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The Witcher is the 335th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2019 Netflix show The Witcher. It was published on March 3, 2020. It is 5 minutes and 32 seconds long. It has been viewed over 3.3 million times.

Script Edit

Based on the books you've been meaning to read, that got spun off into games you've been meaning to finish, comes a series that's meant to be the next Game of Thrones... but ended up more like the next Xena: Warrior Princess. (Xena rides ahead, yelling her infamous battle cry) I ain't mad at it.

The Witcher

Get ready for the most-watched Netflix show ever, because it changed how they count the views (an Engadget article pops up with the title "Netflix changes how it counts viewing popularity, pumps up 'The Witcher'", detailing how viewing stats grew by 35% for some titles), as you enter a sprawling fantasy world that seems pretty complicated on the surface, but boils down to a vaguely Polish Tolkien... with swears.

Yennefer: F*ck.

Yarpen Zigrin: Well, that f*cking s*****d!

Torque: Did your mother f*ck a snowman?! (Geralt punches him out)

When there's something strange in your bog or woods, who ya gonna call? A witcher...

Marilka: You don't scare me.

Geralt: That's too bad.

...highly-trained mutant killing machines who every moron in the land wants to pick a fight with for some reason.

Blaviken Soldier: You mutant son of a bitch. (Geralt stabs him)

Toruviel: (in Elder) Beast! (Geralt headbutts her)

Giant Bald Guard: Did not know you were a witcher. I've always wanted to play with one. (Geralt knocks him out with a coin purse)

Ride along with the titular witcher, Geralt, as Henry Cavill mean-mugs his way through the Continent, searching for the minimum number of syllables required to carry a series. (montage of Geralt mumbling and swearing)

Jaskier: You must have some review for me, three words or less.

Geralt: ...

His destiny will be tied to Ciri, a Baby Yoda with the power of screamo (Ciri uses her super-scream to immobilize a soldier and collapse a pillar); Yennefer, a girl who left the Hogwarts-to-deep-state-mage pipeline to go live by her own rules... selling boner weed (a man chokes on Yennefer's smoke, then notices a massive erection); and tagging along is the foppish bard character who everyone hates...

Jaskier: My name is Julian Alfred Pankratz...

Yarpen Zigrin: Aye.

Geralt: DAMMIT, JASKIER!

Jaskier: Oh, please, not the lute--! Hmph...

(Geralt gives Jaskier a punch to the crotch)

...with a song or two that everyone begrudgingly admits is actually pretty good.

Jaskier: (singing) Toss a coin to your witcher!

Huh. I guess even fantasy realms have to deal with their own version of John Mayer.

Jaskier: (singing) O Valley of PE-nis! Oh, God!

That sucks.

Watch the action, drama, and complete lack of comedy unfold across a typical episode, where Geralt comes across a problem he doesn't want to get involved in...

Borch Three Jackdaws: I want you to join my team.

Geralt: No.

...then totally gets involved in it...

Geralt: I'm in.

..while Ciri runs through some woods boringly, Yennefer's dress comes off, then we switch timelines, only you don't realize it since half the characters don't age, so just enjoy an awesome sword fight (Awesome swordfighting action!); some, uh, cool magic sometimes, I guess (?); out come Yennefer's boobs again; and at the end of the day, it turns out man was the real monster all along. It's a formula I can totally get beh-- Oh, the next one's already started!

So if you ever wanted a show to put images in your head that would match the phrase "porcupine wedding", "sexy hunchback", or "magical hysterectomy" (Yennefer lets out a bloodcurdling scream), then you are super-weird like us, and we finally have a show to enjoy together, because if Peak TV was all about 12-hour movies you have to binge all at once to appreciate, then I welcome the return of shows that can say "Tonight on Witcher, meet a bog monster who's also... a beautiful lady?! Coming up after an all-new Buffy, only on UPN!"

Starring: Silent But Deadly (Henry Cavill as Geralt of Rivia); The Hunchback of Notre Daaaaaamn (Anya Chalotra as Yennefer of Vengerberg); Hey Ciri *Siri noise* (Freya Allan as Cirilla "Ciri" Fiona Elen Riannon); My Ballads Bring All the Coins to the Bard (Joey Batey as Julian Alfred Pankratz/Jaskier); Blood Sugar Ex Magick (Royce Pierreson as Istredd); Baths (shots of characters taking a bath); Beheadings (montage of characters having their heads leave their bodies); Barf (montage of characters throwing up); Boobs (shots of female characters exposing themselves); Midsommar (a couple having sex while an audience applauds); Whisper Voicessss (montage of people hearing voices whispering to them; Magic Tree: What are you, child?); Talking About Coin...

Marilka: How much coin for your kikimora, then?

Geralt: You seem to find coin pretty charming, yourself.

Adon: I'll have enough coin to rebuild our house.

Jaskier: ...10% of all your coin...

Geralt: He fled with their coin...

Yennefer: My coin...

Geralt: My coin... / Coin...

...Talking About Destiny...

Renfri/Shrike: You don't believe in destiny...

Ciri: I have to find my destiny.

Mousesack: It's your destiny.

Queen Calanthe: He is your destiny.

Renfri/Shrike: She's your destiny.

Eithné: Destiny...

Geralt: Destiny...

King Eist Tuirseach: Destiny...

Queen Calanthe: Destiny...

Ostrit: Destiny...

Triss Merigold: Destiny...

(clips of characters saying "destiny")

Geralt: Destiny can go f-- (interrupted by a woman vomiting) F*ck.

...and That Song You Finally Got Out of Your Head.

Tavern: (singing) Toss a coin to your witcher! A friend of humanityyyyyyy!

...And it's back.

The Hair Witch Project

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The honest title for The Witcher was 'The Hair Witch Project'. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.

Okay, you just buried a baby at low tide, barely an inch into the sand. You might as well just chuck him into the ocean if you're not going to put some elbow grease into it!

G.O.B.: Return from whence you came! (throws a dead dove into the ocean)

Viewer's Comments Edit

Please say: "I'm the honest voice guy, and I approve this message" - nightcrawler114

Please say: volleyball is just professional hot potato - Jamie Jacobson

Please say: "GET OVER HERE!!!" - Kei Ikawa

Please say: On nom nom nom nom nom nom! - David Samudio

Please say: "Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!" - Elizabeth Athineu

Please say "Never give up and good luck will find you." - Irontusk341

Trivia Edit

Reception Edit

Production Credits Edit

Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy

Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, Danielle Radford & Lon Harris

Produced by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, & Max Dionne

Edited by: Kevin Williamsen

Post-Production Supervisor: Kevin Williamsen

Production Coordinator: Ryan O'Toole

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