The Blade Trilogy is the 233rd episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr and Dan Murrell. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the Marvel Comics Blade franchise which consists of Blade (1998), Blade: II (2002) and Blade: Trinity (2004). It was published on February 13, 2018 to coincide with the theatrical release of Black Panther. It is 4 minutes 40 seconds long. It has been viewed over 2 million times.
"Quench your thirst with three movies of wildly different quality, that at their best could make B-list stars look cool, and at their worst make A-list actors look ridiculous." ~ Honest Trailers - The Blade Trilogy
In a time when Marvel movies were direct to video flops, unreleased cult films, or whatever Howard the Duck was, (Woman in bed with Howard: I just can't resist your intense animal magnetism. [Howard's feathers become erect]), the best and worst of Marvel were on full display in The Blade Trilogy.
Quench your thirst with three movies of so wildly different quality that at their best could make B-list stars look cool, and at their worst make A-list actors look ridiculous. (Hannibal King: That's just rude) All thanks to directors that ranged from the unknown (Stephen Norrington) to the legendary (Guillermo del Toro) to the Poochie of comic book movies (David S. Goyer). (Hannibal King: Darkcore, Trip-hop, whatever kids are listening to these days.) In three R-rated, black-led superhero movies that the press just kind of forgot existed. Okay, look, it's fine you don't remember Meteor Man, but there were three of these.
Meet Wesley Snipes, a badass never aging samurai who in these films, goes by the name Blade. (Blade: I was born ready motherf***er.) He's a half-vampire with superior levels of melanin (Man: You can withstand sunlight), a signature style and whatever one-liners Wesley Snipes had in his head at the time (Blade: Catch you later. Blade: You telling me it's open season on all suck-heads. Blade: Some motherf***ers are always trying to ice skate uphill.). [laughs] They sure are, Wesley, they sure are. Wait, what?
Enter a centuries long war against the most pathetic vampires since Twilight, who burst into flames at the slightest touch of garlic, silver, sunlight; practice an ancient one-at-a-time fighting style, only have have one master plan (Vampire: Blade's blood is the key. Man: We're going to harvest your blood. Blade: What is this place? Man: It's a blood farming facility); can't really speak through their fangs (vampires lisping); and name everything by slapping the word vampire in front of a noun ( Montage: vampire mace, vampire cattlebrand, vampire mark, vampire ranks, vampire nation, vampire glyphs, vampire cabana boy, vampire vibrators, vampire ways, vampire chain of command, the vampire gene, Hannibal King: You made a goddamn vampire pomeranian?!). That's not just lazy; that's... uh... vampire lazy.
Thrill at an action franchise with a unique look that it abandoned to look as much like The Matrix as possible, full of early-2000's club raves, leather trench-coats and CGI that was looking so rough, they bailed on it before the final cut. (Vampire surrounded by cyclonic CGI blood: Are we having fun yet, Blade? I sure hope not). Good call.
So relive the groundbreaking superhero trilogy with more firsts that you can shake a stake at, like: Marvel's first movie franchise, the first black superhero movie franchise, Ryan Reynolds's first smart-ass comic book role (Blade: Trinity, Green Lantern and Deadpool), the first Marvel hallway fight scene, the first Marvel franchise to have a solid origin story (Blade, X-Men and Spider-Man), and even better sequel (Blade II, X2 and Spider-Man 2), then go off the rails in the third one (Blade: Trinity, X-Men: The Last Stand and Spider-Man 3), and the first franchise to include the phrase "c*** juggling thunder-c***".
Hannibal King: You c*** juggling thunder-c***!!!
Yeah, I'm gonna bet that's one record that won't be broken. Lookin' at you Deadpool 2.
Starring: [Wesley Snipes as Blade] White Men Can't Slay; [Kris Kristofferson as Whistler] Suck Dynasty; [Vampire with impaled object in its forehead] Vampire Weakened; [Norman Reedus as Scud in Blade II] Daryl? What are you doing here?; [Ryan Reynolds as Hannibal King in Blade: Trinity] Fratpool; [Parker Posey as Danica Talos in Blade: Trinity] Where's His Busy Bee?; [Ron Perlman as Reinhardt in Blade II] Hellboyz 2 Men; [Triple H as Jarko Grimwood in Blade: Trinity] I've Got Two Character Appropriate Words For Ya; [Jessica Biel as Abigail Whistler in Blade: Trinity] Bielby Driver; Techno (montage of techno music); Vampires Throwing Children at Blade and Then Running Away (montage of shots); and Hot Topic (Blade: You sell vampire merchandise? Shopkeeper: Yeah. Look around. We might have a few things.).
What He Slew In The Shadows
For everything bad about Blade: Trinity, it still gave us some of the best behind-the-scenes stories of all time.
Patton Oswalt: We were in Vancouver and Wesley Snipes was going crazy, he would only answer to the name 'Blade,' he would communicate with post-its, he would give to the director and each one he would sign 'Blade.'
- Writer Dan Murrell hadn't seen any of the Blade films until he watched the films for this Honest Trailer. He described himself as a "Blade virgin."
- Head writer Spencer Gilbert describes himself as a "Blade apologist" for loving the first two movies in the trilogy.
- Screen Junkies have also made Honest Trailers for several other pre-MCU Marvel films including Hulk (2003), The Spider-Man Trilogy, The X-Men Trilogy, Captain America (1990) and Daredevil. See list of Honest Trailers for more.
Honest Trailers - The Blade Trilogy has a 98.7% approval rating from YouTube viewers. CinemaBlend praised the Honest Trailer for reminding viewers of Blade's groundbreaking success as a comic book movie. In a similar vein, ScreenRant commended the Honest Trailer for pointing out "the incorrect notion that Black Panther is the first Marvel franchise featuring a black superhero." ScreenRant also said "This Honest Trailer nails all of the best jokes that can be made about the Blade Trilogy." Geek Tyrant also appreciated the Honest Trailer for reminding people "about these films and how good... and bad they were." In the same article, Geek Tyrant also noted "This Honest Trailer amusingly rips into the silly aspects of the film."
Production credits Edit
Voiceover Narration by Jon Bailey
Title design by Robert Holtby
Edited by Kevin Williamsen and TJ Nordaker
- The Blade Trilogy Gets an Honest Trailer - Bleeding Cool article
- Blade Trilogy Honest Trailer Highlights Wesley Snipes' Wonderfully Random Catch Phrases - CinemaBlend article
- Blade Is A Groundbreaking Superhero Trilogy in its Honest Trailer - ScreenRant article
- If You're a Fan of The BLADE Trilogy, You'll Enjoy This Latest Episode of HONEST TRAILERS - Geek Tyrant article