The Rock is the 354th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 1996 action-thriller film The Rock. It was published on July 14, 2020, as part of Blockbuster Summer, a special run of episodes in which Screen Junkies turned their attention to blockbusters both old and new. It is 4 minutes and 57 seconds long. It has been viewed over 10,000 times.
This summer, we're getting honest about summer blockbusters past and present. This is Honest Trailers: Blockbuster Summer.
From Disney (Hollywood Pictures), and the Criterion Collection's Michael Bay (shows The Rock's page on the Criterion Collection website), comes The Best Title Drop in a Movie: Nic Cage Division.
Lula: --wild at heart...
Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom: Welcome to Con Air.
Sean Archer as Castor Troy: I'd like to take his face... off.
Capt. Mason: Welcome to the Rock.
Alcatraz has been captured by terrorists, and San Francisco is in the crosshairs. Now, the only way to stop a dangerously unstable chemical weapon is with a chemically unstable dangerous man.
Agent Goodspeed: I just-- I wanna find some rockets.
Meet Stanley Goodspeed. He's a scared little dork/badass adrenaline junkie/Beatles freak whose big one-liner is an... Elton John song?
Agent Goodspeed: You're the Rocket Man.
But don't worry; this irrational character makes perfect sense, because he's being played by 90's Nic Cage.
Agent Goodspeed: What do you say we cut the chitchat, a-hole?!
Although, that's only because they couldn't get... Arnold Schwarzenegger?! (an Empire article with the title "Arnie on Declining Die Hard & The Rock" pops up) What?! That makes even less sense!
Agent Goodspeed: --how, in the name of Zeus's BUTTHOLE(!)...
(in a heavy Austrian accent) "How in the name of Zeus's butthole?!" Yeah, just doesn't work.
To take the Rock, they need a man who knows it inside and out, from its Mega Man-style flame traps to the elaborate network of tunnels underneath, which seemed stupid at the time, until they turned out to be real twenty years after the movie came out?! (an SFGate article with the title "There are hidden buildings and tunnels below Alcatraz's prison yard, study finds" pops up) Help will come in the form of Mason, John Mason, a man who demands you shut up and listen while he's talking, 'cause he adds a "Shh!" to every word.
Capt. Mason: ...of Her Majesty's S.A.S. Retired, of course.
Together, they'll take on the rogue general Frank Hummel, a retired war hero who's getting WAY too nice for this sh*t --
Gen. Hummel: I need you to tell your teacher that you need to get back on the boat and go home right now. / --you're being detained against your will. For that, I apologize. / No one has to die here. / I'm not ready to kill these people. / I'm not about to kill 80,000 innocent people. Do you think I'm out of my f*cking mind? / The mission's over.
How did this kindly old man survive Vietnam? -- and everyone's supported by a boat's worth of badass character actors, who get to look cool and say a couple of lines.
Agent Paxton: What do you have, a f*ckin' water pistol?
Cmdr. Anderson: You know goddamn well I can't give that order.
Capt. Darrow: I want my f*cking money!
Now, these guys? These are my Avengers, right here! (shows images of Michael Biehn, William Forsythe, David Morse, Tony Todd, Steve Harris, John C. McGinley, Bokeem Woodbine, and Greogry Sporleder in the movie)
Get ready for Michael Bay to turn the Bay Area into the "Bay" Area, with his signature explosions, U.S. military fetish, and love of wheelchair athletes (shows clips of people in wheelchairs in Bad Boys, The Rock, and Pain & Gain) -- Huh. Never noticed that one before. -- because this movie about a chemical nerd and an old spy saving the day doesn't even start until after a whole other action movie about them teaming up, in a film with so many well-directed action scenes, you'll dare to ask, "Is this what a good Michael Bay movie looks like?" And to that, we say, "Yes." (a jet flies away after a bomb explodes) Come to think of it, all of Bay's best stuff is Rock-based.
Paul Doyle: (after putting his badly-damaged foot on a table) Oh! Oh! They got my toe, Danny! They got my toe!
Daniel Lugo: Jesus!
Paul Doyle: Can they reattach it?
So do a little bit better than your best...
Capt. Mason: Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*ck the prom queen.
...for an onscreen clusterf*ck that was only matched by the one going on offscreen, with Sorkin and Tarantino being brought in for rewrites, co-producers OD'ing on cocaine during production (Don Simpson's obituary appears), and Bay walking off his own movie till they agreed to spend millions on a 30-second underwater scene. Basically, this moment, but cool.
Michael Bay: Um, I take-- I try to take... people on an emotional ride, and, um... Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (walks off the stage)
Starring: We Have No Choice But to Stanley (Nicolas Cage as FBI Special Agent Dr. Stanley Goodspeed); Double Old Seven (Sean Connery as SAS Captain John Patrick Mason); General Grievance (Ed Harris as Brigadier General Francis X. "Frank" Hummel, USMC Force Recon); Navy Biehn (Michael Biehn as Commander Charles Anderson, USN SEAL); Who Can Take a Nerve Gas? Turn Your Face to Goo? Hold a City Ransom For a Million Bucks or Two. The Candy Man Can. (Tony Todd as Captain Darrow, USMC Force Recon); What a Cox (Brendan Kelly as Private Cox, USMC Force Recon); Jonathan Van Less (Anthony Clark as Paul the Hotel Barber); Baaaaalllls (the VX gas); and "Gentlemen" (montage of characters saying the word "gentlemen").
Hey fellas, if your girl asks you to communicate more in the bedroom, this is not what they mean.
Agent Goodspeed: (while having sex with his wife) That's interesting. That's very compelling. You're just an amaretto cream with peach sorbet persuasion. Naughty, naughty--
Viewer's Comments Edit
In honor of the passing of Charlie Daniels, please say in his voice, "The Devil went down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal." - Charlie Johnson
- The first (and only) comment on the viewer's comments pays tribute to Charlie Daniels, the country musician best known for the song "The Devil Went Down to Georgia", who passed away on July 6, 2020 at the age of 83 due to a hemorrhagic stroke.
Production Credits Edit
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert & Joe Starr
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Supervising Producer: Max Dionne
Associate Producer: Ryan O'Toole
Executive Producer: Roth Cornet