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The Fifth Element is the 349th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 1997 science fiction action film The Fifth Element. It was published on June 9, 2020, as part of Blockbuster Summer, a special run of episodes in which Screen Junkies turned their attention to blockbusters both old and new. It is 6 minutes and 4 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.

Script Edit

This summer, we're getting honest about summer blockbusters past and present. This is Honest Trailers: Blockbuster Summer.

Are you ready for some big-budget sci-fi with huge explosions, crazy shootouts, and killer aliens? One 90's film had the courage to give you all that, plus be really horny.

Officer: (to McDonald's delivery girl) Thank you so much.

Really super-horny.

General Munro: I'd like to take a few pictures... for the archives.

(Ruby Rhod charms a woman to the point of orgasm)

The Fifth Element

Welcome to the future of America, a land full of smoking, toplessness, and rude waiters, to the point where you just know this movie was made by a bunch of French dudes. (shows images of Luc Besson, Jean-Claude Mezieres, Moebius, and Jean-Paul Gaultier) (in a snooty French accent) Hoho! Bien entendu. (Of course.) A huge ball of evil is on its way, and the only way to stop it is to gather the Power Stones of Earth, Air, Fire, and Water to summon CAPTAAAIIN PLANEEET!

Captain Planet: The power is yours!

I mean, THIIIS GIIIRL!

Leeloo: Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat.

Korben Dallas: That whole thing's your name, huh?

Meet Leeloo, a living weapon who has to be turned on before she turns on (Leeloo emits a beam of white light), and the best man for that job is Korben Dallas, the ultimate balance of Bruce Willis giving a sh*t and Bruce Willis not giving a sh*t about the movie he's currently in.

Police: Sir, are you classified as human?

Korben Dallas: Uh, negative. I am a meat Popsicle.

She might be the supreme being, but this right here? It's perfect Bruce.

(Dallas headshots an alien)

Korben Dallas: Anybody else wanna negotiate?

Welcome back to the party, pal! Love your frosted tips, by the way.

But they're not the only guardians of this galaxy. Thrill at ancient aliens with the land speed of a box turtle...

Priest: (as the Mondoshawan lumbers towards the door) --please hurry! You still have time!

...Jedi school dropouts who won't hesitate to knock you out and steal your identity...

Woman: Mr. Dallas?

David: Uh... Yeah.

...a Xenomorph who went to Julliard (Plavalaguna), and a government that is clearly no-holds-barred (shots of Thomas "Tiny" Lister Jr. as President Lindberg alongside shots of him as Zeus in No Holds Barred). But at the head of the parade is Ruby Rhod, a literal dickhead who, love him or hate him, predicted live-streaming and podcasts, and will go down in history as the best screamer in sci-fi (montage of Ruby Rhod screaming at the top of his lungs), and also one of the only people to go down in sci-fi.

Ruby Rhod: I don't want one position, I want all positions! (ducks to the ground)

Woman: <gasp!>

Personally, I think Chris Tucker killed it, but this is the role that Prince was born to play (a CoS article with the title "Prince was originally cast as Ruby Rhod in The Fifth Element" pops up, detailing how the artist declined because he thought the costume was "too effeminate"). (Ruby Rhod shoos his entourage away)

The clock is ticking, and that giant evil space nad is on a collision course with Earth, heralding its arrival with the power of ooooze. And this testicle has help on the inside: Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg. He's a bad guy with the power of capitalism...

Aide: They wondered if it'd be possible to fire 500,000.

Zorg: Fire one million.

...a gun that shoots all the things (montage of Zorg demonstrating the ZF-1's functions), and the yelling range of a fired-up Gary Oldman.

Zorg: Zero stones, ZERO CRATES!!!

Man, I can't wait to see him fight Bruce Willis in a climactic battle! Wait, do the hero and villain ever even meet each other in this movie? What?! No?! That even allowed to happen?

So if you're a fan of Star Wars' classic hero's journey, where a young man destined for greatness answers the call to action and accepts his fate to defeat an empire, strap in as Fifth Element takes you on the hero's midlife crisis, where a middle-aged man who hates his job answers the call to go on a cruise and accepts his fate to hook up with a lady half his age who doesn't speak English...

Leeloo: Leeloo Dallas. Multi-pass.

...in, depending on who you ask, either one of the best or the worst sci-fi films of the 90's, but is indisputably one of the weirdest, and is the most fun of Luc Besson's "childlike traumatized-but-badass lady sex object" series. (Léon: The Professional, The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc, La Femme Nikita, Anna, Lucy) Huh... But no matter how you feel about it, one thing is for certain: you'll never forget what the movie is called. (montage of characters saying "the fifth element")

Starring: Buzzed Lightbeer (Bruce Willis as Korben Dallas); What If God Was One of Us (Milla Jovovich as Leeloo); Chris Tucked (Chris Tucker as Ruby Rhod); Darth Bezos (Gary Oldman as Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg); Hold Me Closer Tiny Lister (Thomas "Tiny" Lister Jr. as President Lindberg); Priests in Spaaaaaaace (Ian Holm as Vito Cornelius); Blueyonce (Maïwenn Le Besco as Diva Plavalaguna); The Rubeyhive (Ruby Rhod's entourage); Lessons About Consent...

Korben Dallas: (as Leeloo puts a gun to his head) You're right, you're right, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done that.

...The Present Day NYPD (a cop car fires at Dallas's taxi); and This Mugger Who Wears a Picture of Korben's Hallway on His Head to Trick Him. No Joke Here, We Just Really Like the Guy. (Mathieu Kassovitz as Mugger) (starts dancing) I hope that dance catches on.

Laidrunner

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The honest title for The Fifth Element was 'Laidrunner'. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.

The ZF-1's got nothing on the greatest 90's toy of all time: the Eliminator TS-7!

Eliminator Announcer: I bring you seven awesome army weapons at once! The Power Dagger.

Zorg: Rocket launcher.

Eliminator Announcer: The Power Sword.

Zorg: Arrow launcher...

Eliminator Announcer: The Laser Sword.

Zorg: --net launcher.

Eliminator Announcer: The Army Machine Gun.

Zorg: --flamethrower.

Eliminator Announcer: The Bayonet Machine Gun.

Zorg: --ice-cube system.

Eliminator Announcer: The Cyber Gun.

(Zorg demonstrates the ZF-1)

Eliminator Announcer: Alone, they're incredible. But together, they're unstoppable!

Hell yeah!

Viewer's Comments Edit

Please say: "Thank you for bringing back Blockbuster Summer!" - Lee Anderson

Please say "Let your conscience be your guide" - Mohammed Shams

Please say "Black Lives Matter!" - melanie

Trivia Edit

Reception Edit

Production Credits Edit

Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy

Written by: Spencer GilbertJoe StarrDanielle Radford & Lon Harris

Produced by: Spencer Gilbert & Joe Starr

Edited by: Kevin Williamsen

Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand

Supervising Producer: Max Dionne

Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole

Executive Producer: Roth Cornet

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