Titanic (2023 Remaster) is the 483rd episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, Lon Harris, and Drew Grant. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. An update of the original Honest Trailer from 2012, it parodies the 1997 epic romance and disaster film Titanic, including several new references and jokes. It was published on February 14, 2023, to coincide with the film's theatrical re-release in celebration of its 25th anniversary and Valentine's Day. It is 6 minutes and 49 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
Titanic is returning to theaters for its 25th anniversary, giving dudes everywhere an easy way to seal the deal this Valentine's Day. Now, settle in for a remastered Honest Trailer of the one we made back in 2012, because some things have changed since then... but honestly not that much.
Gannon Nickell: Together, their undying love made James Cameron filthy f*cking rich.
Titanic (2023 Remastered Edition)
When this sheet of paper survives 80 years at the bottom of the ocean... somehow, this 100-year-old will explain where the priceless jewel between her bewbs went, in a film that dares to imagine, "What if your grandma's rambling stories were actually interesting?" --
Old Rose: It was the most erotic moment of my life...
Ma'am, that is your granddaughter. (zooms in on Rose's granddaughter, Lizzy Calvert) -- but it's such an epic tale, you'll barely even wonder how she knows what everyone else was saying at all times. (in an "old woman" voice) "While I was being plowed in the back seat of a coupé de ville, a lookout was chatting about his special nose."
Frederick Fleet: You know, I can smell ice, you know. When it's near.
"...Anyway, back to the sex."
Welcome aboard the Titanic, a ship inspired by your mom.
J. Bruce Ismay: She is the largest moving object ever made by the hand of man in all history.
Lewis: And that's a big a*s. We're talking 20, 30,000 tons.
Tour the extremely British upper decks...
Second Officer Charles Lightoller: (aiming a gun at the passengers) Keep order here! Keep order, I say.
...the ethnic stereotypes below...
Tommy: I'm Tommy Ryan.
Fabrizio: Fabrizio.
Tommy: --boyo.
...and the mole people below even them.
Chief Engineer Joseph Bell: (to the other engineers) --stoke her right up! We go full ahead!
Then, welcome aboard young Rose, a once and future drama queen.
Old Rose: (narrating) To me, it was a slave ship... ...taking me back to America in chains.
Okay, relax. Watch as this 17-year-old risks it all, and throws caution to the wind, because you never know how long you've got until Leonardo DiCaprio leaves you for a literal child.
Jack: (to Cora) You're still my best girl, Cora.
Hmm, not getting the best vibes from this guy. (shows Jack's sketch of a grandfather touching his naked granddaughter) Mmmm...
Leo squints his way into every millennial girl's heart as Jack Dawson, while he drags Rose into a whirlwind romance, literally. (montage of Jack dragging Rose along while yelling at her to "Come on!") He's impossibly hot, hopelessly romantic, and completely devoted to a woman he spent, like, twelve hours with, tops; he even dropped his Wisconsin accent to be more attractive.
Jack: I grew up there, near Chippewa Falls. (a graphic pops up showing the location of Chippewa Falls in Wisconsin)
(in a Wisconsin accent) "And as I was saying, that water there is cold enough to freeze your pooper off, don't cha know."
Thrill as Jack and Rose deal with her fiancé Cal, the Monopoly Guy with better hair...
Cal: We are royalty, Rose.
...even though Billy Zane is the only man who looks better bald (shows Billy Zane as the bald Brad in Poetic Justice); escape from Rose's evil mother, who... lost her husband and doesn't want to live in poverty? What a *bleep*! (shows Rose irritating Ruth by blowing cigarette smoke at her); pal around with Molly Brown, literally the only nice rich person on board...
Molly: (while dressing Jack in a tuxedo) (whistle) You shine up like a new penny.
...and set sail with the captain, who is just one voyage short of retirement.
J. Bruce Ismay: Retire with a bang, eh, E.J.?
You people can't just go around foreshadowing like that and expect not to die!
Cal: It is unsinkable. God Himself could not sink this ship--
Thomas Andrews: She's all the lifeboat you need.
J. Bruce Ismay: But this ship can't sink.
Jack: (to Fabrizio) We're the luckiest sons of b*tches in the world! You know that?!
Jinx! (shows one of the ship's funnels falling and crushing a group of passengers, including Fabrizio)
Strap in for a perfect split between romance and disaster, plus the horror film rule where, if you have sex outside of marriage, a monster rises from the deep to kill everyone you love, as the Titanic goes down in stunning detail, handing out hundreds of deaths that range from heartbreaking (shows an elderly couple in their final embrace as their cabin is flooded), to kinda funny (shows a passenger falling, then hitting a propeller with a "Bonk!" sound effect), to pretty unnecessary, since that piece of wood was clearly big enough for two.
Rose: (as Jack freezes in the icy water) Jack... (shakes Jack)
I know it's poetic, Mr. Cameron, but this is the Internet; you get one small detail wrong, and no one will shut up about it for 25 years. (multiple articles pop up detailing various science experiments proving Jack could have survived with Rose)
Adam Savage: 80% of my body is out of the water.
Jamie Hyneman: I think Jack's death was needless.
(Presenter's name here): Everybody in here knows that she should've got up off that bed and--and shared it with him.
Josh Horowitz: Could Jack have fit on that door at the end of Titanic?
Kate Winslet: Oh, my gosh.
Leonardo DiCaprio: No comment.
Brad Pitt: (laughs)
Brad Pitt: I would've shared the raft. (the crowd laughs)
James Cameron: I've never really seen it as a debate; it's just stupid.
[25 Years Later]
Lara Spencer: Cameron's verdict?
James Cameron: Jack might've lived.
YES! I knew it! I never let go, Jack! I never let go...
So revisit the film that's the Rosetta Stone of James Cameron's true passions -- checking out cool animals, putting Kate Winslet underwater, and using his movies as an excuse to dick around with submarines -- in this three-hour epic that turns a real tragedy into the backdrop for a made-up romance, a genre that could be amazing when it works (shows Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara kissing as Atlanta burns in Gone with the Wind), but it usually doesn't.
1Lt. Rafe McCawley (Pearl Harbor): (to Lt. Evelyn Johnson) You are just so... (Evelyn reacts in shock as the cork from a bottle hits Rafe in his already-broken nose)
Never forget. (shows Tyler Hawkins staring out at New York from the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001 in the 2010 film Remember Me)
Starring: The Departed (Leonardo DiCaprio as Jack Dawson); These Rose Ain't Loyal (Kate Winslet as Rose DeWitt Bukater); 90 Day Fiancé (Billy Zane as Caledon "Cal" Hockley); Hey Grandpa, Uhh, You Might Want to Sit Down for This (Suzy Amis as Lizzy Calvert); Yarrr Bring Me the Heart of the Ocean Yarrr (Bill Paxton as Brock Lovett); Leak End at Bernie's (Bernard Hill as Captain Edward John Smith); Brown vs. Boat of Transportation (Kathy Bates as Margaret "Molly" Brown); The #1 Quote of 1997...
Jack: I'M THE KING OF THE WOOORLD!
...The #1 Song of 1997 ("My Heart Will Go On" by Céline Dion); and The #1 Opinion of Boys in 1997.
Brock: ...I've thought of nothing except Titanic. But I never got it.
It Sinks!
The honest title for Titanic (2023 Remaster) was ‘It Sinks!’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Did you know that Johnny Depp turned down the role of Jack? (shows Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio in What's Eating Gilbert Grape) Pfft! (montage comparing scenes between this film and Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl) Johnny Depp in a doomed romance at sea, playing a hero named Jack, with a spoiled rich girl running away from her problems, looking for a mythical treasure, being pursued by arrogant British aristocrats? (chuckles) That would never work...
Viewer's Comments[]
Say: Draw me like one of your French girls - Hannah Nguyen
Please say "I'm the king of the world, WOOOOOOOO!" - Cooper Hall
Say: This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps! - Spsuperstar
Please say, "Will you be my Valentine? Smoochie, smoochie." 💪😘 💋💕 - Easter Fools
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, Lon Harris, and Drew Grant
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Supervisor: Emin Bassavand
Post-Production Coordinator: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Assistant Editor: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne