Total Recall (1990) is the 318th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 1990 science-fiction action film Total Recall. It was published on October 22, 2019, to coincide with the theatrical release of Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest film at the time of posting, Terminator: Dark Fate. It is 4 minutes and 32 seconds long. It has been viewed over 800k times.
Watch Honest Trailers - Total Recall (1990) on YouTube
"Yeesh; I hope this is all a dream, and Richter's just some guy who spit in Quaid's drink at a Chili's or something..." ~ Honest Trailers - Total Recall (1990)
Script []
From Paul Verhoeven, the director who satirized corporatism in the film where a robot cop shoots crooks in the dick (RoboCop), satirized militarism in the film where the beefcake troop kills aliens real cool (Starship Troopers), and satirized sexism in the movie where the strippers hump-fight their way to the top (Showgirls), the king of having his cake and eating it too will satirize colonialism in the action flick where the beefcake does some humping, then shoots the dicks off everyone on Mars.
Total Recall... the good one.
Strap in for a mind-bending trip to the future, that's going through a big 90's retro craze, apparently (shows Tiffany talking with McClane using a video phone and Lori and Melina fighting in front of a fridge full of cans of Pepsi and Barq's, with their 1987 logos prominently displayed), and see a prophetic vision of today's society, where people can't afford a real vacation, the robots took 'er jerbs, and going outside will kill you. (shows Cohaagen suffocating to death in the Martian atmosphere) But hey, at least we're not paying for oxygen these days, right? Then we'd really know we were in a dystopia! (shows an Amazon page with "recreational oxygen" for sale) <sigh> Oh well; if this is our future, at least I won't be the only one with a third nip in the jacuzz. (shows Mary exposing her three breasts to Quaid)
Meet Douglas Quaid, a man who can't tell fantasy from reality, like some other Quaids you may know. (shows Randy Quaid as Russell Casse in Independence Day)
Randy Quaid: (singing) Goooood bless Americaaa...
He's either a mind-wiped super spy with the key to saving Mars in his brain, or a construction worker who married Sharon Stone. So, yes; two equally unlikely options. But when Quaid dreams, he dreams of being Arnold at his peak, making all the great Arnold noises (montage of Quaid grunting), dunking on fools after he kills them...
Quaid: (after shooting Lori in the head) Consider that a divorce. / (after dismembering Richter using an elevator, causing him to fall to his death) See you at the party, Richter! (tosses the severed arms down the shaft)
...and packing some serious heat; both kinds of heat.
Melina: (grabs Quaid's crotch) What you been feeding this thing?
Quaid: ... ... ...
(in an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression) "It's just a boner!"
Thrill as this Atlas in Wonderland runs from gunfight to gunfight, to gunfight to gunfight, to gunfight, to gunfight, where he'll swoon over the lovely Melina, a hooker with a heart of... eh, I don't know. We don't really get to know her that well; tussle with his wife Lori, a highly skilled crotch assassin (montage of Lori attacking Quaid's crotch); battle Cohaagen, Mars' governor who sent Quaid to Earth with a false identity, surrounded by actors, waited for him to discover he's someone else, assumed he'll go to Mars searching for vengeance, then befriend a very particular cab driver (Benny), and earn the trust of the mutant resistance leader (Kuato), or none of his evil plan works...
Cohaagen: (to Quaid) Frankly... I'm amazed it worked.
...and fight Richter, a goon stuck in middle management, who, in one day, has to let Quaid do his wife, get berated by his boss, and lose both of his arms. Yeesh; I hope this is all a dream, and Richter's just some guy who spit in Quaid's drink at a Chili's or something...
So strap in for a modern classic action film, that influenced The Matrix with its red pills, reality-bending, and firefight with riot cops in a room full of pillars, and influenced Avatar with its double agent who fights for the colonized people, falls in love with one of them, meets their psychic leader, then accidentally leads the bad guys to the rebels' home base. Wow, that is a lot of Avatar. But no matter how influential it was, the discerning cinephile will recognize it for what it is: a total rip-off of the greatest sci-fi film ever made... Spaceballs. (shows Mars' atmosphere becoming breathable in this film, compared to Druidia's atmosphere being restored in Spaceballs)
King Roland (Spaceballs): AIIIR!!
Starring: Hank Azaria (Arnold Schwarzenegger as Douglas Quaid/Carl Hauser); Melina Wins. Flawless Victory. (Rachel Ticotin as Melina); Nut Job (Sharon Stone as Lori); We Will Deal with Your Rebel Friends Soon Enough... (Ronny Cox as Vilos Cohaagen); Richter and Morty (Michael Ironside as Richter and Michael Champion as Helm); Shredder! Get to the Technodrome! (rowr) (Marshall Bell as George and Kuato); Douchey Mane (Mel Johnson Jr. as Benny); Mars? Fuggethabout It! (Robert Costanzo as Harry); Google Drive (Robert Picardo as Johnnycab); and A Pair and a Spare (Lycia Naff as Mary, the three-breasted prostitute).
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The honest title for Total Recall (1990) was 'Mars Hard'. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
In the future, we have driverless cars, but they still talk to you? This is a dystopia...
Trivia[]
Honest Trailers Commentary - Total Recall
- The Alan raptor appears at 0:19, peeking over some rocks.
- Other Arnold Schwarzenegger films to get the Honest Trailers treatment include Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Terminator Genisys, Predator and Batman & Robin. See list of Honest Trailers for more.
- Other films directed by Paul Verhoeven to get Honest Trailers include RoboCop and Showgirls.
Watch the full Honest Trailer Commentary on YouTube
Reception[]
Honest Trailers - Total Recall (1990) has a 98.5% approval rating from YouTube viewers.
Production credits[]
Video thumbnail for Honest Trailers - Total Recall (1990).
Title Design by Robert Holtby
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, Danielle Radford & Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, & Max Dionne
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen