The New Mutants is the 373rd episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2020 superhero horror film The New Mutants. It was published on November 24, 2020. It is 5 minutes and 50 seconds long. It has been viewed over 1 million times.
Script []
From 20th Century F-- Studios -- Okay, that just looks wrong. -- comes a film that was set to be released in 2018 (a CNET article with the title "Fans of the 'X-Men' universe, 2018 is going to be your year" pops up), until it got delayed to avoid Deadpool 2 (a Collider article with the title "'Deadpool 2' to Hit Theaters Early, But 'New Mutants' Delayed to 2019" pops up), delayed again to avoid Dark Phoenix (a Geek Vibes Nation article with the title "'New Mutants' Reportedly Delayed Again" pops up), delayed again after Disney acquired Fox (a COMICON article with the title "The New Mutants Loses Its Third Release Date As Disney Updates Film Calendar" pops up), delayed again thanks to the 'rona (a Polygon article with the title "The New Mutants delayed yet again due to coronavirus concerns" pops up), and after all that buildup and anticipation... looks like the fourth-best superhero movie of 1995. (posters of Batman Forever, Tank Girl, Judge Dredd, and Darkman II: The Return of Durant pop up, with The New Mutants replacing Darkman II) <clapping> Woo! Woo-hoo!
The New Mutants
It's been a long, strange trip at the movies for X-Men fans, from good, to great, to bad, to worse.
Apocalypse: Learning...
Now, roll the dice and enter a virus-filled theater (a tweet from Cinemark pops up showing a worker spraying down seats) to see what kind of X-perience will bring the Fox era to a close, then watch them crap out like the last turd in a dump before Kevin Feige can flush the whole thing down the toilet. WHSSSSH! (an IndieWire article with the title "Kevin Feige Says 'It Will Be a Very Long Time' Until the X-Men Join the Marvel Cinematic Universe" pops up)
Meet the New Mutants, who you'll come to wish were some kind of suicide squad. There's Sam, the Kentucky boy with the personality of a coal lump...
Sam: You know, I had to go and work in the mines of my dad.
Rahne: (to Dani) Had to drop out to work in the mines of his dad.
Rahne: What's the coal for?
Sam: My dad gave it to me.
...Roberto, the human popped collar (shows images of Roberto with a popped collar); a de-aged Arya Stark who can warg into her direwolf; Dani Moonstar, a girl who lives by that one Native American proverb fitness influencers post on their Instagram (a post from PumpUpInspo pops up with the quote "Inside every person, there are two bears. I asked him 'Which one wins?' He answered 'The one you feed.'"); and Illyana, who hates being trapped in the facility, but since she can teleport, must be sticking around for the racism.
Illyana: (to Dani) This isn't the hospital, Pocahontas.
Illyana: You don't know how to grow weed, do you?
Dani: No.
Illyana: Hmph. What kind of Indian are you?
Illyana: (to Dani) Hey, Standing Rock. You want a buffalo wing?
Experience a superhero movie that redefines "low-budget", where they barely even use their powers...
Sam: Use your powers!
Illyana: I CAN'T!
...replay scenes from Logan, and save money by not hiring a dialect coach.
Sam: (in a wavering accent) I'm seeing things! Terrible nightmares!
Illyana: (in a wavering accent) Lions and tigers and bears, oh my.
You'll thrill when Dani arrives at Xavier's empty off-brand mutant teaching hospital, a place with exactly one employee so the only Latino student has to do the cleaning. (shows Roberto listening to music while washing dishes) Together, this party of five will undergo the old "mutation equals puberty" metaphor...
Dani: What's happening to me...?
...plus the usual angst and horniness that comes with making teens live together (shows scenes of the characters either kissing or yelling in rage), all while the evil Dr. Reyes undergoes her sinister treatment plan: telling them all to chill a bunch of times.
Dr. Reyes: Get some rest, okay? / This will relax you. / Relax, Dani. / Calm down! I want all of you to calm down. / Control... control... aaand... control.
Okay, is anything actually going to happen in this movie, like a Mister Sinister reveal (a Den of Geek article with the title "New Mutants Planned as Trilogy, Included Mister Sinister" pops up, detailing how the villain Mister Sinister would have appeared in a post-credits scene), or an X-Men cameo? Oh, maybe a demon smoke bear ex machina! (the Demon Bear mauls Dr. Reyes to death) Okay, the last one was a joke, you guys! What the f*ck were you thinking?!
Do you like horror? No? Good; neither does this movie.
Roberto: Ooh, scary.
Illyana: Are you scared?
Roberto: No.
But every twenty minutes, they'll remember It was popular once, so they might as well try some childhood trauma hallucinations, where each mutant gets a PG-13 spooky flashback, but without the scary clown to make it all work. And... that's the movie. They meet up, learn about each other's fears, then a bear pops out. You might as well watch Buffy instead; they certainly do. (shows the group watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer) Are we going to get copyright-claimed for this?
So try to enjoy a film that feels like a long pilot episode for a show that CW passed on, that manages to be one-quarter-assed horror flick, one-quarter-assed Breakfast Club, one-quarter-assed YA romance, and one-quarter-assed superhero movie. And when you add all that up, you get something that's 100% complete ass. (violent coughing) I can't believe... that I killed my grandma off to see this movie...
Starring: Well Well Well If It Isn't Slipknot, the Dad Who Can Climb Anything (Adam Beach as William Lonestar); Dreeeeeeamweaver (Blu Hunt as Danielle "Dani" Moonstar/Mirage); Yes Hello, This is Dog (Maisie Williams as Rahne Sinclair/Wolfsbane); I Don't Want Your Life (Charlie Heaton as Samuel "Sam" Guthrie/Cannonball); In Mother Russia, Wig Wears You! (Anya Taylor-Joy as Illyana Rasputin/Magik); Flame On! Flame Off! Flame Off! (Henry Zaga as Roberto "Bobby" da Costa/Sunspot); Gives Good Domes (Alice Braga as Dr. Cecilia Reyes); Nightmare at the Roxbury (Dustin Ceithamer and Marilyn Manson as The Smiley Men); Da Bear (Demon Bear); and I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It, the Taste of Her Hairy Dog Lip (Dani and Rahne kissing).
Teenage Mutants Facing Hurdles
The honest title for The New Mutants was ‘Teenage Mutants Facing Hurdles’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Okay, Dani can see into people's fears, but not into the future. So when she sees those clips from Logan in Dr. Reyes' head, is she scared of that scene happening, or did they just screw up the X-Men timeline again just for old time's sake? Aww, you guys! I'm not going to miss you at all.
Viewer's Comments []
Say "Roses are red, storm clouds are gray, there is no war in Ba Sing Se." - Marcus Ho
Say: "I'm an otter... with a dark side." - Andrew Haase
Damn! I can't think of anything for him to say - kgm kumar171
Trivia []
Reception []
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford & Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert & Joe Starr
Edited by: Randy Whitlock
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Executive Producer: Roth Cornet