xXx Franchise is the 336th episode of Screen Junkies comedy series Honest Trailers. It was written by Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, Danielle Radford and Lon Harris. It was narrated by Jon Bailey as Epic Voice Guy. It parodies the first three films in the xXx franchise: xXx (2002), xXx: State of the Union (2005), and xXx: Return of Xander Cage (2017). It was published on March 10, 2020 to coincide with Vin Diesel's new superhero film Bloodshot. It is 5 minutes and 23 seconds long. It has been viewed over 1.4 million times.
Watch Honest Trailers - xXx Franchise on YouTube
"A spy trilogy that asks, 'What if James Bond had twice the chlamydia, his gadgets were designed for sex criminals, and his mission was to sneak into Ozzfest while wearing progressively... larger... coats?'" ~ Honest Trailers - xXx Franchise
Script[]
If you want to watch some porn, but you're dumb and easily confused, do your best to get off on...
The xXx Franchise
Darius Stone: Sound like a porno star.
Catch the films Vin Diesel makes between Fasts and Riddicks, and the films Ice Cube makes between Fridays and Are We There Yet?s, as you rock out to a spy trilogy that asks, "What if James Bond had twice the chlamydia, his gadgets were designed for sex criminals, and his mission was to sneak into Ozzfest while wearing progressively... larger... coats?" Dude looks like an ostrich giving birth.
When danger lurks beneath a sexy dance club, hooker mechanic shop, or off-the-grid jungle rave...
Xander Cage: Some jungle rave that's off the grid.
...America will need a new breed of secret agent, and by "secret", I mean "world-famous celebrity"...
Becky Clearidge: Xander Cage. This is crazy!
Kolya: --snowboard, motorbike, everything. You're awesome!
...with a neck tat of their agency, and won't hesitate to out themselves if they think it'd get them laid.
Xander Cage: I'm a secret agent.
Yelena: (laughs)
Xander Cage: I work for the NSA.
It'd be like recruiting an international soccer star to go undercover.
(Neymar kicks a napkin dispenser right into a gunman's face)
Augustus Gibbons: GOOOOOOOAAALLLLL!!!
Oh, they did that, too.
Vin Diesel is Xander Cage, a rebel with an obnoxious attention to detail (montage of Xander Cage revealing how he deduced people's true identities). This rebel is so rebellious, he'll rebel against authority, join the rebels, then rebel against the rebels to protect the authorities' right to be rebelled against... I think. Just don't get him confused with Dominic Toretto, because while this tank-topped lunk also loves muscle cars, mumble-growling...
Xander Cage: (mumble-growling) "Safe" isn't in my vocabulary.
...and surrounding himself with multi-ethnic world celebrities to maximize global ticket sales, Xander has an upsetting slack-jawed horny face. Ew. Eww! Close your mouth, Vin! Please!
(Xander Cage and Yelena share an incredibly sloppy kiss)
Yelena: Did you enjoy that?
No!
But when you've got a script too dumb for even Vin Diesel, it's time to look for someone with even more attitude...
Agent Toby Lee Shavers: "More attitude"?
...and bring in the new Triple-X: Darius Stone. He doesn't do extreme sports...
Darius Stone: --more fries and another shake.
...or love the ladies...
Charlie Mayweather: If you need anything... Anything at all.
Darius Stone: How about some fries and a shake?
...but he does hit people with his elbows... a lot (montage of Darius Stone in combat using elbow strikes). Plus, he's got a little bunny hop when he runs. Aww, so cute! (montage of Darius Stone bunny-hopping)
Are you ready for action? Butt-chug a Red Bull for sequences that give the finger to gravity and logic, where cars become trains, bikes become surfboards, serving trays become skateboards, skis become... dirt skis (Xander Cage continues to ski through the forest), and just when it seems like all hope is lost, a ramp will emerge to launch the heroes into glory. Take it from Triple-X, kids: anything is a ramp if you put your mind to it.
(montage of Xander Cage launching off makeshift ramps)
Hawk: What the hell you think you're doing?
Xander Cage: Building a ramp.
(Xander Cage proceeds to use Hawk as a ramp)
So enjoy a ridiculous franchise that somehow overcomes its clunky dialogue...
Agent Toby Lee Shavers: Get crunk, X. Come on, Steele, get crunk with us.
Extreme Guy: Word.
...embarrassing needle-drops (Drowning Pool’s "Bodies" plays as a car falls and explodes), and parade of stereotypes...
Yorgi: Everything's all right with enough vodka.
...because enough time has passed that we're getting nostalgic for the early-2000's era of nu metal and nipple tattoos.
Serena Unger: (after seeing Xander Cage's nipple tattoo) Oh, no!
Wooo! Crank that Crazy Town and pass the Go-Gurt! I wonder how my Neopets are doing! Aw, they're all dead...
Starring: Bong. James Bong. (Vin Diesel as Xander Cage); Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow (Samuel L. Jackson as Augustus Gibbons); A Leather-Clad Female Double Agent (Asia Argento as Yelena, Sunny Mabrey as Charlie Mayweather, and Deepika Padukone as Serena Unger); Doctor Nyet (Marton Csokas as Yorgi); The Bad Guy from Speed 2 (Willem Dafoe as General George Deckert); Donnie Yes & Tony Yeah (Donnie Yen as Xiang and Tony Jaa as Talon); Ruby Tuesday's (Ruby Rose as Adele Wolff); Tony (sic) Colletting a Paycheck (Toni Collette as Agent Jane Marke); Your 2 Favorite PlayStation Games (Tony Hawk as Himself and Mat Hoffman as Extreme Guy); You Ain't Nothing But a Hound Dog, Crashing All the Time (Rory McCann as Tennyson Torch); Machete (Danny Trejo as El Jefe); No-Limit Album Covers, 1996-2000 (Darius Stone and others holding machine guns on a tank); and Iced Cube (Ice Cube as Darius Stone, bursting out of a refrigerator).
Mission Impossibro
The honest title for xXx Franchise was 'Mission Impossibro'. Titles designed by Robert Holtby.
Augustus Gibbons: Do we want to drop another mouse in the snake pit? Or do we want to send our own snake and let him crawl in?
Okay, Boss; just make sure you pick ground shipping this time.
Neville Flynn: I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MONKEY-FIGHTING SNAKES ON THIS MONDAY-TO-FRIDAY PLANE!
Viewer's Comments[]
Say: "hellloooo... ladies." - James Cannon
Please say: " Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs." - jerod daley
Please say: "I'm a man of substance. Dorky chicks like you turn me on too." - D.J. Rose
(music fades)
Please say: This is your alarm voice. Wake up immediately." Please i need an alarm voice - Rabia Tastan
Please say: "This is a ringtone .... ring ring ... ring ring" - trekki
Trivia[]
Reception[]
Production Credits[]
Voice Narration: Jon Bailey aka Epic Voice Guy
Written by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, Danielle Radford & Lon Harris
Produced by: Spencer Gilbert, Joe Starr, Dan Murrell, & Max Dionne
Edited by: Kevin Williamsen
Post-Production Supervisor: Kevin Williamsen
Production Coordinator: Ryan O'Toole