The Blair Witch Project (1999) is the 165th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Dan Murrell, Joe Starr and Andy Signore. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 1999 found-footage horror film The Blair Witch Project. It was published on September 6, 2016, to coincide with the theatrical release of the sequel Blair Witch. It is 4 minutes 50 seconds long. It has been viewed over 2.2 million times.
Watch Honest Trailers - The Blair Witch Project (1999) on YouTube
"A film that combines the pulse-pounding excitement... of backpacking in Maryland, with the breathtaking suspense... of amateur film production logistics." ~ Honest Trailers - The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Script[]
From the writer/directors (Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sánchez) who brought you this movie, and... n-not much else (pulls up Daniel Myrick's IMDb page, highlighting how five of his last 10 credits were for the Blair Witch franchise), comes the game-changing horror film that made back 20,000% of its budget (shows the film's total box office gross of $248,639,099, compared to its production budget of only $60,000), changed the face of the genre, and pissed off a generation of film school nerds who wish they'd thought of it first.
The Blair Witch Project
Before you watch the top secret sequel no one knew was coming... or asked for (Blair Witch), revisit the original loose collection of scenes about a bunch of kids wandering around the woods for 90 minutes...
Heather: 'Cause we're making a documentary.
Mike: Not about us getting lost. We're making a documentary about a witch.
...arguing about a map...
Josh: Give me the f*cking map.
Josh: I gave you back the map, Heather.
Heather: I gave you the map.
Josh: I gave you back the map.
Mike: Your map was useless!
Josh: If this was your own...
Mike: That map was useless!
Heather: It was useless to you!
...taking turns losing their sh*t...
Mike: (screams)
Josh: We ended up in the same place!
Heather: Just stop...
Josh: There's no one here to help you! That's your motivation!
Heather: If we get hurt or if we die out here, it's your f*cking fault!
...and then dying in a... shack, I think (?) (plays audio of Heather screaming), in a film that combines the pulse-pounding excitement... of backpacking in Maryland, with the breathtaking suspense... of amateur film production logistics.
Heather: How are we gonna get the DAT across? / How are we going to get the DAT across, then? / How are we going to get the DAT across?
NO ONE CARES!
Meet Heather, Mike, and Josh, three kids whose names you'll only remember because they're constantly yelling them at each other. (montage of Heather, Mike, and Josh calling out each other's names)
Josh: --you're going around doing your documentary thing, man. You're still...
Mike: Heather? Heather? Heather?
Watch as they practically beg for death by ignoring the warnings of locals...
Interviewee with Child: I don't go up there.
Heather: You don't go up there?
Interviewee with Child: Yeah, I believe enough not to go up there.
Heather: (chuckles)
...knocking over rock totems...
Heather: You didn't just knock that over. Please, tell me you didn't just knock that over.
...stealing voodoo dolls...
Josh: She left little trinkets. You f*cking took one of them.
...and going into a creepy old murder house; then again, the response to getting lost was walking for 15 hours with heavy packs in a random direction.
Heather: --"How to Stay Alive in the Woods", 'cause you never know what's going to happen.
They clearly did not read that.
So suit up for the fake snuff film that introduced the world to the scariest monster of all: viral Internet marketing (pulls up the website used to promote the film), as this fake film tricked the Internet into thinking its real actors were missing or dead (shows a fake missing poster featuring the film's three actors), and tricked America into believing something actually happened in this movie, leaving behind a minefield of future viral marketing campaigns. (shows material from the ARGs for The Dark Knight, Cloverfield, Prometheus, and Blair Witch) This movie basically invented catfishing; good job.
Heather: (tearing up while looking directly at the camera) I am so... so sorry.
Starring: Rocks; Sticks; A Clanging Noise; More Rocks; More Sticks; More... Clanging... Noises; Shaky Camera Shots of the Ground; Shaky Camera Shots of the Forest; Bad Camerawork; Camping; Crossing the Streams; A Black Screen...
Heather: (as the screen remains black) Hello?
...Not Showing You Things...
Heather: (while running away) OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT?!
...The Only Scene You Actually Remember from the Movie...
Heather: (crying while looking directly at the camera) I'm going to die out here.
...and This Guy's Back! (shows Mike seemingly standing in a corner facing the wall) That's it? That's the payoff? Man, how were we so scared by this thing?
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Honest title for The Blair Witch Project - Blairanormal Activity. Title design by Robert Holtby.
Mike: TURN THAT THING OFF!
Mike: Turn the camera off and get us home.
Heather: Maybe we're near the car.
Josh: Turn the camera off and give me the map.
Mike: Turn the camera off and get us home.
Mike: That's enough!
Josh: Stop taping! Please, stop taping!
Mike: Turn it off! Turn it off! We've got it!
Heather: Okay.
Seriously, please stop filming; this is getting hard to watch. (shows the camera falling to the ground as Heather is attacked) Ohh, thank God.
Trivia[]
- Screen Junkies have produced Honest Trailers for several other horror films including Happy Death Day, The Conjuring, Get Out, A Quiet Place, The Purge, It (2017), Halloween (1978) and Halloween (2018). See list of Honest Trailers for more.
- An Honest Trailer Commentary for this episode was recorded and was available on the Screen Junkies Plus until the website/app was discontinued. Screen Junkies don't currently have any way of releasing the video.
Reception[]
Honest Trailers - The Blair Witch Project (1999) has a 97.8% approval rating from YouTube viewers. Time appreciated the Honest Trailer's jokes about "the less-than-stellar choices of the movie’s three main characters." CinemaBlend found the Honest Trailer notable for critiquing the shaky cam, slow pace, and "viral marketing campaign, which not only left a lot of people feeling duped, but has been imitated by major blockbusters ever since." Slash Film agreed with the Honest Trailer that the characters appear clueless, but noted that trope is found in many horror films. In the same article, Slash Film completely disagreed with the Honest Trailer's "mockery that we considered this movie scary back in 1999." Slash Film wrote "Sure, you don’t actually see anything scary, but that’s a big part of what makes it so terrifying. Sometimes the unknown and the unseen is far more terrifying than any monster, spirit or demon you might see made from practical or digital effects."
Production credits[]
Video thumbnail for Honest Trailers - The Blair Witch Project
Voiceover Narration by Jon Bailey
Title design by Robert Holtby
Series Created by Andy Signore & Brett Weiner
Written by Spencer Gilbert, Dan Murrell, Joe Starr, & Andy Signore
Edited by Bruce Guido & TJ Nordaker
External links[]
- The Honest Trailer for The Blair Witch Project Asks Why It Scared Everyone So Much - Time article
- The Honest Trailer For The Blair Witch Project Is As Vicious As You'd Think, Watch It Now - CinemaBlend article
- Honest Trailers mocks Blair Witch Project - EW article
- ‘The Blair Witch Project’ Honest Trailer: Revisit the Horror Classic Before Seeing Adam Wingard’s Secret Sequel - IndieWire article
- ‘The Blair Witch Project’ Honest Trailer: The Movie That Basically Invented Catfishing - Slash Film article