Transformers: Rise of the Beasts is the 505th episode of the Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the 2023 science fiction action film Transformers: Rise of the Beasts. It was published on July 25, 2023. It is 8 minutes and 6 seconds long. It has been viewed over 100,000 times.
Script[]
You've seen the Transformers scour the universe seeking the Matrix of Leadership, the AllSpark, the Sun Harvester with the Matrix of Leadership again, the Space Bridge, the Seed, Merlin's staff, and, uh... Bumblebee. But nothing can prepare you for where their desperate search for "the key" will take them this time... It's Earth. It's always Earth. There are no planets besides Earth and Cybertron. You fool; you absolute buffoon!
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts
After Michael Bay made you feel insane for ten long years (shows Cade Yeager using Excalibur against the Knights of Iacon), and Bumblebee made you feel hope again, get ready to feel nostalgia for a time before live-action Transformers movies, because when a generic new sky-beam thingy is discovered -- on Earth, of all places; I mean, can you believe it? -- the evil Terrorcons will come to get their precious key...
Scourge: Get the key!
...while the Autobots fight to keep the key...
Airazor: --preserve the key, no matter the cost.
Optimus Prime: --protect the key!
Optimus Primal: --guard the key.
Airazor: Do we have the key?
Optimus Prime: The key.
...but sometimes, the reverse happens.
Scourge: Protect the key.
Mirage: Noah, get to the key!
Optimus Primal: We use the Transwarp Key to visit young worlds.
Optimus Prime: If you give us this key, tomorrow I will light the beacon...
But don't worry; the rest of the story is told with the same delicate subtlety.
Noah: So, y'all are robots that transform into cars, even though you're from way out in space. But now there's this key that opens a portal back to your home? Oh, and you know this because there's a beacon light in the sky that I can't see because I'm human.
Everybody got that?
Mirage: So you're saying this thing Unicron eats planets to survive?
Airazor: Yes.
Are we clear?
Elena: So you're a Maximal. Y'all are Autobots. What was those things that attacked us earlier?
Airazor: Terrorcons.
You know what? They should just scroll the wiki on one side of the screen and play all the monkey-punching on the other. Deal? (the page for the film on the Transformers Movie Wiki pops up alongside a montage of action scenes featuring Optimus Primal from said film)
Meet Noah; he's Miles Morales. That's it. That's the character. Noah is a dedicated older brother from Brooklyn.
Kris: --you're my brother [...] from Wilson Avenue [...], Brooklyn, New York.
Elena is a brilliant museum intern from Brooklyn.
Elena: Brooklyn, all right? East New York all day.
He represents Brooklyn while she was raised out in Brooklyn.
Noah: I'm from Bushwick.
Elena: I'm never leaving Brooklyn again.
Noah: Brooklyn, baby!
Yes... Brooklyn.
Noah: (narrating) I was raised out in Brooklyn.
Elena is armed with knowledge about literally every field, from paleontology...
Elena: That's a good one, but the Ankylosaurus was an armored dinosaur.
...to all of art history...
Elena: The da Vinci sketch is legit. [...] Roman vase. / See this Greek curse tablet? It would be expensive, but it's a fake. / I think it might be Aztec or Inca.
...to masonry...
Elena: That stonework is 17th century.
...to hieroglyphics...
Elena: This symbol is definitely not hieroglyphic.
...to the geographical layout of Cusco, Peru, somehow.
Elena: That's Santo Domingo. The Spanish built it on top of an old Inca temple. / Man, this is my first time leaving New York.
Hang on, is she carbon dating now? She's an intern! Keeping them safe is Mirage, a Transformer voiced by professional tattoo-haver Pete Davidson; he's more desperate for human approval than those dolphins they train to predict the Super Bowl...
Mirage: (whispering) Give me a little tap. (gets a fist-bump from Noah) There you go. Now we're friends! / But what about for friendship?
...in a character that aimed for a combination of Bugs Bunny and The Mask (an Entertainment Weekly article with the title "Pete Davidson brings 'The Mask meets Bugs Bunny' to Transformers: Rise of the Beasts" pops up), but while he may not be funny, he is SSSSSMOKIN'! (shows Mirage being gravely wounded by Scourge) Phew! Make sure you melt the voice box real good, too; don't want him coming back again.
Mirage: (after being reactivated) Whoo-hoo-hoo! [...] Your boy is BACK!
Aw, f*ck...
Watch the evil planet-eating Unicron float around, evilly, while he outsources his villainy to the evil Scourge, who will outsource his villainy to a sad pack of dogs.
