ace Levy); Get Out of My Head, Doogie! (Neil Patrick Harris as Col. Carl Jenkins); Shot for Teacher (Michael Ironside as Lt. Jean Rasczak); Whoa, It's Hank From Breaking Bad, I Love That Show! (Dean Norris as Commanding Officer); StarCraft (the Bugs); and My Desire to Know More Intensifies! (Rico exhibiting the thousand-yard stare)
Saving Private Rico
Nicely done, sir!
Rico: Honest Trailers does the writing, Mobile Infantry does the dying. Epic Voice Guy, welcome to the Roughnecks.
Epic Voice Guy/Rico: Hooah!
Viewer's Comments Edit
Say "No animals were harmed in the making of the Honest Trailer, other than the editor and the voice" - Duc Nguyen
Say: "You wanna get nuts? Come on, let's get nuts!" - Austin Henry
Production Credits Edit
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert & Joe Starr
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Supervising Producer: Max Dionne
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Executive Producer: Roth Cornet