The Old Guard is the 359th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2020 superhero film The Old Guard. It was published on August 18, 2020. It is 4 minutes and 59 seconds long. It has been viewed over 1 million times.
Watch Honest Trailers - The Old Guard on YouTube
"Meet the Old Guard, a team of immortal mercenaries who can revive themselves with the power of moaning and grunting real hard." ~ Honest Trailer - The Old Guard
Script []
From the streaming studio (Netflix) with an infinite money code comes a film made for the new home of action blockbusters: your couch.
The Old Guard
You've seen Netflix churn out disposable rom-coms (The Kissing Booth 2, Desperados, Love Wedding Repeat, and The Wrong Missy), Oscar-baiting dramas (The Irishman, Marriage Story, The Two Popes, and Roma), and the home movies from Adam Sandler's least hilarious vacations (Murder Mystery, The Do-Over, and The Week Of). Now, whatever A.I. they use to make programming decisions has found a new way to make you look up from your phone for two minutes so they can count it as a view: take an A-list star and cram them into a B-movie action flick -- (Extraction) Nope, not that one. (6 Underground) Not that one. (Spenser Confidential) Not that one... (Triple Frontier) Not that one... (The Old Guard) There it is! -- as the studio spends big money on talent and uses whatever's left to cram action into an affordably tiny space. (montage of action scenes in small, tight locations) Don't you guys want to go fight outside? Such a nice day...
Meet the Old Guard, a team of immortal mercenaries who can revive themselves with the power of moaning and grunting real hard. (montage of characters moaning in pain while healing) Urgh... Just got to... resurrect my pancreas... real quick. Mmm! Crap... Rebirth cramp! <wince!> These Illumi-hotties have lived for hundreds to thousands of years, with a burning desire to do good, even though they're really bad at it...
Andy: We've done nothing. The world isn't getting any better. It's getting worse.
...because instead, they spent an eternity learning Krav Maga, boning celebrities...
Nile: (to Andy) Is this a Rodin? Did you know him?
Booker: Probably biblically.
Andy: (slugs Booker's shoulder and smiles)
...and developing their palate.
Andy: Hazelnut, not walnut. The Black Sea. Rosewater. Pomegranate. Eastern Turkey.
Booker: OW!
Joe: (laughs)
They're not even that good at fighting! Normies get the drop on them all the time! (montage of characters suffering mortal wounds from ordinary humans) This is just poor immortal time management.
Meet team leader Andy, in a role that lets Charlize stretch her range from world-weary...
Nicky: We can do some good.
Andy: Some good means nothing.
...to exhausted...
Andy: I gave up searching for her.
...to a mean old Grumplestiltskin...
Andy: The world can burn for all I care.
...as she straddles the crossroads of being the next Keanu Reeves or being the next Gerard Butler of action movies. She's the leader of an unable-to-commit-suicide squad, featuring newcomer Nile, a Marine trained in exposition...
Nile: So why is this happening to me? / How are you all in my dreams? / What's happening?
...Booker, who... likes books...
Booker: Ooh, first edition Don Quixote.
Andy: Mm-hm.
...and a pair of passionately medieval warrior lovers.
Joe: He's the moon when I'm lost in darkness and warmth when I shiver in cold. And his kiss still thrills me, even after a millennia.
Ugh, as if eternal life wasn't already enough of a curse; imagine spending it single next to a lovey-dovey couple.
Nicky: --incurable romantic. (Nicky and Joe kiss)
Kill me... Together, Charlize's Angels will find their very own Bosley and unite to take down a guy who combines the dickishness of Mark Zuckerberg from The Social Network with the wardrobe of Justin Timberlake from The Social Network.
So strap in for a history-spanning epic full of intense action scenes, except the heroes have every advantage, and the villains are chump underdogs with zero chance, that proves an all-female crew behind the camera (a Hollywood Reporter article with the title "Netflix's 'Old Guard' Was Built By a Post-Production Team Made Up of 85 Percent Women" pops up) can get it done just as well as the fellas, but, due to the realities of streaming budgets, mostly takes place in small rooms next to something more exciting...
Nile: I thought you said we were going to Paris.
Andy: We're just outside of Paris.
Booker: I found an address, just outside of London.
Nile: What is this place?
Andy: An abandoned mine.
(a clip from The Simpsons episode "Cape Feare" is shown of a theater marquee reading "NOW PLAYING - ERNEST GOES SOMEWHERE CHEAP")
"Ernest": Wow, the "pooblic libary"!
...and pumps the brakes on the thrills to set up some sequels, 'cause Netflix's Skynet has already foreseen this will become your new favorite franchise, and resistance is futile.
Andy: Then let's go to work.
But hey, we all love Charlize Theron and axes! What could go wrong? (a Netflix results page pops up showing Snow White and the Huntsman) Riiight...
Starring: Charlize Eon (Charlize Theron as Andy/Andromache of Scythia); If Beale Street Couldn't Die (KiKi Layne as Nile Freeman); Schmuck Everlasting (Matthias Schoenaerts as Booker/Sebastian Le Livre); Jafar and Away the Cutest (Marwan Kenzari as Joe/Yusuf Al-Kaysani); Mediterranean Sniper (Luca Marinelli as Nicky/Nicolo di Genova); Chiwetel Edgiolord (Chiwetel Ejiofor as James Copley); Pharma Bro (Harry Melling as Steven Merrick); and Iron Maiden? Excellent! (a shot of an underwater iron maiden in use)
Bad Boys for Life
The honest title for The Old Guard was ‘Bad Boys for Life’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Andy: Go big or go home.
Thousands of years old, and that's your big catchphrase? See, that's why you carry around a little notebook to jot ideas down on the go.
Viewer's Comments []
Say: This tea is nothing more than hot leaf juice! - TVBnine
please say "if life isn't a video game stop giving me fetch quests, mother" - tulkaskiki25
Please say "THE NEW CHALUPA BOX FROM TACO BELL!" - Eddie The Okay
Trivia []
Reception []
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford & Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert & Joe Starr
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Supervising Producer: Max Dionne
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Executive Producer: Roth Cornet