Scourge: Kill the other human. (deploys Freezer)
Our only hope is Optimus Prime, but years of being stranded on Earth have turned him into the racist uncle the other Autobots tolerate at family gatherings.
Optimus Prime: You brought a human here? / I should've known better than to rely on humans.
He's joined by Arcee, a motorcycle armed with NSA government surveillance powers.
Arcee: Private Noah Diaz, U.S. Army. Multiple commendations.
She seems fun, and not at all like a cop! Bumblebee, who is... also there. (shows Bumblebee getting deactivated by Scourge) They're joined by the Maximals, the kind of toy you get when you ask Mom for Dinobots, but she says, "You already have Dinobots at home." Join these transforming robo-animals, that the movie forgets can transform until the very final battle...
Optimus Primal: --maximize! (transforms into robot mode)
...but don't worry; they'll get more to do in the sequel! ...What do you mean, "if this even gets a sequel"? What do you mean, "if movies even exist two years from now"?! We're kickstarting the Hasbro-niverse, bro! (shows Noah holding a G.I. Joe business card)
Agent Burke: We're in the middle of an ongoing war, and we'd love to have you join the fight. You and your whole team.
See?! A studio wouldn't promise a franchise that they end up bailing on! It'd be total chaos! (shows hanging plot threads from The Amazing Spider-Man 2, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, and The Mummy (2017))
Thrill as Noah gets a power suit made of his friend's corpse, and a handgun made out of his friend's... d*ck?
Mirage: Just don't ask what part of my body it came from. (chuckles)
Huh... Kind of Cronenberg-ish for a kids movie.
Mirage: "Work friends"? You've been inside me. / That's just engine oil. (chuckles)
What is this, Crash?
Dr. Robert Vaughan (Crash (1996)): The reshaping of the human body by modern technology.
Once Noah gets his fresh new corpse suit, watch a human finally join the fight alongside the Transformers, rather than limply firing an AR-15 at a Decepticon Tyrese-style...
Optimus Prime: Save yourself!
Noah: Till all... are one! (begins pulling Optimus Prime to safety)
...even though he still needs a lot of help. (shows Optimus Prime losing his grip, only to be rescued by Optimus Primal) Why did they even bring humans along at all? Humans can't fight a metal gorilla; humans can't even fight a normal gorilla! I mean, I could, but that's not a discussion y'all are ready to have.
So take a promotional trip down to beautiful Peru. Enjoy the lovely scenery and charming local color; get to know the people and their ancient culture, while exploring the fascinating Incan villages and ruins that dot the entire landscape of the country's serene Sacred Valley. Ahh, Peru... Oh, and watch robots pull each other's spines out with their bare hands. (montage of Transformers maiming each other)
Scourge: Rip the flesh from their bones...
"Optimus Prime": No, Scourge; that's my job. (shows Optimus Prime decapitating Scourge) Give me your face.
Starring: In the Fights (Anthony Ramos as Noah Diaz); Optimus and the Black Messiah (Dominique Fishback as Elena Wallace); Already Dating Penelope Pitstop (Pete Davidson as Mirage); Prime Day (Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime); Kong Perlman (Ron Perlman as Optimus Primal); I Drink and I Explode Things (Peter Dinklage as Scourge); Bike and Subscribe (Liza Koshy as Arcee); This Is What Beak Performance Looks Like (Michelle Yeoh as Airazor); Ahhh the French Champagne (Colman Domingo as Unicron); and...
Optimus Primal: There is more to them than meets the eye.
...Eeeeee! They Said the Thing!
We Fought a Zoo
The honest title for Transformers: Rise of the Beasts was ‘We Fought a Zoo’. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Noah: Okay, what are the rules?
Kris: Bros before hos.
Okay, that phrase didn't gain popularity until the mid-2000s, though you could argue that the first use of the phrase was in Common Sense's song "In My Own World" in 1994, the same year this takes place. However, that album didn't release until October, and in this scene, you can clearly see the calendar is set to June 1994! ...And this is why nobody wants to talk to me at parties.
Viewer's Comments[]
Please say in your epic voice "I am Optimus Prime, and I stand with SAG-AFTRA!" - benabramowitz18
say monkey business is booming - agentofjustice2595
Please say "why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it" - kalyanideshmukh527
Please say "Roses are red. My name is not Dave. This makes no sense. Microwave." - joshhickeysmoviereviews
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Title Design: Robert Holtby
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Danielle Radford, Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Manager: Emin Bassavand
Content Manager: Mikołaj Kossakowski
Post-Production Specialist: Rebecca Castaneda
Director of Video Production: Max Dionne